Glowing?

I have this friend who always describes his pregnant wife as "glowing".

Glowing? Not me! So far pregnancy has not been my most enjoyable time. All day sickness & crazy emotional rollercoaster rides... Please don't get me wrong...I am SO thankful and I don't take this for granted for one moment. It's just the actual pregnancy part has been kinda hard on me. Now I am really sick...caught one of the worst colds I have ever had (not adding that for drama here...I'm serious...I don't remember ever having a cold this bad).

The only thing "glowing" about me right now is the junk that has built up in my sinuses, screaming to get out. My face hurts so bad...even my teeth! I would venture to guess that my face begins to "glow" when I start one of my coughing fits and my throat is at least twice its normal size. Anytime I try to sleep the coughing gets worse and keeps me up all night. Seriously, I checked the clock every hour.

I went to the doc yesterday, certian that I had sinusitis or bronchitis or pneumonia or something worse than a cold. But I don't. That is the good news. The bad news is, since it is just a cold all I can do is wait it out. I can't even take anything for it (because I'm pregnant) but tylenol (might as well eat candy). So forgive me for my inactivity on email, blogs, texts etc...I'm probably laying on the couch trying to sleep.

Memories

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to encounter involves an over emotional pregnant woman with a keyboard and time to write a novel.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas music. I generally listen to it from Thanksgiving till New Years...all day, every day! Lately, I have been experiencing this unofficial tradition from a new perspective. Some of these songs are really taking me back and giving me a new appreciation for the memories I have in my life. One such song starts as follows:

So this is Christmas...and what have you done?
Another year over...and a new one just begun.
So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun.
The near and the dear ones...the old and the young.

Each time I listen to this song...I tear up. Mostly because I am pretty much and emotional wreck right now...but also because it poses some very deep thoughts for me. So this is Christmas...and what have you done? What have I done? Sometimes, it doesn't feel like I have done much at all. I often feel like I have taken so many things for granted and stumbled through so many things I could've done better. Then there are the things I didn't even do...plenty of opportunity...but no action. And now...Another year over...you can't take back the time you've wasted or re-do the things you've messed up. Time is going SO quickly...they all tell you this when you are a carefree adolescent without a care in the world...and you never believe them...until it happens!

A new one just begun...This is a hopeful statement...I begin to think about the things there is still time to do. Everything that lies ahead of me. Things that maybe I can make right. Unfortunately, sometimes the weight of tremendous responsibility gets the best of me and I start to freak out a little. We're going to be responsible for another life! This totally overwhelms me at times...I feel like there is NO possible way that I can succeed in this task. (Thankfully, I can count on God to help me through this one)

So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun...This is when the memories begin. We DO have fun at Christmas! I spend time with family and friends that I don't get to see very often and I really do enjoy it so much. Something about this year makes me a little sad though. I guess I'm sad for the one's who aren't here anymore. When I see old home movies of people who are now senior citizens or who have already passed away at a time when they were my age (they don't even have to be people I know!)...I just can't help but think of how soon this time will be gone. Of all the unexpected things that lie ahead. How none of them were thinking about cancer or heart failure at the time...and then one day...they were forced to. I wonder when a day like that will come in our lives...and how we will handle it.

The near and the dear ones...the old and the young...But I do have mostly good memories. Particularly of my Dad. I have been thinking about him a lot lately...for no particular reason...probably the pregnancy and the inevitable memory rollercoaster associated with the Holidays. Sometimes, I feel like I can't possibly remember every great thing about him. It's like I need to write down every little thing I think about for fear of forgetting and not being able to pass on his legacy. This is important to me. With a child on the way...I want him or her to know everything about their grandpa...but how? How can I possibly convey all the great things that were my Dad? All the little things...the daily things...the special things...

Well...okay...so, how is that for an uplifting Holiday message!? I'm really not such a downer all the time...in fact, more often than not I'm thinking on the good things...the fun things...and trying not to let myself become so overwhelmed. I've also stopped listening to that song quite so much. The Holidays will be good for us, filled with family, friends, laughter and joy...And I guess it is not a bad thing to think about these things from time to time...I guess sometimes it's these things that motivate us to make a change or start a tradition. Most importantly...to remember our blessings...and not take things for granted.

Overzealous

First of all...is that right? Is overzealous one word or two? Oh well...this blog is not about my grammar or spelling abilities (thank heavens).

Turns out I got a little too excited too soon about the decrease in my nausea. This morning is brutal. I woke up trying very hard not to gag at the slightest little thing...dishes in the sink, making coffee (decaf), making oatmeal (very bad choice when your already nauseous by the way...), trying to figure out what I'm gonna have for lunch, taking out the garbage, etc... Even sitting here now recalling the situation has started that familiar and uncomfortable feeling in the back of my throat. (open and insert one raspberry preggy pop!). Okay, I'm going to move on to another topic now.

Seems that these pregnancy hormones have done quite a number on me. I really thought I was doing okay in the mood category...I've never been one to blame my actions on PMS or any other hormonal instability...but this is really just CRAZY. Sometimes I feel like a totally different person. For starters...I have never been terribly emotional. Sad movies and stories often make me tear up a little, but I'm generally really good at keeping my composure. Well, forget that now. Tears are rolling far more frequently than I am used to and it has kinda thrown me off a little. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. One thing is for sure...I am going to have to quit watching Emergency Vets and Baby Story...sure waterworks, every time!

Not only that...but I seem to be having trouble keeping my conversations rational. I mean, I can start out talking about a very good topic...something that needs to be discussed...something that could be resolved calmly and orderly...and by the end of the conversation I am a hopeless mess and I've managed to blow the situation completely out of proportion and made matters about 1000 times worse. I have always had an incredible knack for being over analytical and talking things to DEATH...combine that with these pregnancy hormones and...watch out. My intentions are good...I just want whatever to be resolved so we can move on and live in harmony...but once I get started there is NO resolution or harmony anywhere to be found. Who IS this person?

And talk about over sensitive! I'm constantly making the wrong conclusions or assumptions about other peoples actions. Things that would normally just roll off my back can now become major issues in my mind. I'm a paranoid mess.

Unfortunately, Mike is really the main one getting the brunt of ALL this. Sometimes I think if we manage to get through this without him leaving me, THAT will be the true miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. Pray for him...pray for US. Pray for anyone who comes across my path. Lord help us all.

Decisions, Decisions...

I have another appointment today with my ob. I'm sure some of you have been wondering...we have decided NOT to do any of the screening tests. I wanted to thank everyone for their input and let you all know we have total peace about the decision. So, we are patiently awaiting our 18 - 20 week ultrasound when we will be able to find out what gender our baby is (yes we are finding out...I've waited long enough and don't really like suprises all that much anyway! ) and we'll hopefully see that things are progressing as planned. I don't have a date for it yet, but it will be sometime at the end of Jan or early Feb. I have a feeling we are having a boy...Mike thinks it's a girl. Several friends think girl too...but we have run across a few who think boy. We'll see?!?!?!

The next decision on my mind...vaccinations. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate...THAT is the question. I honestly don't have an opinion just yet...so, Mike and I will start our researching...and we'll see what we come up with. Any info and advice is welcome...when we come to a decision, it will be after much prayerful consideration and trust that God will guide us to do what is best for our family.

Morning sickness (or all day sickness as my experience has been) is getting better for me. I managed to get through all 9 GOC concerts and I actually felt pretty good. I really felt like God was giving me the strength and the energy I needed at just the right time. I would wake up feeling absolutely seasick and by the time I stepped on the stage (and with a little help from preggy pops, tums smoothies and peppermint gum...not all at once...) I would be feeling good and ready to sing my heart out. I suffered through a few pretty annoying headaches, but discovered that tylenol actually can get rid of a headache when combined with just a little bit of caffeine (only 1/2 cup of coffee...did the trick).

I'm reading a book by Max Lucado called "The Cure for the Common Life". I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but what I have read so far has been about how God has created a "sweet spot" in our lifes. He's given us just the right talents and abilities to do exactly what He wants us to do. Of course I have heard this concept before...but it was refreshing to read it from a new perspective. Expectant parent. The last couple of years have really felt like a search for me...like I wasn't quite in the right spot...like this wasn't really "IT" for me...like God was preparing me for something more. I really started thinking about my gifts, talents, desires, and dreams...and began to wonder if this could be my sweet spot? Parenthood? Motherhood? Is this what God has created me and gifted me for? It could be...It could be that and even more...but it gave me a new excitement for what is about to happen in our lives and reminded me that I can't even begin to do this without Him. He has blessed us and gifted us just for this purpose and I just can't wait to see what He is going to do in our child's life through us.

Pressure

Okay...I know I'm not making a strong case here, but I'm writing another pregnancy blog.

I had my first appointment yesterday and for the most part it was very helpful and informative. We talked about my appointment schedule, what to expect, what is "normal", she gave me TONS of reading material and some free samples. She also did an exam and another ultrasound (I got to see the heart beat again...very, very, cool). Before I went off to the vampires to give half of my blood away (okay it was only 3 tubes...but it was not the most exciting part of my visit)...she talked with me about certain genetic tests that are available to me.

Mike and I decided early on that we probably wouldn't bother with the genetic testing because we don't have any intention of ending a pregnancy regardless of what we find out in any test. Problem is, my uncle was Down Syndrome and my brother is Autistic...huge RED flags in the medical community. My doctor said that she had to strongly recommend not only the genetic testing but an amniocentesis as well! Now, I love my doctor...don't think for a minute that she is the one I am feeling "pressure" from...not at all. She made it VERY clear that I can decline any and ALL of these tests and it would be perfectly fine. She just has to recommend them based on my family history.

So, it's not that I want to change our decision. I honestly don't think I want these tests, but the problem is...there is so much pressure out there to "do the right thing" not for us, but for the baby. So much of what I am reading is really making me feel irresponsible for even considering not having these tests. The main consensus (in these articles at least) seems to be that even if I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy, it is only in the babies best interest for me to know what I am facing and have the best care lined up if I should find that something could be wrong.

The key word there...something "could" be wrong. Most of these tests are not diagnostic...they just give you a better idea of what my "risks" are for certain disorders. Then based on these tests, they recommend more tests usually more invasive and tests that have their own risks involved. So, is this information I really need to know? Am I really starting out as a bad mother if I choose not to have these tests? Is knowing this information really going to be what it best for my child?

My gut feeling is as it has been all along. God is in control. No amount of testing or preparation is going to change his plan for this child. How much of this is really going to benefit us and how much of it is there just to offer us another way of trying to have our "control" over the situation? I am 99.9% sure we will decline this testing, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...and hear some of yours. Obviously we want to do what is best for our child. Please pray that God will give us wisdom and peace about this decision and many more to come!

Updates

I am not going to assume that you all will continually want to hear about my pregnancy and morning sickness and so on...for an entire 9 months...so I promise that all of my blogs will not be about that, but I thought I should update since my last post.

After sharing my unpreparedness for the first trimester of pregnancy, I was reminded of all the great friends that God has placed in my life and why I love them so much! So many of you shared sympathy and tips to help me and I just wanted to say thanks! Many of your suggestions worked wonders for me. (Specifically the sour candies from Baby's R Us....Thank you Rita for asking Ashley for help!!! Thank her for me too!). You are all so great!

Stacy came over one day to help me get some things done around the house. I have to admit...my pride did not want to let her come see all my dirty dishes and laundry, but she came none the less and helped me tremendously! Thank you so much Stacy! My other friend Stacey (and a few other great friends) is taking such good care of me during the GOC rehersals...making sure I eat and drink water...she's always looking out for me. I just love all of you. Shelly - PB&J...wonderful! Saleena - ice...helped me so much during practice.

So many I didn't mention by name have offered tips and given offers to help around the house...it is just such a blessing. Thank you ALL SO much. I think it may be starting to let up a little bit *knock on wood*...just a few more weeks to go (hopefully!)

One last update unrelated to pregnancy. Awhile back I wrote about my dog Bruin and some crazy reaction he was having to something. For awhile it was really looking like he could have an autoimmune disease. Well, he is not completely out of the woods yet, but the good news is that his rash did not come back! They put him on steroids through the allergy season and said if the rash came back in the fall/winter that was not a good sign. Well he has been off the steroids since the end of Sept and NO rash! Please keep praying for our little guy. If the rash stays away for the entire winter that would be really great news. If and when it comes back we will have to do a biopsy to find out what it really is (allergy or autoimmune).

Unprepared

So, I guess it is a good thing that during my journey through infertility I learned that I have basically little if any control over most things. What I was not prepared for was this experience of having NO control over my body and how I feel. I don't know what I expected...I guess I didn't know what to expect. The first trimester of pregnancy has knocked me off my feet...I am drained! Don't get me wrong...it could be a lot worse...I have heard of women who suffer through much more agonizing sickness than I have yet to experience (and pray daily that I won't go there). I just didn't realize that I would have NO control over my energy, my hunger, my moods etc...

So far this week I have come home every day after work and collapsed on my couch. Some days I sleep, some days I watch T.V. but I have yet to get anything close to productive done. There is more laundry than any 2 people should ever have piled up in the laundry room and a sink full of dishes. Mail from days ago is left unopened on the counter or the table. The refridgerator is virtually empty, which isn't a huge problem since I really can't eat anything anyway...but poor Mike! He doesn't have to eat crackers and ginger ale. Every time I think "pull yourself together! you should be able to get something done!" I roll over on the couch and forget about it.

No control over what I can eat. That pretty much stinks. Nothing that I am used to eating sounds even remotely good anymore. Before the nausea started getting bad I was actually craving things that I rarely eat (hamburgers, dairy, fast food...weird). Now that I feel nauseous 90% of the time, my diet consists of crackers, grapes, apples, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, yogurt and water...none of which actually sound appetizing, but they have managed to stay down, so I stick with what I know. I always have a supply of peppermint gum and sour candies and I am TERRIFIED that I will toss my cookies in public (which probably makes me feel worse most of the time, so I'm trying to get over that).

At 6 weeks I felt a little yucky and thought "this isn't so bad...I can handle this". Then 7 weeks was a little worse, but I got through. 8 weeks has left me wondering how much worse this is going to get before it gets better? I hope I don't have to miss out on GOC (Glory of Christmas concerts at Northridge), but I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. They say it gets much better by 12 or 13 weeks. I hope so!!

Good News

It has been many months (2 years actually) of waiting, praying, hoping, learning, blogging etc... I've often wondered as I wrote about what God was doing in my life how many of you knew what the focus of my struggle was. I know that several close friends knew and I assumed that many others would figure it out, but that was okay with me. Why didn't I write about it more specifically...I don't really know. I guess it was because for so long it was the total focus of my life and I knew I needed to get my focus back on the right things.

Well, now I can tell you the focus of my struggle and the journey God has had me on for the past two years was one of infertility. Mike and I decided in Sept 2004 that we would like to start a family. Little did we know that the decision was not ours to make. We tried for a year without any intervention and then we started seeing specialists and undergoing treatments. For me treatments consisted of medication. 2 different medications each for 3 months. As we progressed farther in our journey we discussed several options, but decided that for us...medications would be as far as we would go with the treatments. This was a difficult decision to make seeing as the medications weren't working for me. Regardless, when the time came and we were done with the medications we decided to stop fertility treatments even though it seemed that we would not be able to have a child without them.

That must've been the key. 2 months later...I was pregnant. The decision to stop the treatments was more significant than I had thought. It was the first time in this journey that I really allowed God to change my heart. My focus through most of this had been "what can I do to have a baby"..."how can I make this work" etc...but now, by making this decision I realized that I was saying "okay, I understand. there is nothing I can do and I am not going to try and make my desires happen any longer. I am honestly and truly placing this completely in your hands Lord".

There is so much more to the story and the only reason I am sharing this is because now that God has given us the desire of our hearts...I don't want to forget everything He has taught me a long the way. Now that I "have what I want" I don't want to push God aside as if He had nothing to do with it. I want to claim this for what it is...A blessing from God. I don't need Him any less now than I did when I was waiting for Him to answer our prayers.

And I realize that His answers to prayer were there all along. Even if He had decided that children were not in His plan for us...He would still have answered our prayers. God is not good because He has given us a child, He is good because His ways are perfect and He will see us through. This is STILL completely in His hands. His plan for this child starts now and ends when He sees fit. Just as before, we will not force His hand and I do not want MY will for this child...only HIS. These are lessons that I needed to learn and as difficult as it was, I am SO thankful that God brought me through this and had His will in my life. I pray He will continue to do the same on this new journey...PARENTHOOD!!!

So, please pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. We are due June 24, 2007. I look forward to sharing God's blessing with you.

Holding Hands

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the creator of the ends of the earth.

HE will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:28-29

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

And through the rivers,

They shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire,

you shall not be burned.

Isaiah 43:2

The Lord has proven these truths over and over in my life. Yet, each time I face a new unknown, it is like I have forgotten everything! The doubt, fear, & sadness begin but He leads me through it yet again, drawing me closer to Him. I wish I could be continually aware and constantly growing closer to Him. Why is it when one storm has passed, I let go of His hand only to find that I'm frantically grasping for it when the next storm comes through. When I'm not holding on and the storm begins, I get blown and tossed around, tired and weary. When I do eventually take hold of his hand, His power, peace, courage, strength, love, and joy all become mine. What if I never let go? I would have a constant connection to these things and I could avoid the beating I so often endure because I have let go of His hand. He would help me keep a sound mind and face the storms head on from the beginning.

I want to keep hold of His hand. Even when things are calm and no storm is in sight. I want to enjoy the good times with Him. I want to be so close that when the storms come, I don't need to go searching. I am so thankful that He does not grow weary, and He has understanding that no one can fathom. Where would I be without that?

Acting Out

I have an older brother. His name is Michael. He is 36 years old and he is Autistic. He does not have the ability to express himself very well. He can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. He basically keeps to himself, but he has his moments. Some moments are good....some are bad...just like anyone I guess, only he can't communicate what it is...so it's a guessing game really.

Growing up, we didn't get a long very well. It is hard for a young kid to understand why her older brother does not act the way everyone else does. Why he gets special treatment and basically gets to do anything he wants to. And gets away with it! Why she is expected to be more tolerant and mature even though she is 6 years younger. So, I wasn't always very nice to him and I was always trying to get him in trouble. I thought if I had consequences...so should he. I just didn't get it.

I won't bore you with the details...It wasn't like I had a horrible childhood or anything. I'm sure most of our disagreements were normal sibling stuff, but it was hard to adjust to having to deal with them all as the older sibling when I wasn't.

Once I got married and moved out we got along much better. He still didn't communicate with me...he just wasn't bothered by me anymore! And he obviously didn't bother me. Then my dad passed away, and this was the true test of a strained relationship. Since my mom is physically disabled (quadripelegic), I became the "head of the house" so to speak. I was responsible for "getting things done" and my brother began to look up to me this way. I have to take him to all his appointments, do his banking, etc...things my dad used to do. I certainly thought he wouldn't adjust well to this...but he really didn't seem to mind. And, he was actually pretty nice to me through it all.

We all tend to underestimate Michael. He really adjusted much better than we expected him to. Generally, autistic kids need a lot of order and routine. Not only had his dad (and the one he probably liked best in the family) died, but now he had to move out of his house and take over some of the things he could do to help my mom. He had to start taking a bus to work, and he had to look up to his younger sister for almost all his needs. We thought he would basically fall apart, but really he seemed to tolerate it all quite well, and things just kinda fell into place. We honestly thought he really didn't care.

Until recently. One of my brother's biggest struggles is his weight. It would be hard enough to help him if he had the comprehension of a normal 36 year old adult, but he just doesn't understand what his eating habits are doing to him. We've tried just about everything we can think of, but he always comes up with a way to get more food (and the most unhealthy food at that!). It honestly frustrates me so badly. Sometimes I just get mad, I wan't to force him to understand, but I can't! Most recently he resorted to stealing money! This sparked a conversation that none of us expected.

He became very upset and started breaking things in the house. At first he didn't say anything, we just assumed it was one of his tantrums because he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! But then he started saying "Why isn't Jerry here? Jerry should be here!" repeatedly. (Jerry was my dad).

I guess I just assumed, since he couldn't communicate his feelings...that he didn't really have any (obviously I know this isn't true...but outta sight, outta mind kinda thing I guess). I never would've put together that his overeating could have been linked to his feelings over missing my dad. And maybe some of it from the fact that he wants to express these feelings, but honestly can't. This was one of the few times I actually remember feeling saddened for him instead of angered by him. I still wanted to help him understand, but different things and for different reasons. I don't know if I can help him, but it definitely changed my heart toward him.

My dad was so good at all this. He had more patience and compassion than anyone I know. Perhaps that is what Michael misses the most. *tears*. I have no idea how my dad did all he did with such a pure servants heart. I have done a pretty miserable job living up to that. I don't know why God took him, and most days I sure can't figure out why God thought I would be able to fill in for him. I just God will help me find a way to deal with Michael more compassionately, and help him understand the things he (and we) can't.

Conversation

A conversation between me and God. (paraphrased by me as written by Karon Phillips Goodman in "You're late again Lord").

God: "Let me guess, you are frustrated with waiting on me, aren't you?"

Me: "Well, yes...sometimes I feel like I am waiting for your answers and they won't come. I'm waiting for things to happen, for plans to work out...it feels like the more I go forward, the more I fall back."

God: "You aren't trusting me to lead you where you need to go."

Me: "I'm trying to...I want to...but I feel like I'm not going anywhere."

God: "That's because you are focused on the destination, instead of the journey."

Me: "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this journey. I long for the destination! I am constantly threatened by doubt in the trenches, in the fear, in the uncertainty that surrounds me while I wait for your blessings."

God: "You don't have to wait for my blessings! You will find many of them on the journey. Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. (Jer 33:3)"

Me: "I don't want to miss your blessings, Lord. What do I need to do?"

God: "Overcome your doubt with faith! You do not understand the best way to reach the destination. I go out before you, you can trust me...because you know my voice (John 10:4). Don't assume that I will lead you to YOUR destination. Only I know which destination is best and I will direct you there (Prov 16:9). You must walk worthy of me, fully pleasing me, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of me (Col 1:10).

Me: "Forgive my doubt Lord. I want to focus on the journey and not the destination. Help me!"

God: "Dear one. I love you and have already given you all you need. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom 12:12). I will do more than you could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).

Homesick

A few days ago my friend Carrie wrote about living away from her family. It touched my heart. She talked about the dream of them all being able to live close to eachother again someday. Selfishly, I immediately thought..."don't move away! I'd miss you!".

I have never lived away from my family. I was born in Michigan where all my extended family is (with the exception of 2 aunts and uncles). I lived in the same house for 25 years and then I got married and stayed close by. My husband's family is all here in Michigan too! I never even went away to college. Then last year I actually moved back into the house I grew up in! Talk about a home body.

I thought that I really couldn't relate to how Carrie was feeling, until I remembered my best friend Jamie who moved away to S.C. for her husband's job. She continually shares the heartache of being away from her family and her friends. She is more like a sister to me, so it was like part of my family moving away. I miss her every day and I wish so much for her to live close to us again one day and be a more present part of my life again. I began to think about all the people in Carrie's life who are feeling the same way...wishing she were "home" again and close by. So, I guess I had a better understanding then I thought I did. I began to pray for all my friends away from their families...that God would bless them and have them in a place that is best for them.

I know that God has huge blessings in store for Jamie. He brought them to S.C. for a reason, and I know that God will bless their faithfulness and obedience. Thankfully, our friendship has not suffered. She is still my dearest and closest friend. So, I still hope that one day she'll be home, but I know that God will do what is best for her...and that is what I really want for her. I love you Jamie!

On a different note, I've discovered that I can also relate to my friends away from their loved ones through the loss of my father. Since he passed away 2 years ago, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about him and wished I could just "hang" with him again. Many days I wish I had done more while he was here.

It sounds like the "christian" thing to say, but I can assure you it is true...My dad is in a much better place. This is what God determined was best for him. Just like when He leads people to different places or new opportunities here on earth. Like those who move away, you do have some excitement for the new opportunities that await them (I know my dad is living it up in Heaven! He finally has a chance to relax and enjoy himself and not be burdened by this world and all the responsibilites that he faithfully and humbly carried day by day. He's finally getting the reward in heaven that he worked so hard for here on earth.), but the selfish side of your heart wants them close again. But, whatever the circumstance is...there is a place deep in our hearts that really wants God's best for those we love.

So, don't take your relationships for granted. Treasure each and every moment, whether it's sitting together in the same room, talking over the phone, or sharing through email. Let each and every moment together fill up your heart. Then, when the time comes that you cannot be together on this earth, your heart will still hold a piece of them. Trust that God is doing what is best for you and your loved ones. Let Him fill the void of loved ones lost.

Miscellaneous updates

I have a trainer coming to the house today to help me with Bailey. He is getting an "evaluation". I'm not quite sure what this will involve, but I'm hoping it will help shed some light on his less than desireable behavior. I'm a little nervous, maybe like a parent when their child is going in for a test or a performance or something. I'm sure as soon as the trainer shows up, Bailey will be on his best behavior. He can sense things like that. It would be just like him to pull the wool over this guys eyes long enough to get my money and get out the door. Then the shenanigans continue.

Bruin just stopped his steriods 4 days ago and already the rash on his face looks like it's just waiting to come back with a vengence. He has to be off steroids until the end of October and then they will do a biopsy to see if he has Lupus. I just can't believe my precious, sweet, little doggie could have Lupus?!?! Poor baby. Once they confirm or deny...we have to proceed with some kind of treatment plan...decisions, decisions....

Looking forward to this weekend. It will be very busy, but fun! I'm going to a baby shower for Mike's cousin. I love to see family...it will be a nice time. Then I am singing special music for the services this weekend. Always an honor, a blessing, and always SO much FUN. I'll be sitting at the piano again which always adds an element of excitement (and nervousness! for me anyway). Then I will be heading off to another baby shower for a good friend from college. She is one of those friends that you wish you could spend more time with, but the time you do have is so very special. Each time we just pick up right where we left off, as if no time has passed. It may be months since I've seen her, or weeks since we've talked but there are no hurt feelings or unrealistic expectations. Just pure enjoyment of what our relationship is. I miss her so much and think of her often and though she can't be a more present part of my life, she is such an important and treasured part of it.

I was so blessed at the New Life Service at Northridge last night. I am going to have to write a separate blog about that! Just let me say if you have never heard Harvey Carey speak, you need to. Very inspiring and motivating. Worship was spectacular, and Kristi lead us with a passion that I admire so much. She blessed me so much. Love you KK!

These are the moments worth living for. The days when God shines the light into the valley that you have been wandering through. The light that shows the gorgeous mountains and green pastures waiting for you on the other side. The moment you realize that you are not going to take up residence in the valley because you are not staying there! You are moving on and God's favor is on you, making His will possible and bringing blessings to His people. (Thank you Harvey for those words from God...more to come on that!)

Honest

Lyrics by Audrey Assad.

http://www.myspace.com/audreyassadsings

i'm not afraid to be honest with You today
the only thing i'm sure of is You
i never knew about grace
before You called my name
before You touched my face with Your hand

even when i'm falling, confused, and i'm frightened
and my faith is afraid to be real

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You

i'm not alone in this fight, but i still want to run
You are the rock i say i stand on
i never knew about love
before Your healing touch
You always hold that open door

even when i'm angry, i'm hurt, and i'm broken,
won't You help me to fall on my knees?

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You

Really?

I've noticed whenever I am "going through" something, I often feel like I am the only one going through it. I have days when I feel like no one could possibly understand, there is no way that I'll ever get through it and I often wonder why I have to.

I'm finding that I'm wrong. There are other people out there having similar experiences to mine. I'm also finding out that I have actually been an encouragement to some of these people. That is totally crazy to me! I feel like I often don't handle the "stuff" in life very well. Just when I'm feeling like I'm totally selfish, impatient, ungodly, ungrateful, unfaithful, confused and weak...I get an email or a letter from someone who says that I am an encouragement to them! That they admire my faithfulness and strength, and that I have handled myself so well through the "things" I happen to have faced in this life.

I think...What? Me? You can't be serious. I was just wondering why on earth God would ever trust me to be able to handle these things. Why would He think that I could remain faithful and be a godly example in the face of earthly trials. My flesh is so battered and weak...you picked the wrong gal this time God.

Thankfully, so far anyway...God has a way of bringing things back into perspective. I'm sharing this to say that this is obviously NOT me, but Him. He brings me back to a place of peace, thankfulness, faithfulness, godliness, strength, and joy. I still cannot fathom why He chooses to use me as an example for others, but I'm so thankful He does.

It doesn't end there...not only have I realized there are people going through the same things I am...but I have found that there are people going through MY "things" WITH ME! I have so many people lifting me up and supporting me. Praying for me and loving me. I am amazed by it really. I couldn't be used by God for anything, without the people He has placed in my life to help me through. Some of these people come and go, they may be there just for a moment, with a word of encouragement at just the right time. I may not even know them! Many of them are dear close friends. There for me at any and all times. All of them are a gift from God, and His way of letting me know that I am doing okay.

So, I do have my moments...but overall I can honestly say that I am thankful for the "things" in this life and I am excited about the opportunity to glorify God through it all (even if I do need LOTS of help to do it).

Looking Forward

I feel like it has been awhile since my last blog. 9 days...I guess that's a bit of a stretch. Isn't it funny how sometimes the words just come to you and you could write for hours, but other times...the well is dry. I'm not sure if my well is really dry...I think it is more like overflowing and I just can't get a grasp on all my thoughts and what I want to share.

There are so many things coming up that I am so excited about.

Fall, is arriving! My favorite season. Carmel Apple Cider at Starbucks (or Caribou)...yum.

I have SO many scheduled dates with friends - Some I haven't seen in years! Some are new friends I am getting better aquainted with, and others are close friends that I regularly make a point to spend time with (thankfully that list is growing!). Coffee dates, Scrapbook dates, Dinner dates, Tiger Games, Parties! I just can't wait!

Choir has started again and our Glory of Christmas Concert is just around the corner. I just love this time with the Choir! We always meet new people and get to spend lots of time with people we've known for years. I really feel like it is one big family and it is so fun to go through this together.

Hockey season! I love Hockey and so does Mike. I love watching it with him or getting together with friends. And of course, I do love Nicklas Lidstom...Captain...that's right...Captain of the Detroit Red Wings. Go Wings!

The Holidays. I see more family, friends, drink more coffee or warm cozy drinks, cook more, build fires in the fireplace, decorate the house, SHOP more!, listen to holiday music, cuddle with the dogs (they are not outside as much in the colder months - less escape probability = less impatience with them = more cuddle time!), and let's not forget the annual family Christmas picture! It is all so fun.

Lately, I've been focused so much on the things I don't like waiting for...it is just refreshing to look forward to all the things I am excitedly waiting for. :) I'm learning that the things I do while I'm waiting on God do not change His plan, they just determine how I feel while I'm waiting. I'm trying to choose to wait expectantly and excitedly instead of waiting impatiently and like a victim.

Unbelieveable

I honestly can't believe this has happened...I'm not sure why, because it is just par for the course...just when we thought we may have finally outsmarted him...he did it...again.

Those of you who know us, know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, you can check out the first story called "this is for the dogs" about our dog Bailey and his shenanigans.

Since the first time Bailey destroyed our fence we spent $600 for repairs to the gate and to install a second fence (chain link) behind the vinyl fence. The intention was to keep him from getting close enough to the vinyl fence to chew it. Well, it didn't work.

First, he learned to lift the latch on the chain link fence. Easy enough...we put a lock on it. That worked for a few days, but then he started digging under the chain fence. No problem, he's a digger...we should've known...so we burried our brick pavers again along the fence line, so he couldn't dig. (I'm sure home depot is expecting us to buy stock in brick pavers, between this house and the last one...this is the third time we have had to buy several of them to deter digging). Good, problem solved.

Oh no, not good enough. Bailey has discovered a weak spot in the chain link fence. He pushed against it just enough to get it away from the brick pavers so he could dig a hole on the other side...thus escaping the dog run and chewing the newly repaired vinyl gate to pieces....AGAIN!

So, what now? Back to home depot to get MORE pavers, dirt and gravel to put on the other side of the fence and something to steak the bottom of the fence into the ground so he can't move it.

Seriously...he is a dog. How on earth is he learning these things? I can't for the life of me figure out why he lives to make us miserable. I know most people would've gotten rid of him long ago. Maybe we should have...but I just can't do it. Every time I even consider it, I lose it completely. What is it that makes me so willing to tolerate this nonsense and throw away tons of $$$ on this DOG?

I guess it's love. This must be how parents feel about thier kids. Even when they completely break your heart...they still have a place in it.

Silver

Today's blog is from an email that my mother sent me. Perhaps some of you have seen this before...but I had not.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot;then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of t he fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a ! moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Wow, when He sees His image in me. Pretty amazing.

Unleashed

You know what really drives me crazy? When people walk thier dogs without a leash or let them run around their yard, no leash, no fence...nothing. Don't get me wrong, I realize the unexpected happens. Dogs dash out the front door or learn how to open the fence, better yet...they chew your fence to pieces (I happen to be the owner of one of metro Detroit's better known escape artists). I'm talking about when people knowingly do these things with thier dog. First of all, I guess I have to admit that I am insanely jealous of anyone whose dog behaves that well to even attempt it. Secondly, I don't buy it. It is just not safe. As good as you think your dog is, there is always the chance that they will run. They could see something, get spooked, who knows, but why take the chance?

But the reason it really gets to me is because it makes life SO much more difficult for those of us who do walk thier dogs on a leash. On more than one occasion I have been walking my dog (sometimes both of them) and here comes this dog out of nowhere, running up to mine and just starts this mass chaos! Here's the owner trying to get them back, saying "fido no! Come back here!" (which works really well doesn't it) completely shocked that thier dog would run to meet another dog that they see on a walk. Even the nicest most well behaved dog, when they see another one, will generally want to go and meet that dog. Does it mean they are a bad dog? No, not at all. They probably just want to play, or say hi or whatever.

Even if all the dogs involved are nice and totally fine with eachother, it still makes it 10 times harder for me to control my dog! Have you ever been around 2 or more very excited (and large) dogs? CRAZY! And lets just face it. My dog may not want to meet your dog. So, here I am trying to calm down a dog (and sometimes his brother at the same time) that is almost the same size as ME while this strange dog is running around us causing all kinds of ruckus. And we can't even walk away, because fido can just follow. And my dog, who is generally a good dog and will listen to me if he can even here me above fido's whining and barking and his owners feeble attempts to get him back. But he can't hear me, so he is getting totally frustrated and overstimulated and will probably lash out at fido just to stop the maddness!! (And, just a little extra information for those who didn't know...most times even a very confident and well behaved dog will feel threatened when he is on a leash and the other dog is not. It is like a weakness for him, so he feels vulnerable).

And then what happens? I'll tell you. Everyone who sees what is going on thinks...what a bad dog (my dog), what's wrong with him? Why would he lash out at poor innocent fido running around free to do whatever he pleases (while my dog would've totally minded his own business had fido been on a leash or behind a fence), fido is just so nice and cute...he just wanted to play. And what about that owner...can't she control her dog? I am! That's why he is on a leash!

Whew. Okay, so now I got that out. Sorry about my soapbox there. If you are someone who lets their dog run free or walks them off leash, I don't hate you. I don't mean for this to sound judgemental. It would be really great if all dogs could just run around free and all other dogs and people just loved them and everything was just fine and dandy. But that is just not the case.

I really honestly love you all! I'm just telling my side of the story. Perhaps it just doesn't occur to people the things that can happen. But seriously, it is so frustrating. And now I hesitate to walk my dog because of all the others that run around free. Too many unexpected things can happen. I personally believe that a dog should always be on a leash even if they are the best most well behaved dog in the world. It is just better for the dog, for the other dogs around and all the people involved.

Listening

I asked God to speak to me today, and I got to thinking about "listening". When I am expecting to hear from God about a particular situation, I will almost always look for the answer I want for that situation. I'm finding that it doesn't always happen that way. God does speak, but sometimes because of my "filters" I hear what I want to hear and not what I need to hear.
Psalm 34:17-18 says "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
So, in times of trouble I read this and I want to think..."the Lord will deliver me...he will give me exactly what I want! He will work this out exactly as I've planned it. See, I knew that God would work this out for me". But is that what it really says?
What is God really saying to me:
"Things may not go exactly as you have planned. You may not get the answer you want. You may not even get an answer, but it is okay because I will deliver you. When you think you can't live without the very thing you want the most, I will deliver you. That doesn't mean that I will give it to you. I may show you that you can live without it, in fact, you can be happy and content without it. When I say I will give you peace and joy, I don't say that so you think you will get what you want. I say that because just when you think you can't get through a certain situation, when you are broken hearted and crushed in spirit, I will deliver you. I will give you strength you never knew you had. So, when I tell you that you can have hope, it doesn't mean that if you sit around and "hope" long enough, you can expect things to turn out exactly as you have planned. It means that I will deliver you and you will be okay if they don't. When I say I am working, I am not bringing your plans into fruition. I am planning even bigger and better things."
See, I guess I've always thought that peace, joy, hope, contentment etc..were all tied up in the things I wanted. That when God said He would give us all those things, it meant that we would eventually get what we wanted. How far from the truth. We can only experince all of those things as we submit to what He wants for us and realize that we are okay in fact we're better off, even if His plans are different than ours.
Those of you who read my thoughts regularly are probably seeing a theme here. You think God is working on my need to "control" things?

Waiting

I hate waiting. I have to be one of the most impatient people on the planet. I find the shortest lines, take the fastest routes and put things off if it means that I may have to wait.
If something needs to be done, I do it now...I can't wait. When a problem comes along, I need a solution now...I can't wait. To me, waiting is just a needless inturruption in my busy schedule. It is wasted time. The problem is, I can't avoid waiting...no one can! So, I am usually just making myself crazy when the wait comes my way.

I'm reading this book that addresses waiting on God. It talks about waiting purposefully. God brings us to our "waiting rooms" to reach us and teach us. Not to irritate or upset us. It encourages us to view our waiting times as opportunities. Opportunities to grow closer to Him. When we are waiting on God we are not waiting for the outward thing...whatever it is that we want or we think we are waiting for. We are waiting on the inward work that God is doing in our lives.

I am waiting on God right now. For something I have wanted for a long time. Even though God has never let me down before, waiting for Him is SO hard. I have been viewing this wait just like all the others. A needless waste of my time. I've felt like I had to just sit back and be silent, accepting that nothing is happening until God decides to answer my prayer.

Now I see that God is not doing "nothing" he is still working. It is true that I may not get the "answer" to what I am waiting for, at least not in the time that I would like it. But this is not about what I'm waiting for, it is about what God is waiting for. He's waiting for me to become mature and complete, not lacking anything. The hope of His Glory through me. I just need to humble myself before Him (accept that I cannot control this, and that He knows best) so that in HIS time he can lift me up. (1 Peter 5:6)

And I don't need to just sit back and be silent. He knows that waiting is not easy for me. He knows that I desperately want the desires of my heart but I am willing to submit to the desires of His heart. So I cry out to him, pour my heart out to him, sometimes I even beg him. Bottom line is that I communicate with Him. I cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7). And if I continue to do that, through it all, I grow closer to Him. Learning what my purpose is and what plan he has for me.

So...waiting...a waste of time...hardly. Turns out, it is a lot of work.

Silence

Service last night was about silence and solitude. These are both things that I struggle with. Even when my body is quiet, my mind is going a million miles a minute. Each time I try to be silent, to be still and hear God's voice, there are so many thoughts, questions, songs, conversations, tasks etc... in my mind just overwhelming me. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I avoid the silence? To avoid all of the "things" in life that overwhelm my mind when I actually have the time to stop long enough to think about them. Other times, I think I avoid the silence because I really struggle with hearing God's voice. Struggle in a way that makes be question what I hear. Is it my thoughts and desires etc...or is it really Him speaking to me? At times I am actually afraid to hear God's voice. It seems silly, it's not like I'm expecting God's wrath or anything, I just wonder if what God has to tell me is what I want to hear. I'm learning to trust that even if I don't want to hear it, I need to hear it. He wants to speak to me, to the depths of my heart and take all those "things" so I am not so overwhelmed. Why is it so hard to let go of all that? I shouldn't be afraid to hear God's voice. I will miss out on the blessings He wants to speak into my life. Lord, give me more moments of silence. Help me discern your voice and hear the things you want to bless me with.

Crisis

I've been thinking about all the times in life that felt like a crisis. There have been so many instances in life that I wondered if I would ever make it through. Sometimes because I'm just way too over dramatic, but most of the time because it was just plain hard. Whatever the circumstance, I remember thinking there is no way I will ever feel better about this. In one instance, my first break-up, I ruined my REM cd (playing "Everybody Hurts" over and over, again and again) and I don't think I came out of my room unless I absolutely had to. I remember thinking at that moment this was the worst possible thing I could've ever experienced.
I can't really remember when it happened, but I did feel better about it. I actually came out of my room and found my smile again. Life continued as it was and things weren't really so bad. Until the next crisis. My response to this one was just like the last, convinced that things would never get better and I would never be happy again. And then it happened, just like before...it kinda snuck up on me really. I was happy again.
I guess I'm thinking about this because those hard times just keep on comin'. Each "crisis" had provided me with a little more strength, has taught me a little bit more about myself, and has brought me closer to God. I still enter into them with the same questions, worries, and fears...but there is something I know, like all the times before...I will get through this. It still takes me awhile to get my emotions in line with my thoughts, to remind myself that God has gotten me through so many other things. What He is teaching me is that, if I want to, I can actually find my smile during the crisis. Why wait?

This is Fun???

Seriously, why didn't somebody tell me that I would feel like I had been hit by a truck after being dragged by a boat on a tube this past Saturday? If somone came and asked me, "hey do you want to strain every muscle in your body while trying to stay on this really small inner tube like thing (which is nearly impossible)? Oh by the way, your face will be pelted by water that actually feels like a thousand needles and each time you hit the water like a rag doll you'll have to try to keep your swim suit bottoms on. And just when your arms are turning to jello you're "friends" will think it's really funny to go faster (in circles) and try even harder to get you in the water. And even though everyone around the whole lake can hear you screaming, those on the boat can't possibly hear you pleading for your life!" I don't think I would've agreed to this. And people call this "fun"?
Call me crazy, but my idea of fun does not involve aching muscles, nausea, or vertigo. I am such a kill joy, I know.

Peace

At bible study last night we were talking about God's will and how it can be so difficult to know what you should do or what it is He wants for you. We continually second guess ourselves or take matters into our own hands because we feel like God is not doing anything...like He's waiting for us to make a move, or figure something out, or make the right decision. We read about God's peace and wonder...where is it? I sure don't feel peace about this or that, about this decision I have to make or about the decision I just made!

My thought is that I find myself often looking for peace about a specific situation, circumstance, or decision. I'm finding that really the peace God offers is found in Him alone, not in our circumstances. His peace is not found in the answer He gives us for that particular situation...it is found in Him. The very fact that He is in control, knows what is going on in our lives, will do what is best for us and has the situation all figured out is where we find His peace. This is how we can have His peace when His answers are not what we expect, because it's not about the situation...it is about HIM. "In Him you will have perfect peace".

Nutter Butter Pumpkin Muffin

Just one of the many names for my cute little chow shepherd mix named Bruin.

He's managed to have some kind of crazy allergic reaction to something.
Look at this!

A face only a mother could love.

My poor baby. He is on steroids to see if that will clear it up. If not, he may actually have some kind of auto immune disease and that would not be good.

(But the vet did seem pretty certain that it was an allergy. He didn't seem to think it was really auto immune, that's just a possibility if it turns out not to be an allergy).

Anyway, I am not going to be over dramatic about this as I so often can be.

I'm sure he will be fine. He's just the sweetest thing, isn't he? Awe.

Misunderstood

A funny thing happened yesterday.
See, when I started this blog stuff, I just assumed that no one would really be that interested in anything that I would have to say. Initially, I didn't even tell anyone except a few friends of mine who actually have blogs on this site. Then yesterday, I decided to share some verses to try and uplift people during a very sad time. So, I put myself out there and wrote my blog address on Ed's website so people could come check it out. I guess I was wrong about people not being interested in my blog...I got a very interesting message. Actually, it broke my heart.

You can read it for yourself, it is posted on yesterdays message as the third comment along with my reply (the next comment).

To give you some background, I serve in the music ministry on the Praise Team at NorthRidge (I'm going to assume most of you knew that already). Just in case any of you have ever felt the way this person does about me or anyone else on praise team, let me just share my heart with you. I consider it an honor and a priviledge to serve the Lord in this way. I do love to sing, but by no means do I consider myself elite or better than anyone because I happen to be called to serve in this way. To be honest with you, I am continually surprised and humbled that the Lord DOES use me in this way. I know that I have a big responsibility to have integrity and uphold a righteous and selfless character, otherwise it would not be right for me to be in a place leading others in worship. I will say however, that I am human, and I will make the same mistakes as anyone else. Thank God that the Lord forgives, right? If I have knowingly offended or upset someone in anyway, I do what I can to make it right. I try very hard to protect my relationships, from my closest friend to my acquaintances.

The problem is I guess sometimes we unknowingly do things that offend or upset other people. Because I am human, perhaps I have truly given this person a reason to be upset with me, but if I have, I honestly was not aware of it. My feeling is that really I have just been misunderstood. Put into a group, a stereotype of sorts, and fell victim to a sad accusation. What hurt the most is the idea that I may be serving in a way that is not pleasing to the Lord (i.e. being one way "on stage" and another way "off stage"). I can assure you that to the best of my ability, what you see is what you get. I try and try every day to be the person that God wants me to be. On stage or not. Hopefully, I have been somewhat successful.

I already explained the closeness of the relationships between praise team members on my reply. Any of you who serve in any ministry know that you build a strong connection with the others that serve in that ministry with you. You HAVE to. You all experience the same things and need that support from eachother to get you through. No one understands the challenges of ministry like those involved in it with you. I do not apologize for the close relationships I have within the praise team. They are all very special to me and they have helped me through many difficult times. Please don't make that into something it is not. It is not by any means exclusive. I have just as many, actually more, close friends that have never even been on the stage (ok, that's an exaggeration...most of them have probably set foot on it at one time or another), but my point is I have friends from all areas and all walks of life and each one of them holds a special place in my heart. So, please don't label me as exclusive. I work very hard not to be. However, if any of you have felt differently...please let me know! There must be something I can do better if that is the case.

Bottom line, praise team is a ministry, not a social or elite club, not a contest or a way to super stardom. I have never felt any other way about it. We all have relationships that are closer than others. That is the way life goes. Sure there are people that I would love to be closer to, but for whatever reason, life does not allow that right now. I struggle at times to keep my close relationships nurtured and vibrant. My very best friend, Jamie, moved 2 years ago to South Carolina and I would give anything to be able to spend more time with her. If we all had so many acquaintances and no close friends, where would we be? The Lord brings people in and out of our lives for various reasons. He also allows some to be close friends and some to be aquaintances. He uses them all in our lives, even the friends and aquaintances that hurt us. We all need to come to a place where we accept what the Lord brings in and out of our lives and not always take it personally. Everyone wants to do good and everyone wants close relationships. My challenge to everyone is, try to show a little grace to those you don't really know before you make an assumption about them. What would happen if we all assumed the best of people instead of the worst? If you are truly given reason to think something ill of someone, please talk to them and clear it up. Chances are it is simply a misunderstanding.

Truth

I just don't even know where to begin. Ed Horn, a friend of ours from church, passed away yesterday afternoon. The Horn family has been sharing their experience with us since October 2005 when Ed was first diagnosed with cancer at the age of 29.

29. Who would've ever dreamed they would have to endure so much by the age of 30. Life, so short and so fragile. Times like these certainly remind us not to take life for granted. Through the Horns journey, thousands and thousands of people have shared thoughts through posts on the website. So many of them sharing similar experiences, yet full of wisdom and hope. Sharing scriptures and songs filled with the truths and promises of God. I often struggled for the right words to share with the family, wishing that I had hidden his word in my heart a little better. Wanting desperately to pull from one of the many scriptures or songs committed to my memory, but nothing could come to mind. Too many thoughts, too many questions.

Sharing this experience with Kelley takes my back to my own experience with loss. My father. He passed away 2 years ago this August. As Scott mentioned in his blog...there are so many people that are far more deserving of life. When we lose them, it makes us question. Why would God take them from us, from the people who love them, those who need them the most. I am so glad for the people God puts in our lives to support us during those times. People that help you cling to the truth during your times of doubt. Thankfully God is flooding Kelley and her family with that kind of support.

The following is lengthy, but well worth it if you have the time. I read through the postings over the last few days and jotted down some of the scriptures and songs that people are sharing. We could all use a little TRUTH, during these and other difficult times.

For the sake of time, I will only share one of the songs that my close friend Carrie Bettinger remembered sharing with Ed.
His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in His power, the weak become strong. His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect. We can only know the power that He holds, when we truly see how deep our weakness goes. His strength in us begins, Where ours comes to an end. He hears our humble cry and proves again. His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in His power, the weak become strong. His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

Ps 29:11
The LORD will give strength to His people; The LORD will bless His people with peace.

Is 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

Jn 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

2 Cor 5:1-2
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling.

1 Jn 3:2
Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

Mt 11:28-29
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

2 Cor 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Num 6:24-26
The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Ps 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Prov 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

1 Pet 1:13
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Lam 3:18-25
So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD. I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

Ps 116:15
Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.

Phil 3:20 - 4:1
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

2 Cor 4:7-8
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair.

2 Cor 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

1 Thes 4:13-14, 16-18
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Heb 4:14-16
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Ps 118:6
The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

Ps 22:8
He trusts in the LORD; let the LORD rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him.

Ps 136:1
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.

Is 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Rom 5:1-5
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Ps 143:1,8,10.
O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

Ps 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Rev 4:15-17
...they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

Ps 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Pictures!

Thanks to Scott, now I can post some pics for you! These will help give you visual ties to my story from yesteday. How can something so cute cause so much trouble!?

The Offender
Bailey
AKA - The Evil One

The Crime

Bailey's brother Bruin.
AKA - The Good One

This is for the dogs...

It is harder than I thought to keep up with this blog stuff! Part of the problem is my husband is a computer hog. He's always on when I actually have the chance to sit down and write something worth reading. We're still learning how to share...kidding!

What I happen to be thinking about today are my dogs. How can something you love SO much also drive you so absolutely insane! We have 2 dogs, Bailey a 4 year old male Malamute/Lab mix and Bruin a 2 year old male Chow/Shepherd mix. Bruin is just the sweetest dog I have ever had. Bailey...is not.

I should've known when we went to pick up Bailey from a friend of mine at work when he was 8 weeks old. Out of a litter of 4 he was independent, bossy, and anti-social (he hasn't changed much). Things you overlook when you are staring the wide eyes of an 8 week old puppy. He was just so CUTE! We got him home, he never wanted to be held and if you came to rest anywhere near him, he got up and moved away. He was my "project", I was determined to mold him into the model "man's best friend". I had visions of strolling down the street with Bailey by my side, stopping at starbucks to read the paper with a coffee in hand...Bailey lying at my feet.

4 years later...he does not stroll, and he would never lie by my feet at starbucks! He's big, loud, & obnoxious. He's eaten a bar of soap, destroyed a couch, and stolen our dinner on more than one occasion. I could write a book about Bailey and his shenanigans. There is a book, I can't remember what it is called, but it is supposed to be about life with the worlds worst dog. Well, they obviously haven't met Bailey. His latest antics involve completely destroying a vinyl fence and roaming free through out the neighborhood. The first time he actually opened our front door and made himself comfortable in the house! The second time he ransacked the neighbors garbage and the third time he scared a 7 year old speechless. (he didn't hurt him at all, just scared him).

It's not for lack of trying. Bailey and I went to every obedience class he could go to. He is SO smart. He learned every command and every trick. He can do them all quite well...when he wants to. People ask me why we still have Bailey, and sometimes I have to admit...I'm really not sure. But getting rid of him is just not an option. I love Bailey despite all of his faults. I have invested as much of myself as I possibly could into him, for his own good. He has his brief moments of sweetness, and they are truly worth it. At the same time he breaks my heart. I feel like I've failed him each time he uses his powers for evil instead of good. I wonder how on earth he could treat me this way after everything I have done for him?

We don't have children yet, but I'm sure parents experience similar things. I know our Heavenly Father does. Time and time again, I have treated God the same way Bailey treats me. I am so thankful that God forgives, time and time again! What a great example. If He can do that for me, surely I can survive life with Bailey. Although, I do think I will need a lot of help!

(I wanted to post pictures in here, but I can't figure it out. If you can help, let me know!)%

Out of Control

Well, KK wants me to keep this up...so I guess I will start thinking and share some more of my thoughts.

Yesterday was Kristi's birthday! Happy Birthday KK! I have to say I wanted to cry when she started talking about turning 28. Those days have already passed me by. Not too long ago I turned 30. I didn't like it much at all, but it didn't turn out to be so bad. :) I'm trying to focus more on the moment these days. I have a tendency to dwell on what I can't change from the past and fear what I don't know about the future. This can sometimes cause me to miss out on the great things in the moment, ya know what I mean? I'm trying to see the good in every situation and give my worries and fears over to God.

This is not easy for me. I'm a huge control freak. Not in the way like I want to control other people...mostly, I just want to have this feeling of control over my own life. So many not so great things have happened in my life that I have had no control over, (this obviously happens in everyone's life) and I've realized that this has left me with this "need" to have control over anything and everything that I can in my life. It just doesn't work that way does it?

Over and over I find that the things I try hardest to control, are the things that God wants most from me. The things that freak me out and get me totally worried are the things that He has already worked out for me. I have all these ideas about how my life should turn out and I have to tell you that most of the time God has other plans. Why am I so hesitant to let Him do his thing? To give up the fight for the things I want, the things I think that I need? Thankfully, whether I end up releasing it or not God has control over my life. I can make it as difficult for Him as I can, but he will win. Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails". And as hard as it is for me to admit that I don't have control, it is actually a comforting thought. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". I may not understand what his plans are or why I have to wait (another thing I am not good at, but we'll talk about another time), but knowing that His plans are best for me helps me let go.

So, I will take it as it comes...moment by moment...and try my best to submit to what God's plans are for my life. I don't change anything by holding on to my own wants, I only postpone what God wants to do in my life. The blessings he has for me.

My First Thoughts

Well, I have joined the land of blog. Not sure that I really have anything very interesting to share. Just my thoughts on life, my stories, my hopes and dreams. Hopefully some of my thoughts will be of interest to any of you out there who may run across this. Right now, I'm just getting started.

Thoughts for today:
Why does Stacey have insomnia? Isn't that the worst. Nothing is better to me than a good nights sleep.
How can I be so completely addicted to DECAF Starbucks latte? There must be some other addictive substance in Starbucks. It could be a conspiracy.

I must say I am a total sucker for "packaging". Show me something in a trendy, cool, stylish package...and I am sold. Maybe that is feeding my addiction. I mean, isn't part of what draws people to places like Starbucks the experience. Mike (my husband) and I were driving to my cousins Wedding in Indiana last week and I saw a store off the freeway with a really cool sign. I had seen this sign several times on other trips and always been drawn to it. "I would like to go there" I said. As the thought is already entering Mike's head (he knows me so well) I say, "Mostly because I like the sign".

It was a sofa store. We don't even need a sofa. But they do have a really cool sign.
Okay, so like I said these are just my thoughts. Nothing earth shattering...