Pressure

Okay...I know I'm not making a strong case here, but I'm writing another pregnancy blog.

I had my first appointment yesterday and for the most part it was very helpful and informative. We talked about my appointment schedule, what to expect, what is "normal", she gave me TONS of reading material and some free samples. She also did an exam and another ultrasound (I got to see the heart beat again...very, very, cool). Before I went off to the vampires to give half of my blood away (okay it was only 3 tubes...but it was not the most exciting part of my visit)...she talked with me about certain genetic tests that are available to me.

Mike and I decided early on that we probably wouldn't bother with the genetic testing because we don't have any intention of ending a pregnancy regardless of what we find out in any test. Problem is, my uncle was Down Syndrome and my brother is Autistic...huge RED flags in the medical community. My doctor said that she had to strongly recommend not only the genetic testing but an amniocentesis as well! Now, I love my doctor...don't think for a minute that she is the one I am feeling "pressure" from...not at all. She made it VERY clear that I can decline any and ALL of these tests and it would be perfectly fine. She just has to recommend them based on my family history.

So, it's not that I want to change our decision. I honestly don't think I want these tests, but the problem is...there is so much pressure out there to "do the right thing" not for us, but for the baby. So much of what I am reading is really making me feel irresponsible for even considering not having these tests. The main consensus (in these articles at least) seems to be that even if I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy, it is only in the babies best interest for me to know what I am facing and have the best care lined up if I should find that something could be wrong.

The key word there...something "could" be wrong. Most of these tests are not diagnostic...they just give you a better idea of what my "risks" are for certain disorders. Then based on these tests, they recommend more tests usually more invasive and tests that have their own risks involved. So, is this information I really need to know? Am I really starting out as a bad mother if I choose not to have these tests? Is knowing this information really going to be what it best for my child?

My gut feeling is as it has been all along. God is in control. No amount of testing or preparation is going to change his plan for this child. How much of this is really going to benefit us and how much of it is there just to offer us another way of trying to have our "control" over the situation? I am 99.9% sure we will decline this testing, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...and hear some of yours. Obviously we want to do what is best for our child. Please pray that God will give us wisdom and peace about this decision and many more to come!

Updates

I am not going to assume that you all will continually want to hear about my pregnancy and morning sickness and so on...for an entire 9 months...so I promise that all of my blogs will not be about that, but I thought I should update since my last post.

After sharing my unpreparedness for the first trimester of pregnancy, I was reminded of all the great friends that God has placed in my life and why I love them so much! So many of you shared sympathy and tips to help me and I just wanted to say thanks! Many of your suggestions worked wonders for me. (Specifically the sour candies from Baby's R Us....Thank you Rita for asking Ashley for help!!! Thank her for me too!). You are all so great!

Stacy came over one day to help me get some things done around the house. I have to admit...my pride did not want to let her come see all my dirty dishes and laundry, but she came none the less and helped me tremendously! Thank you so much Stacy! My other friend Stacey (and a few other great friends) is taking such good care of me during the GOC rehersals...making sure I eat and drink water...she's always looking out for me. I just love all of you. Shelly - PB&J...wonderful! Saleena - ice...helped me so much during practice.

So many I didn't mention by name have offered tips and given offers to help around the house...it is just such a blessing. Thank you ALL SO much. I think it may be starting to let up a little bit *knock on wood*...just a few more weeks to go (hopefully!)

One last update unrelated to pregnancy. Awhile back I wrote about my dog Bruin and some crazy reaction he was having to something. For awhile it was really looking like he could have an autoimmune disease. Well, he is not completely out of the woods yet, but the good news is that his rash did not come back! They put him on steroids through the allergy season and said if the rash came back in the fall/winter that was not a good sign. Well he has been off the steroids since the end of Sept and NO rash! Please keep praying for our little guy. If the rash stays away for the entire winter that would be really great news. If and when it comes back we will have to do a biopsy to find out what it really is (allergy or autoimmune).

Unprepared

So, I guess it is a good thing that during my journey through infertility I learned that I have basically little if any control over most things. What I was not prepared for was this experience of having NO control over my body and how I feel. I don't know what I expected...I guess I didn't know what to expect. The first trimester of pregnancy has knocked me off my feet...I am drained! Don't get me wrong...it could be a lot worse...I have heard of women who suffer through much more agonizing sickness than I have yet to experience (and pray daily that I won't go there). I just didn't realize that I would have NO control over my energy, my hunger, my moods etc...

So far this week I have come home every day after work and collapsed on my couch. Some days I sleep, some days I watch T.V. but I have yet to get anything close to productive done. There is more laundry than any 2 people should ever have piled up in the laundry room and a sink full of dishes. Mail from days ago is left unopened on the counter or the table. The refridgerator is virtually empty, which isn't a huge problem since I really can't eat anything anyway...but poor Mike! He doesn't have to eat crackers and ginger ale. Every time I think "pull yourself together! you should be able to get something done!" I roll over on the couch and forget about it.

No control over what I can eat. That pretty much stinks. Nothing that I am used to eating sounds even remotely good anymore. Before the nausea started getting bad I was actually craving things that I rarely eat (hamburgers, dairy, fast food...weird). Now that I feel nauseous 90% of the time, my diet consists of crackers, grapes, apples, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, yogurt and water...none of which actually sound appetizing, but they have managed to stay down, so I stick with what I know. I always have a supply of peppermint gum and sour candies and I am TERRIFIED that I will toss my cookies in public (which probably makes me feel worse most of the time, so I'm trying to get over that).

At 6 weeks I felt a little yucky and thought "this isn't so bad...I can handle this". Then 7 weeks was a little worse, but I got through. 8 weeks has left me wondering how much worse this is going to get before it gets better? I hope I don't have to miss out on GOC (Glory of Christmas concerts at Northridge), but I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. They say it gets much better by 12 or 13 weeks. I hope so!!

Good News

It has been many months (2 years actually) of waiting, praying, hoping, learning, blogging etc... I've often wondered as I wrote about what God was doing in my life how many of you knew what the focus of my struggle was. I know that several close friends knew and I assumed that many others would figure it out, but that was okay with me. Why didn't I write about it more specifically...I don't really know. I guess it was because for so long it was the total focus of my life and I knew I needed to get my focus back on the right things.

Well, now I can tell you the focus of my struggle and the journey God has had me on for the past two years was one of infertility. Mike and I decided in Sept 2004 that we would like to start a family. Little did we know that the decision was not ours to make. We tried for a year without any intervention and then we started seeing specialists and undergoing treatments. For me treatments consisted of medication. 2 different medications each for 3 months. As we progressed farther in our journey we discussed several options, but decided that for us...medications would be as far as we would go with the treatments. This was a difficult decision to make seeing as the medications weren't working for me. Regardless, when the time came and we were done with the medications we decided to stop fertility treatments even though it seemed that we would not be able to have a child without them.

That must've been the key. 2 months later...I was pregnant. The decision to stop the treatments was more significant than I had thought. It was the first time in this journey that I really allowed God to change my heart. My focus through most of this had been "what can I do to have a baby"..."how can I make this work" etc...but now, by making this decision I realized that I was saying "okay, I understand. there is nothing I can do and I am not going to try and make my desires happen any longer. I am honestly and truly placing this completely in your hands Lord".

There is so much more to the story and the only reason I am sharing this is because now that God has given us the desire of our hearts...I don't want to forget everything He has taught me a long the way. Now that I "have what I want" I don't want to push God aside as if He had nothing to do with it. I want to claim this for what it is...A blessing from God. I don't need Him any less now than I did when I was waiting for Him to answer our prayers.

And I realize that His answers to prayer were there all along. Even if He had decided that children were not in His plan for us...He would still have answered our prayers. God is not good because He has given us a child, He is good because His ways are perfect and He will see us through. This is STILL completely in His hands. His plan for this child starts now and ends when He sees fit. Just as before, we will not force His hand and I do not want MY will for this child...only HIS. These are lessons that I needed to learn and as difficult as it was, I am SO thankful that God brought me through this and had His will in my life. I pray He will continue to do the same on this new journey...PARENTHOOD!!!

So, please pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. We are due June 24, 2007. I look forward to sharing God's blessing with you.

Holding Hands

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the creator of the ends of the earth.

HE will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:28-29

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

And through the rivers,

They shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire,

you shall not be burned.

Isaiah 43:2

The Lord has proven these truths over and over in my life. Yet, each time I face a new unknown, it is like I have forgotten everything! The doubt, fear, & sadness begin but He leads me through it yet again, drawing me closer to Him. I wish I could be continually aware and constantly growing closer to Him. Why is it when one storm has passed, I let go of His hand only to find that I'm frantically grasping for it when the next storm comes through. When I'm not holding on and the storm begins, I get blown and tossed around, tired and weary. When I do eventually take hold of his hand, His power, peace, courage, strength, love, and joy all become mine. What if I never let go? I would have a constant connection to these things and I could avoid the beating I so often endure because I have let go of His hand. He would help me keep a sound mind and face the storms head on from the beginning.

I want to keep hold of His hand. Even when things are calm and no storm is in sight. I want to enjoy the good times with Him. I want to be so close that when the storms come, I don't need to go searching. I am so thankful that He does not grow weary, and He has understanding that no one can fathom. Where would I be without that?