Christmastime

I don't know what it was about this year...but Christmas came and went in a whirlwind.

It all started at Thanksgiving. I have started this little tradition (since I've been married) of putting up our tree on the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, this year we were all sick after Thanksgiving, so it was put off. I was a little bit disappointed but at the time I thought, "no problem...I will have plenty of time".

Then Glory of Christmas (GOC) started. I have been involved in this musical production that we do at Northridge Church for the past 13 years...why it snuck up on me this year, I have no idea...I know what is involved and I know that for the first two weeks of December I am lucky to get the day to day things done...much less any extra Holiday things...but I convinced myself it wouldn't be that bad...I could do it...

10 piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, multiple tumbleweeds of dog hair, and 3 toilet rim rings later...I realized I was in over my head. The more that piled up, the less motivated I was to do it. Again, I convinced myself...GOC will be over and then I will have plenty of time to catch up.

I started off okay...the dirty piles of laundry became clean folded piles of laundry (well some of them), dishes were washed as we needed them, and I would pick up dog hair tumbleweeds as I passed. Notice I haven't mentioned the toilets yet...yea...not good...but people weren't coming to my house for 2 more weeks...plenty of time to clean the toilets. I still had to decorate my tree and get our Christmas card picture taken!

Day after day passed. Each day a new thing to take my attention away from the tasks at hand. It was Dec 21st we managed to get our pictures taken, Dec 23rd I decorated the tree, Dec 24th (and some of the morning on Dec 25th) I finally got the house cleaned (toilets too) and my Christmas cards mailed. I still have baskets of clean laundry to put away and new piles of dirty laundry to wash. I was honestly so overwhelmed and disappointed by it all.

But, when it all came down to it...we had a wonderful Christmas. We have spent much needed time with family and friends, gotten some much needed rest, and had some quiet moments together as a family. I will have memories from each chaotic Christmastime episode that will last a lifetime. :)

Story Time

In my quest to understand more about myself and my ways of life, I have responded to the suggestion to take some time for "myself". Every day (at least nearly every day) for the past few weeks as I put Isaac down for his nap, I brew come coffee...grab my warmest blanket...head to our living room, and open up a book.

It has been fun venturing into the living room. We rarely spend any time here...it is our "nice" room, with nice furniture and fixtures...where the kids and dogs are not allowed. There is no TV here, no phone, and generally...no computer (although today I have made an exception to share about this experience with you). There are two big windows that give me a glimpse into the outdoors and whatever beauty is taking place for that day. Some days the warm sun is glowing and lately the refreshing snow flakes have been falling...as hard as it is to appreciate the driving hazards, layers of clothing, and sore muscles from shoveling...it is hard to deny its beauty.


It is the perfect place in our house for a little peace and quiet. I have never been much of a reader, so it is very easy for me to be distracted. Here, I find that I don't have as much difficulty keeping focused. It is comfortable and inviting. The book I am reading is the Bible. I have been doing a bible study on the life of Jesus, and it sparked my interest in the gospels. I will admit that at first, this felt like more of a task...another thing on my "to do" list that I could check off and feel accomplished about. But as I read and learned, a desire started to spark and this time began to feel more like a rest or refuge. When my assigned reading was finished, I wanted more...I didn't want to just check that off for the day and go on my way...

So into the gospels I went. As Jesus entered the teaching phase of his life, he told so many stories. I have just recently started reading "The Message" translation, which uses language that adds even more to the element of "story time". I feel like a kid again, wrapped up in a blanket, listening to stories about great people and marvelous adventures. I have easily spent several hours here, brought back to reality by my son awaking from his nap. In the past I would've felt irritated that I had done "nothing" during Isaac's nap...my one chance to get things done around the house without having to worry about keeping an eye on him...but lately, I don't mind at all. I value this time so much, and when it is over I feel refreshed and happy.

Best of all, I am learning. I have been a Christian for most of my life, but I feel like I have so much to learn about God. I love this study I'm doing, and following the gospels...getting glimpses into WHO God really is and what that means for my life. He has so much compassion for us, but above that He has a plan. An eternal plan for a kingdom, that is His number one priority. There is much about His plan that is difficult to understand, but as I learn more about who He is...I know that He can be trusted. I know that He has a purpose for every decision He makes...one that for whatever reason, works for His eternal plan. I am convinced that Christ CAN do anything, but I know that He chooses what He will and will not do. My place is to seek His purposes in everything. Wanting more for His work and His will being done through my life than I want for my hardships and handicaps to be healed. As deeply as I desire your health and healing - and believe in your ability to provide it - I desire even more an abundance of your peace and truth (Jer 33:6). (paraphrased from Beth Moore).

Who I am...

Turns out that I have learned throughout my life to define who I am, by what I do and how well I do it. I'm sure there at a lot of people who do this to some extent, but I have recently been told that it is stealing joy and a sense of value from my life.

It honestly never occurred to me that I was creating my sense of self based on my responsibilities and how I take care of things. I guess it was never really a problem until all my "responsibilities" started to be a bit overwhelming. Suddenly there were things that I couldn't handle up to these standards I had created. In the frenzy of disappointment, rather than understand that I probably need help in the areas I feel like I am falling short, I guess I started compensating by doing more...how that makes any sense, I don't know...I guess I just became accustomed to "doing". Apparently as I continue to fall short, I just do more to try and hold on to (or possibly find) my identity. When I do something and I do it well, I find my value and identity in that.

I have found that this has grown to the point of feeling lost and a little bit sad when there is nothing for me to do. How weird is that. "Over functioning" was the term that was used to describe me. To the point of missing out, not knowing how to just have fun anymore, how to just "be". This is all somehow tied to my need to be in control. I honestly don't think that my motives are to be "controlling", but rather to feel that I am in control (at least of what I am doing) if that makes any sense. I experienced so much in my early life that was just completely out of control, so now any opportunity I have to create that illusion of control in my own life, I take it. Hence, adding things to my to do list...things I have under control.

So, this pattern of behavior has been going on for quite some time...but I was just recently brought to the true realization of how it is affecting my life and my relationships. Solution? Well, I was told to take things off my plate, stop "parenting" all the people in my life, learn how to just have fun, how to be. Problem is, I'm finding that I have no idea what this looks like, what it means for me. Letting things go seems a bit impossible for me. Not because I simply don't want to, but because they are responsibilities...they are things that have to be done...and the few things I am involved in that could be considered extra curricular, are things I really enjoy! So would that really make sense to give up the things that I actually am finding joy in?

Maybe it is more of a change in mindset. Can I still be involved, but not in control? I don't know. And even now I struggle with the notion that I have to "figure this out", handle it well, get it right...the very thoughts that are keeping me captive in the first place. I have been left with this hollow spot. I feel sometimes like I'm staring at a blank map trying to figure out where to go. Why is it so difficult to just be?

November in Michigan

I have missed writing in a blog. I let myself become so overwhelmed by the networking sites...updating pictures and managing comments...which I love when it comes to staying in touch with people, but for some reason it has taken me away from getting my thoughts out there. I feel like I need a fresh start, so here I am.

Today in Michigan, it was 70 degrees and sunny. We are not accustomed to such mild and down right enjoyable weather this time of year. I took my 16 month old to the park to enjoy the weather and attempt to get some good fall pictures.

I am trying my hand at photography, and in the process learning all the fun things my camera can do. One downside to this is that sometimes the perfect photo moment is lost in the experiment. I really had some great opportunities today, but the settings weren't quite right...so hence the pictures were not the quality I would have preferred. I followed Isaac around for nearly 2 and a half hours. I am coming to realize how difficult it is to photograph a 16 month old. He is always "going". Oh how I long for the days before he could walk when I just propped him up in a chosen location and snapped away to my heart's content.

On any other day, I may have considered this "photo shoot" a failure and packed up my bags (and my child) with a sense of disappointment. Today was different...I don't know if it was the unseasonably good weather, but whatever it was...I left happy. Happy that the sun was shining, that I had more than 2 hours to do absolutely nothing, that I had some fun with my boy, that I learned a few things about my camera and photography in general, and that I still got a handful of decent pictures to archive the entire experience.

So today is a fresh start...for blogging, for photography, and for perspective.

There is a friend...

I'm not sure why, but I have the hardest time comprehending God as my "friend". I find it so difficult at times to really make that connection...When I think of meeting with a friend, I associate it most often with going "somewhere" and doing "something"...sitting and having coffee or spending time doing the things we love. (Can you tell Quality Time is my strongest Love Language?)

It's not that I don't realize I can do all of these things (anything really) WITH Him, I just have the hardest time considering this as an option. Quite honestly, I feel like when I'm doing these social things "with" God, I am doing them alone. For some reason I can't get past the fact that there is no tangible being that I can see and hear. I think God is really trying to teach me about being his friend lately. To get past the "social" aspect of friendship and discover the true meaning. I think he really wants me to find in him all the things that I would find from my dearest closest friend.

To be excited to share my great news with Him, and to call Him first when things get tough. To think of Him first when I have a spare moment and just want to hang out or talk. To find security in knowing that we are inseparable and He is always thinking of me, and making time for me. To feel so special because He would do anything within His power for me and He always gives me the very best things...just exactly what I need. To find peace in being accepted as I am, not having to hide anything or hold anything back. To find pure joy in sharing fun times and laughs with Him, and ultimate comfort in Him sharing my pain and sorrow as if it were His own.

Why wouldn't I want that from Him? I couldn't ask for a better friend. I am so thankful that He is teaching me this and urging me to invest in the best of friendships that I will ever have. To learn more about what friendship really is, so that I can cherish and appreciate the human relationships that He blesses me with in a more realistic way.

Updates

Wow, it has been far too long since I have posted a blog here. I have to admit that I have become much more involved in updating my MySpace account. I hope to keep up with this site a little better now...especially since I have some information to share with all of you.

Since Isaac came along...I have left the corporate working world and become a stay at home mom. I absolutely LOVE every minute of it and I am so thankful to Mike for all his hard work that allows me to stay home with Isaac. We know the Lord has blessed us and we are so greatful He takes care of us the way he does.

During my time at home, I have been able to devote more time to the personal hobbies I love as well. In particular, I have renewed my passion for scrapbooking and recently decided to expand this passion to offer services that will help others preserve their own treasured memories.

I now work from home as a Memory Works Scrapbook Consultant. Memory Works is devoted to the supplies and tools needed to create your own scrapbooks, but in addition I personally offer custom designed digital photobooks. To find out more and to see the Memory Works products visit my website at http://asitetoremember.memory-works.com

To see a photobook that I personally designed, visit my gallery at http://community.shutterfly.com/gallery/post/start.sfly?postId=/gallery/1/post/GMGDBg5aNWTlw2ZgXko0AY

Thank you for allowing me to share this little business venture with you. If you are interested or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at nancy.memory.works@gmail.com. Also, please feel free to pass this information along to anyone you know who may be interested.