A month from now...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life is going to look like about a month from now. So many people have tried to explain the miracle (both the joys and sacrifices) of adding a child to your family...but I have a feeling I will not truly be able to fathom it until it actually happens.

I'm not sure how this happened, but I am a worrier by nature. Neither one of my parents have (had) this trait, so I'm not sure who is to blame...but none the less...I worry. I seem to have gotten a little better over the years and several life experiences, but if I am honest...worry often creeps into my thoughts and can sometimes get me worked up about things that I probably don't need to be worked up about.

We have wanted a child for several years now. There was a time when it seemed like that may not be in God's plan for us. So why now, after He chose to bless us would I even consider letting worry enter the picture and steal my joy? I guess there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now...so many unknowns...so many things I'm not sure I am really ready for!?

First of all...LABOR & Childbirth...This is kind of easy to put in the back of your mind during the early months of pregnancy, but the reality of this really starts to hit home when you are about a month away from delivery. Will everything be okay? Can I really do this?

Secondly...Life Change. As much as I hate to admit it...I've become accustomed to a certain way of life. You know life is going to change when you add a child into the picture, but I'm not sure I can really fathom HOW much life is going to change and if I am ready for these changes. What sacrifices will I really need to make and am I unselfish enough to make these sacrifices?

Third...Identity Crisis. I have been so many things for so many years...but now, most of my being is going to be wrapped up into being a Mother. I have been working since I got out of high school...now, as far as we can tell...I will be a stay at home Mom. A prospect that sounds very appealing at first, but also makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home Mom? I have always been an extreme social butterfly...I thrive on social situations, but will these be limited now as I face caring for a completely dependant human being? I am a volunteer...I love to be involved, to serve, and to help. I take pride in the fact that I am available and dependable...something I wonder if I will be able to do now. Will I still be able to be involved in ministry?

Finally...Parenting. The vastness of this responsibility constantly overwhelms me. I worry that I won't make the right decisions, or that even if I do...my child may rebel. I worry that he won't be healthy or that the evil in this world will get the best of him. I worry that I can't protect him. I worry that I will try to control him...knowing full well that I can't.

I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture here. Like a bride having second thoughts at the altar...only with this...there really is NO turning back. There is more...but I feel like I've probably said too much already. I didn't want to give the idea that I'm totally freaking out or that these things have me paralyzed with fear. That is not the case. They are just thoughts that enter my head, things that I have to constantly give back to God. And that is what I am doing. I have faced the unknown several times in my life and He has ALWAYS seen me through. I know this time will not be any different. Overall, I still feel so overwhelmingly blessed, excited and full of joy!

Letting Go

Well, we did it. Yesterday, we dropped off the BMW to its new owner. I deposited the check today and all is well. Well, sorta...

I got to thinking yesterday that some people must be wondering how we can be so concerned about $ when we owned a BMW! Some of you know, but most of you may not, that I inherited the BMW when my father passed away. I can assure you that at no point in our lives up to this moment have we ever been able to afford a BMW. That was part of our reason for getting rid of it. The maintenance alone on one that we didn't even pay for was more than we could manage. But that is not the point of this blog...

I honestly didn't think that I would have any problem selling my father's old car, but I have to say that it was a little weird. Just before we left, Mike went out to make sure he had it all cleaned out and came in with a few things. Several of these things were my fathers. Nothing important really, just papers with his handwriting and several pieces of the gum that he used to chew. There was a page from his calendar with notes on how to get to an Automotive Museum. My dad was a car man through and through. At the moment it made me a little sad, and I guess there is a little sadness left today, but these memories also make me smile. It is amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is gone with just some little insignificant reminders.

When we dropped off the car and I met the man who bought it, he was talking about retirement and how 2 of his kids were out of the house now etc...I guess it just reminded me that it was this same stage of life that my father was in when he bought the car. So, I was a little more emotional about letting it go than I expected. My dad really did enjoy it. It was one of the few things he ever did for himself. But I am happy and wish the new owner all the best. Hope he enjoys it as much as dad did.

Things

Fun Stuff:
We are selling the BMW! Yahoo! This will give us enough $ to pay off my car so we will have NO car payments (at least for a little while, Mike's car is old and has a lot of miles but it is still going strong. No telling when he'll need a new one though). Also, dropping the insurance for a BMW is pretty significant.

When I called to cancel the BMW insurance, I found out that we qualify for a discount on our other 2 cars through our credit union. Another bonus! AND we will be getting some refund for the BMW because it was paid in full through the end of July.

I found out that I should have no problems getting onto Mike's medical insurance and his employer will pay for both me and the baby. We thought we were going to have to pay out of pocket to add us, but we don't! For the past year I have been paying for my medical insurance through Cobra from my previous employer, but I will be able to stop that next month! Thank you Lord for another financial blessing.

I don't want to give you the impression that we are obsessed with $ or anything...it's just that looking ahead to a future with a baby and hoping to be a stay at home Mom, these are all very positive and exciting things!! God has provided again, just like He always does.

Fun Stuff (not financially related):
My best friend Jamie will be in town (briefly) this weekend and I may get to see her!

I am taking a photography class that starts next week! I know...why did I sign up for a class 7 weeks before my due date!?!? But, this is a completely online class and it will be totally easy and fun. Just the basics. I’m very excited about it. Hopefully, I will learn enough to take some fabulous pics of our new family. It is 6 weeks long, but I will have a “grace period” should the baby decide to come during that time.

Our birth class is next weekend. I’m excited to learn about this experience and hopefully feel a little more prepared. We found out that one of the nurses who works labor and delivery at Providence is in the choir at our church! She offered to come do the class at our house. This is really good for us since Mike’s schedule can be so unpredictable. How very sweet of her.

I am loving the nice weather. Even the spring rain yesterday wasn’t so bad. Kinda refreshing.

Not So Fun Stuff:
I finally got my blood meter to measure my glucose. I have been sticking my finger 4 TIMES a day! The first day my numbers weren’t quite what they should be, but I seem to have gotten the hang of it. The past few days my numbers have been good. I just had to be a little more strict about what I am eating (I thought I could cheat a little since I was just “borderline” but not so). Just a little bit of carbs make a big difference. I can handle 7 weeks of this, especially if it means that my baby is healthier and hopefully SMALLER.

The Dog House

I am becoming more and more concerned about Bailey and how he is going to react to having the baby around. He is just giving us more and more trouble, and the baby isn't even here yet. He is just so defiant and things have to go exactly his way. I hate to write about this because I don't want to give people the wrong idea about him, but he has shown some signs of aggression. I don't believe by nature that he is an aggressive dog, but he can be pushed to that point. He is becoming more and more unpredictable as to what it is that will push him to that point.

I honestly don't see him acting out with aggression toward the baby. Especially early on when the baby really can't interact with him at all. I honestly just see him continuing to act out toward us with defiance and possibly aggression when we try to control the defiance.

This realization is breaking my heart. We have tried (and will continue at least for now) everything we know to treat this and live in harmony with Bailey. We want him to be a happy and well adjusted dog, but to what extent? I honestly thought I would do ANYTHING it took...even early in the pregnancy, I couldn't imagine "giving up" on him. But I don't want to be stupid about this. I honestly don't want to end up like one of those people on the news whose dog has malled their child and they are like "I had no clue this could happen".

If the signs are there...it is always a possibility. I seriously feel ill everytime I think about it. I can't imagine life without Bailey, but it only takes one mistake. Am I really ready to be on guard 24/7? My heart is broken, and I have literally sobbed over this. I just pray every day that God will give us wisdom when dealing with Bailey, and if we have to make one of the most difficult decisions I can imagine making at this point in my life, that He will give us comfort and peace about it.

Time Flies

I seem to be in a reminiscing mood today (hence the baby picture of our now 5 year old dog). People always tell you "time flies" and even when you know it is true it can still be quite surprising. I honestly can't believe that is has been:

almost 31 years since I was born (oops, I mean 29...see what happens when time flies)

15 years since I learned to drive

13 years since I graduated high school

12 years ago that I met Mike

12 years since I started going to NorthRidge (Temple at the time) and God gave me the awesome privilege of serving on the praise team

7 years ago that I graduated College and entered the working world

6 years ago that we got Married

5.5 years ago that Bailey joined the family

3.5 years ago that Bruin joined the family

3 years ago that my best friend moved away

almost 3 years since my father passed away

almost 3 years ago that we decided to try and add children to our family

2 years since we moved into our new home and endured what seemed to be endless construction

1 year ago that those precious Bettinger twins were born 3 months early at a fragile 2 lbs, so unsure of what the future would hold (and so many other friends blessed with the birth of their children!)

1 year ago that I left my job and was blessed to work with Parker and Lori

almost 8 months since God saw fit to bless us with a pregnancy!

It is amazing how things can feel like they happened just yesterday, and an eternity ago all at the same time. As consumed as I was with so many of these stages in my life, I often feel now like they were just mere moments in time.

I have to admit that this makes me a little sad looking into the future. Everyone says to enjoy your time with your children because it goes by so fast! I know this is true, and I want to strive to make the most of every moment...I really do. Not just with my child(ren), but in my marriage and in every area of my life. We have been so blessed thus far. I pray that the memory of those blessings will inspire us to focus on what is most important and create many more great memories.

Borderline

Borderline. That's the term they use when you fail your glucose tolerence test by 1 point. It means that I don't really have gestational diabetes, but my numbers were not normal either. So what do I have? Glucose Intolerence.

C'mon...I mean...ONE point. Unfortunately, it is what it is...I "failed" the test and they treat glucose intolerence the same way as gestational diabetes (so why bother to distinquish them...I'm not sure). But anyhoo...I have to go and see a diabetic nutrition consultant and check my blood sugar every day with a glucometer. (Yep...the fingerstick...fabulous.)

I was given the option of taking the 3 hour glucose test again, but I opted out of that seeing as I almost passed out several times during the first hour of the test and felt like a truck had run over me for pretty much the remainder of the day. Yea, I'd rather prick my finger everyday for the next 80 days or so. No problem. And, I will possibly have to make some adjustments to what I eat...but to be honest...I have always watched what I eat...so I'll be interested to see what I will be able to change! (I'm sure there is always room for change).

So, this is a minor inconvenience at the least. I'm obviously ready and willing to do what I need to, to keep this little boy healthy and strong. I hope he appreciates all this!

The Next Phase

I've been wondering a lot lately what my life is going to look like 6 months from now, a year from now, even 10 years from now. I can say that I am mostly excited about looking ahead, but naturally I have some reservations too.

There have been many times in my life I have found myself looking ahead, wondering what the "next phase" would be like. Sometimes it came just as I expected, other times it hit me like a semi truck. Often the journey that led me to the place I would end was not at all what I expected. I can say that each time I have faced the next phase of life, whether I faced it with excitement or total fear, God completely and totally took care of me.

My devotion today was about "teachability".
Beloved, let's work on having a more teachable spirit. God often wants to do "a new thing" in our lives, but we resist Him (see Isa. 43:18-19).

18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland".

When we are proud, rebellious, and insist on our own way, the chances are good He'll use a donkey in our lives to get through to us! Unlikely teachers have a two-fold purpose: to bring humility and instruction. Often we will learn no other way. (Second Peter 2:15-16). Sometimes we don't mind something new, we just don't like the vehicle God's using to drive us to that new place. A precious part of teachability is being willing and anxious to learn, regardless of who He chooses as our unlikely teacher.

How many times have I found myself in the middle of a "new thing" completely freaked out and ready to run the other way. God has certainly used plenty of "donkeys" in my life to get my attention and get me back on track. I want to face this next phase of life with courage, excitement, and a desire to learn instead of fear, bewilderment, and a desire to run the other way. I want to look expectedly to Him instead of getting hit by the semi (or the donkey).
Thankfully, HE will help me.

Sunshine????

Yep. SUNSHINE....HERE WE COME!!

I was watching T.V. the other day and I was introduced to the concept of a "Babymoon". These are vacations that expectant couples take sometime prior to the arrival of their baby.

Why not? We haven't been on a vacation, just the two of us, in quite awhile. I got to thinking that even with the best intentions, this is likely our last chance for a little while to get away together...just the two of us.

I was given the okay by my doctor at my last appointment...So, we did it! Last night we booked our all inclusive trip to Jamaica! Neither of us has ever been there before and we are both really excited. I am also just a little bit nervous...I usually am a little on edge about flying, but even more so now with another passenger "on board". The excitement certainly over rides my fears, but I could use a little prayer to stay calm and relaxed.

We both really need this vacation and I am so glad that God has given us this opportunity to spend time alone, together, in the SUN!!!

Victory

In service last night we were challenged to think on the things in this world that have broken our hearts...the heart that God originally created to be "Like His". So often I'm left feeling like things are completely out of control and I have to figure everything out. I, (like all of us) have been disappointed in life which has led to a lack of trust, and a selfishness in my desperate attempts to take care of myself. I've faced fears of rejection and inadequacy that has led to even more selfishness and a desperate striving for approval. I have experienced failures in life that had led to a hopeless feeling that things cannot change for me. These are just a few...I'm sure there are more.

Then in my daily devotional for today I ran across Ps 21:1 - 2. How exciting to know that I can rejoice in the strength that the Lord gives and have great joy in the victories that He provides! Father please grant my desire to be free from the strongholds in my life. Do not withhold this request from my lips.

When I am feeling like I can't battle this stronghold (whatever it is...) This can be my prayer:

O Lord, I rejoice in your strength. How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcomed me with rich blessing and placed a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life, and you gave it to me - length of day for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great; you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord; through the unfailing love of the Most High I will not be shaken.
Be exalted, O Lord, in your strength; I will sing and praise your might.
Adapted from Psalm 21: 1- 7, 13.

On the Move

I am pretty sure (as sure as I can be for a first time pregnancy) that I am feeling the baby moving around. It feels kinda like when your muscle has an involuntary "twitch". I wish I could know for sure, but I am just going to pretend that is what it is and be excited about it! :)

My back and hips are starting to ache from time to time. If I don't change positions frequently it gets worse. I have been trying to get up and move around. Thanks to Mike and Stewart, my treadmill is back in the house and I have been walking almost every day since (only missed one). I am a little hesitant because it seems impossible to keep my heart rate under 140bpm (which is what the standard is, I guess) but I don't feel like I am overdoing it at all. It feels good to be somewhat active again...so I'm just gonna stick with it and make sure I take it easy if I have any signs of discomfort.

I have also been able to get a few more things done around the house. I have learned to do little bits at a time and take short rests in between. It seems to be working well and it makes me feel so much better physically and mentally. I have decided to spend some of my resting time reading and praying rather than just sitting in front of the T.V. which is also making me feel 10 times more productive and much less like a slug.

Only 5 days (counting today) until my Ultrasound!!!

My Cross

Matthew 10: 37 - 39
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

This verse just has me thinking about so many things today. It seems like everyone is so consumed with their "rights" and what is "fair" (myself included), and very few are actually willing to "lose" their lives as this verse advises.

It frustrates me sometimes that I can so easily fall into a sense of hopelessness and despair when life takes a turn that I wasn't expecting. As if I have the right to orchestrate what should happen and how things should turn out. Isn't life itself a gift that I should be thankful for? Why do I always assume that I have control over it and would even do a decent job at planning a fruitful and happy outcome?

This is a warning against that very state of mind. My only priority should be taking up my cross and following Him. He takes care of all the rest. Taking up your cross...what does that really mean? To me it means that I need to submit. Submit to whatever it is that God has called me to do. Is this always going to be within my "rights" or will it always qualify as something that is "fair"? I would think not, but God isn't calling me to live a life that I want, full of my own plans and expectations...but to "lose" that life and submit to Him, follow Him, give complete control to Him. What He promises to those who do...that we will find LIFE.

So, as I sit around frustrated and upset about my lot in life...trying to control the things that seem to be "unfair" or outside my expectations...I hope I can remember that my only focus should be to follow Christ. To pick up my cross and through Him find the LIFE that I am so desperate for. Carrying that cross with Him has to be easier than trying to figure this all out on my own.

Milestones

Well my appointment yesterday went really well. I was relieved to hear a good strong heart beat again. 153 bpm. I was a little worried that being so sick could've been hard on the baby, but everything seems to be going okay so far.

First milestone...we scheduled my ultrasound appointment. It will be Monday, Jan 29th at 11:00am. Hopefully, if all goes well and the little one cooperates...we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl!

Second milestone...I've gained 8 pounds. Of course I know it is what I need to do, and I have a long way to go with many more pounds to put on, but I'm not going to pretend to be overly excited about it.

Third milestone...I wore my first pair of maternity pants today! I still have a few pairs of my regular jeans/pants that I can fit into...but some of them I can't button anymore and that is just becoming a hassle. So, I guess I've hit that "in between" phase. My normal clothes are getting uncomfortable and maternity clothes are still a little too big...but comfortable...so I'm gonna go with it! There is a maternity and children's resale shop down the street from my work. I bought a few things yesterday and a few other things online. My friend Stacy has given me some things too! Thank heavens for that. I hate to spend a lot of money on maternity stuff, but hopefully I will get to wear it again...at least once.

I just realized after my blog yesterday, that I have some things for my journal right here in my blog! Updating all of you has actually kept me more on track than I thought. So...more to come!!!

Good Intentions

I have all these goals, hopes, plans, dreams etc...

Some are big and some are simple, but right now they are all lost in the world of good intentions. I have felt like such a slug lately. I have not done anything but lay on the couch and wash a few dishes and clothes every now and then (not nearly as much as I should be). I guess I could give myself a little slack since I am making a baby here and I managed to survive the 1st trimester not to mention one of the worst viruses I have ever encountered...but none the less...this is not like me. It is just weird to not be "doing", "accomplishing", or "crossing things off the list".

I dreamed of the days I would be pregnant for so long...I thought I would have so much to say and do. I wanted to journal the entire experience, scrapbook every moment, research every child rearing related topic I could...and yet here I am 2 journals (virtually empty), a handful of belly pics on the computer (not any worth scrapbooking), and my mother doing research on childhood vaccinations for me.

I know there is still time...I mean, the baby won't be here until late June and once we find out what it is...I'm sure we'll have lots of planning & shopping etc...to be involved in...but I just feel like there is not enough time to do everything I wanted to do. I have already lost 3 months of this experience! If I continue like this I'll never be "ready" for this kid.
I hope that 2nd trimester energy I've heard about kicks in soon!!!

Mending

Well, I think I am finally on the mend from this horrible virus I caught. It seems like it really got a lot of people this time around. Maybe we'll find out what we all had was actually the plague of 2006.

Shortly after my last post, my cough got much worse. I was up all night, for many nights in a row coughing uncontrollably. Just to make matters worse, I ended up pulling a muscle in between my ribs during one of my cough attacks. Nice. So now on top of congestion, screaming facial pain, a cough that won't quit, and a fever...I had added excruciating pain whenever I would breathe, cough, sneeze or laugh (although I wasn't doing much laughing at the time).

It turns out I did end up with a sinus infection, so I finally got some antibiotics that helped me kick this nastiness. My main problem now is this pulled muscle between my ribs. My congestion has broken up, but unfortunately that causes me to cough quite a bit (not nearly as much, thank heavens) and that is still quite painful for me.

Mike was lucky enough to catch the plague from me, so he is recovering now as well. We both still felt pretty bad on New Years Eve, so we decided to stay home. It was actually kinda nice. We had a chance to just sit on the couch together and talk for hours. We don't do that often enough. I expected to be asleep by 9pm, but we talked so long we got to see the ball drop! Even though we didn't feel so hot, I'm really glad we got to spend this time together. Hopefully we'll make a point to do this more often.

At least now I can see light at the end of this tunnel. I have felt a little better each day for the last few days. I am getting better sleep and I'm sure my sore, beaten up body will recover fairly soon. I have been a little worried about the baby through all of this. It was just such an ordeal for my body...I can't imagine what the little bean went through. I have an appointment next week...hopefully everything will be okay.

I hope you all are doing well...take your vitamins and wash your hands!!!

Glowing?

I have this friend who always describes his pregnant wife as "glowing".

Glowing? Not me! So far pregnancy has not been my most enjoyable time. All day sickness & crazy emotional rollercoaster rides... Please don't get me wrong...I am SO thankful and I don't take this for granted for one moment. It's just the actual pregnancy part has been kinda hard on me. Now I am really sick...caught one of the worst colds I have ever had (not adding that for drama here...I'm serious...I don't remember ever having a cold this bad).

The only thing "glowing" about me right now is the junk that has built up in my sinuses, screaming to get out. My face hurts so bad...even my teeth! I would venture to guess that my face begins to "glow" when I start one of my coughing fits and my throat is at least twice its normal size. Anytime I try to sleep the coughing gets worse and keeps me up all night. Seriously, I checked the clock every hour.

I went to the doc yesterday, certian that I had sinusitis or bronchitis or pneumonia or something worse than a cold. But I don't. That is the good news. The bad news is, since it is just a cold all I can do is wait it out. I can't even take anything for it (because I'm pregnant) but tylenol (might as well eat candy). So forgive me for my inactivity on email, blogs, texts etc...I'm probably laying on the couch trying to sleep.

Memories

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to encounter involves an over emotional pregnant woman with a keyboard and time to write a novel.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas music. I generally listen to it from Thanksgiving till New Years...all day, every day! Lately, I have been experiencing this unofficial tradition from a new perspective. Some of these songs are really taking me back and giving me a new appreciation for the memories I have in my life. One such song starts as follows:

So this is Christmas...and what have you done?
Another year over...and a new one just begun.
So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun.
The near and the dear ones...the old and the young.

Each time I listen to this song...I tear up. Mostly because I am pretty much and emotional wreck right now...but also because it poses some very deep thoughts for me. So this is Christmas...and what have you done? What have I done? Sometimes, it doesn't feel like I have done much at all. I often feel like I have taken so many things for granted and stumbled through so many things I could've done better. Then there are the things I didn't even do...plenty of opportunity...but no action. And now...Another year over...you can't take back the time you've wasted or re-do the things you've messed up. Time is going SO quickly...they all tell you this when you are a carefree adolescent without a care in the world...and you never believe them...until it happens!

A new one just begun...This is a hopeful statement...I begin to think about the things there is still time to do. Everything that lies ahead of me. Things that maybe I can make right. Unfortunately, sometimes the weight of tremendous responsibility gets the best of me and I start to freak out a little. We're going to be responsible for another life! This totally overwhelms me at times...I feel like there is NO possible way that I can succeed in this task. (Thankfully, I can count on God to help me through this one)

So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun...This is when the memories begin. We DO have fun at Christmas! I spend time with family and friends that I don't get to see very often and I really do enjoy it so much. Something about this year makes me a little sad though. I guess I'm sad for the one's who aren't here anymore. When I see old home movies of people who are now senior citizens or who have already passed away at a time when they were my age (they don't even have to be people I know!)...I just can't help but think of how soon this time will be gone. Of all the unexpected things that lie ahead. How none of them were thinking about cancer or heart failure at the time...and then one day...they were forced to. I wonder when a day like that will come in our lives...and how we will handle it.

The near and the dear ones...the old and the young...But I do have mostly good memories. Particularly of my Dad. I have been thinking about him a lot lately...for no particular reason...probably the pregnancy and the inevitable memory rollercoaster associated with the Holidays. Sometimes, I feel like I can't possibly remember every great thing about him. It's like I need to write down every little thing I think about for fear of forgetting and not being able to pass on his legacy. This is important to me. With a child on the way...I want him or her to know everything about their grandpa...but how? How can I possibly convey all the great things that were my Dad? All the little things...the daily things...the special things...

Well...okay...so, how is that for an uplifting Holiday message!? I'm really not such a downer all the time...in fact, more often than not I'm thinking on the good things...the fun things...and trying not to let myself become so overwhelmed. I've also stopped listening to that song quite so much. The Holidays will be good for us, filled with family, friends, laughter and joy...And I guess it is not a bad thing to think about these things from time to time...I guess sometimes it's these things that motivate us to make a change or start a tradition. Most importantly...to remember our blessings...and not take things for granted.

Overzealous

First of all...is that right? Is overzealous one word or two? Oh well...this blog is not about my grammar or spelling abilities (thank heavens).

Turns out I got a little too excited too soon about the decrease in my nausea. This morning is brutal. I woke up trying very hard not to gag at the slightest little thing...dishes in the sink, making coffee (decaf), making oatmeal (very bad choice when your already nauseous by the way...), trying to figure out what I'm gonna have for lunch, taking out the garbage, etc... Even sitting here now recalling the situation has started that familiar and uncomfortable feeling in the back of my throat. (open and insert one raspberry preggy pop!). Okay, I'm going to move on to another topic now.

Seems that these pregnancy hormones have done quite a number on me. I really thought I was doing okay in the mood category...I've never been one to blame my actions on PMS or any other hormonal instability...but this is really just CRAZY. Sometimes I feel like a totally different person. For starters...I have never been terribly emotional. Sad movies and stories often make me tear up a little, but I'm generally really good at keeping my composure. Well, forget that now. Tears are rolling far more frequently than I am used to and it has kinda thrown me off a little. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. One thing is for sure...I am going to have to quit watching Emergency Vets and Baby Story...sure waterworks, every time!

Not only that...but I seem to be having trouble keeping my conversations rational. I mean, I can start out talking about a very good topic...something that needs to be discussed...something that could be resolved calmly and orderly...and by the end of the conversation I am a hopeless mess and I've managed to blow the situation completely out of proportion and made matters about 1000 times worse. I have always had an incredible knack for being over analytical and talking things to DEATH...combine that with these pregnancy hormones and...watch out. My intentions are good...I just want whatever to be resolved so we can move on and live in harmony...but once I get started there is NO resolution or harmony anywhere to be found. Who IS this person?

And talk about over sensitive! I'm constantly making the wrong conclusions or assumptions about other peoples actions. Things that would normally just roll off my back can now become major issues in my mind. I'm a paranoid mess.

Unfortunately, Mike is really the main one getting the brunt of ALL this. Sometimes I think if we manage to get through this without him leaving me, THAT will be the true miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. Pray for him...pray for US. Pray for anyone who comes across my path. Lord help us all.

Decisions, Decisions...

I have another appointment today with my ob. I'm sure some of you have been wondering...we have decided NOT to do any of the screening tests. I wanted to thank everyone for their input and let you all know we have total peace about the decision. So, we are patiently awaiting our 18 - 20 week ultrasound when we will be able to find out what gender our baby is (yes we are finding out...I've waited long enough and don't really like suprises all that much anyway! ) and we'll hopefully see that things are progressing as planned. I don't have a date for it yet, but it will be sometime at the end of Jan or early Feb. I have a feeling we are having a boy...Mike thinks it's a girl. Several friends think girl too...but we have run across a few who think boy. We'll see?!?!?!

The next decision on my mind...vaccinations. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate...THAT is the question. I honestly don't have an opinion just yet...so, Mike and I will start our researching...and we'll see what we come up with. Any info and advice is welcome...when we come to a decision, it will be after much prayerful consideration and trust that God will guide us to do what is best for our family.

Morning sickness (or all day sickness as my experience has been) is getting better for me. I managed to get through all 9 GOC concerts and I actually felt pretty good. I really felt like God was giving me the strength and the energy I needed at just the right time. I would wake up feeling absolutely seasick and by the time I stepped on the stage (and with a little help from preggy pops, tums smoothies and peppermint gum...not all at once...) I would be feeling good and ready to sing my heart out. I suffered through a few pretty annoying headaches, but discovered that tylenol actually can get rid of a headache when combined with just a little bit of caffeine (only 1/2 cup of coffee...did the trick).

I'm reading a book by Max Lucado called "The Cure for the Common Life". I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but what I have read so far has been about how God has created a "sweet spot" in our lifes. He's given us just the right talents and abilities to do exactly what He wants us to do. Of course I have heard this concept before...but it was refreshing to read it from a new perspective. Expectant parent. The last couple of years have really felt like a search for me...like I wasn't quite in the right spot...like this wasn't really "IT" for me...like God was preparing me for something more. I really started thinking about my gifts, talents, desires, and dreams...and began to wonder if this could be my sweet spot? Parenthood? Motherhood? Is this what God has created me and gifted me for? It could be...It could be that and even more...but it gave me a new excitement for what is about to happen in our lives and reminded me that I can't even begin to do this without Him. He has blessed us and gifted us just for this purpose and I just can't wait to see what He is going to do in our child's life through us.

Pressure

Okay...I know I'm not making a strong case here, but I'm writing another pregnancy blog.

I had my first appointment yesterday and for the most part it was very helpful and informative. We talked about my appointment schedule, what to expect, what is "normal", she gave me TONS of reading material and some free samples. She also did an exam and another ultrasound (I got to see the heart beat again...very, very, cool). Before I went off to the vampires to give half of my blood away (okay it was only 3 tubes...but it was not the most exciting part of my visit)...she talked with me about certain genetic tests that are available to me.

Mike and I decided early on that we probably wouldn't bother with the genetic testing because we don't have any intention of ending a pregnancy regardless of what we find out in any test. Problem is, my uncle was Down Syndrome and my brother is Autistic...huge RED flags in the medical community. My doctor said that she had to strongly recommend not only the genetic testing but an amniocentesis as well! Now, I love my doctor...don't think for a minute that she is the one I am feeling "pressure" from...not at all. She made it VERY clear that I can decline any and ALL of these tests and it would be perfectly fine. She just has to recommend them based on my family history.

So, it's not that I want to change our decision. I honestly don't think I want these tests, but the problem is...there is so much pressure out there to "do the right thing" not for us, but for the baby. So much of what I am reading is really making me feel irresponsible for even considering not having these tests. The main consensus (in these articles at least) seems to be that even if I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy, it is only in the babies best interest for me to know what I am facing and have the best care lined up if I should find that something could be wrong.

The key word there...something "could" be wrong. Most of these tests are not diagnostic...they just give you a better idea of what my "risks" are for certain disorders. Then based on these tests, they recommend more tests usually more invasive and tests that have their own risks involved. So, is this information I really need to know? Am I really starting out as a bad mother if I choose not to have these tests? Is knowing this information really going to be what it best for my child?

My gut feeling is as it has been all along. God is in control. No amount of testing or preparation is going to change his plan for this child. How much of this is really going to benefit us and how much of it is there just to offer us another way of trying to have our "control" over the situation? I am 99.9% sure we will decline this testing, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...and hear some of yours. Obviously we want to do what is best for our child. Please pray that God will give us wisdom and peace about this decision and many more to come!

Updates

I am not going to assume that you all will continually want to hear about my pregnancy and morning sickness and so on...for an entire 9 months...so I promise that all of my blogs will not be about that, but I thought I should update since my last post.

After sharing my unpreparedness for the first trimester of pregnancy, I was reminded of all the great friends that God has placed in my life and why I love them so much! So many of you shared sympathy and tips to help me and I just wanted to say thanks! Many of your suggestions worked wonders for me. (Specifically the sour candies from Baby's R Us....Thank you Rita for asking Ashley for help!!! Thank her for me too!). You are all so great!

Stacy came over one day to help me get some things done around the house. I have to admit...my pride did not want to let her come see all my dirty dishes and laundry, but she came none the less and helped me tremendously! Thank you so much Stacy! My other friend Stacey (and a few other great friends) is taking such good care of me during the GOC rehersals...making sure I eat and drink water...she's always looking out for me. I just love all of you. Shelly - PB&J...wonderful! Saleena - ice...helped me so much during practice.

So many I didn't mention by name have offered tips and given offers to help around the house...it is just such a blessing. Thank you ALL SO much. I think it may be starting to let up a little bit *knock on wood*...just a few more weeks to go (hopefully!)

One last update unrelated to pregnancy. Awhile back I wrote about my dog Bruin and some crazy reaction he was having to something. For awhile it was really looking like he could have an autoimmune disease. Well, he is not completely out of the woods yet, but the good news is that his rash did not come back! They put him on steroids through the allergy season and said if the rash came back in the fall/winter that was not a good sign. Well he has been off the steroids since the end of Sept and NO rash! Please keep praying for our little guy. If the rash stays away for the entire winter that would be really great news. If and when it comes back we will have to do a biopsy to find out what it really is (allergy or autoimmune).