Victory

In service last night we were challenged to think on the things in this world that have broken our hearts...the heart that God originally created to be "Like His". So often I'm left feeling like things are completely out of control and I have to figure everything out. I, (like all of us) have been disappointed in life which has led to a lack of trust, and a selfishness in my desperate attempts to take care of myself. I've faced fears of rejection and inadequacy that has led to even more selfishness and a desperate striving for approval. I have experienced failures in life that had led to a hopeless feeling that things cannot change for me. These are just a few...I'm sure there are more.

Then in my daily devotional for today I ran across Ps 21:1 - 2. How exciting to know that I can rejoice in the strength that the Lord gives and have great joy in the victories that He provides! Father please grant my desire to be free from the strongholds in my life. Do not withhold this request from my lips.

When I am feeling like I can't battle this stronghold (whatever it is...) This can be my prayer:

O Lord, I rejoice in your strength. How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcomed me with rich blessing and placed a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life, and you gave it to me - length of day for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great; you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord; through the unfailing love of the Most High I will not be shaken.
Be exalted, O Lord, in your strength; I will sing and praise your might.
Adapted from Psalm 21: 1- 7, 13.

On the Move

I am pretty sure (as sure as I can be for a first time pregnancy) that I am feeling the baby moving around. It feels kinda like when your muscle has an involuntary "twitch". I wish I could know for sure, but I am just going to pretend that is what it is and be excited about it! :)

My back and hips are starting to ache from time to time. If I don't change positions frequently it gets worse. I have been trying to get up and move around. Thanks to Mike and Stewart, my treadmill is back in the house and I have been walking almost every day since (only missed one). I am a little hesitant because it seems impossible to keep my heart rate under 140bpm (which is what the standard is, I guess) but I don't feel like I am overdoing it at all. It feels good to be somewhat active again...so I'm just gonna stick with it and make sure I take it easy if I have any signs of discomfort.

I have also been able to get a few more things done around the house. I have learned to do little bits at a time and take short rests in between. It seems to be working well and it makes me feel so much better physically and mentally. I have decided to spend some of my resting time reading and praying rather than just sitting in front of the T.V. which is also making me feel 10 times more productive and much less like a slug.

Only 5 days (counting today) until my Ultrasound!!!

My Cross

Matthew 10: 37 - 39
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

This verse just has me thinking about so many things today. It seems like everyone is so consumed with their "rights" and what is "fair" (myself included), and very few are actually willing to "lose" their lives as this verse advises.

It frustrates me sometimes that I can so easily fall into a sense of hopelessness and despair when life takes a turn that I wasn't expecting. As if I have the right to orchestrate what should happen and how things should turn out. Isn't life itself a gift that I should be thankful for? Why do I always assume that I have control over it and would even do a decent job at planning a fruitful and happy outcome?

This is a warning against that very state of mind. My only priority should be taking up my cross and following Him. He takes care of all the rest. Taking up your cross...what does that really mean? To me it means that I need to submit. Submit to whatever it is that God has called me to do. Is this always going to be within my "rights" or will it always qualify as something that is "fair"? I would think not, but God isn't calling me to live a life that I want, full of my own plans and expectations...but to "lose" that life and submit to Him, follow Him, give complete control to Him. What He promises to those who do...that we will find LIFE.

So, as I sit around frustrated and upset about my lot in life...trying to control the things that seem to be "unfair" or outside my expectations...I hope I can remember that my only focus should be to follow Christ. To pick up my cross and through Him find the LIFE that I am so desperate for. Carrying that cross with Him has to be easier than trying to figure this all out on my own.

Milestones

Well my appointment yesterday went really well. I was relieved to hear a good strong heart beat again. 153 bpm. I was a little worried that being so sick could've been hard on the baby, but everything seems to be going okay so far.

First milestone...we scheduled my ultrasound appointment. It will be Monday, Jan 29th at 11:00am. Hopefully, if all goes well and the little one cooperates...we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl!

Second milestone...I've gained 8 pounds. Of course I know it is what I need to do, and I have a long way to go with many more pounds to put on, but I'm not going to pretend to be overly excited about it.

Third milestone...I wore my first pair of maternity pants today! I still have a few pairs of my regular jeans/pants that I can fit into...but some of them I can't button anymore and that is just becoming a hassle. So, I guess I've hit that "in between" phase. My normal clothes are getting uncomfortable and maternity clothes are still a little too big...but comfortable...so I'm gonna go with it! There is a maternity and children's resale shop down the street from my work. I bought a few things yesterday and a few other things online. My friend Stacy has given me some things too! Thank heavens for that. I hate to spend a lot of money on maternity stuff, but hopefully I will get to wear it again...at least once.

I just realized after my blog yesterday, that I have some things for my journal right here in my blog! Updating all of you has actually kept me more on track than I thought. So...more to come!!!

Good Intentions

I have all these goals, hopes, plans, dreams etc...

Some are big and some are simple, but right now they are all lost in the world of good intentions. I have felt like such a slug lately. I have not done anything but lay on the couch and wash a few dishes and clothes every now and then (not nearly as much as I should be). I guess I could give myself a little slack since I am making a baby here and I managed to survive the 1st trimester not to mention one of the worst viruses I have ever encountered...but none the less...this is not like me. It is just weird to not be "doing", "accomplishing", or "crossing things off the list".

I dreamed of the days I would be pregnant for so long...I thought I would have so much to say and do. I wanted to journal the entire experience, scrapbook every moment, research every child rearing related topic I could...and yet here I am 2 journals (virtually empty), a handful of belly pics on the computer (not any worth scrapbooking), and my mother doing research on childhood vaccinations for me.

I know there is still time...I mean, the baby won't be here until late June and once we find out what it is...I'm sure we'll have lots of planning & shopping etc...to be involved in...but I just feel like there is not enough time to do everything I wanted to do. I have already lost 3 months of this experience! If I continue like this I'll never be "ready" for this kid.
I hope that 2nd trimester energy I've heard about kicks in soon!!!

Mending

Well, I think I am finally on the mend from this horrible virus I caught. It seems like it really got a lot of people this time around. Maybe we'll find out what we all had was actually the plague of 2006.

Shortly after my last post, my cough got much worse. I was up all night, for many nights in a row coughing uncontrollably. Just to make matters worse, I ended up pulling a muscle in between my ribs during one of my cough attacks. Nice. So now on top of congestion, screaming facial pain, a cough that won't quit, and a fever...I had added excruciating pain whenever I would breathe, cough, sneeze or laugh (although I wasn't doing much laughing at the time).

It turns out I did end up with a sinus infection, so I finally got some antibiotics that helped me kick this nastiness. My main problem now is this pulled muscle between my ribs. My congestion has broken up, but unfortunately that causes me to cough quite a bit (not nearly as much, thank heavens) and that is still quite painful for me.

Mike was lucky enough to catch the plague from me, so he is recovering now as well. We both still felt pretty bad on New Years Eve, so we decided to stay home. It was actually kinda nice. We had a chance to just sit on the couch together and talk for hours. We don't do that often enough. I expected to be asleep by 9pm, but we talked so long we got to see the ball drop! Even though we didn't feel so hot, I'm really glad we got to spend this time together. Hopefully we'll make a point to do this more often.

At least now I can see light at the end of this tunnel. I have felt a little better each day for the last few days. I am getting better sleep and I'm sure my sore, beaten up body will recover fairly soon. I have been a little worried about the baby through all of this. It was just such an ordeal for my body...I can't imagine what the little bean went through. I have an appointment next week...hopefully everything will be okay.

I hope you all are doing well...take your vitamins and wash your hands!!!