Story Time

In my quest to understand more about myself and my ways of life, I have responded to the suggestion to take some time for "myself". Every day (at least nearly every day) for the past few weeks as I put Isaac down for his nap, I brew come coffee...grab my warmest blanket...head to our living room, and open up a book.

It has been fun venturing into the living room. We rarely spend any time here...it is our "nice" room, with nice furniture and fixtures...where the kids and dogs are not allowed. There is no TV here, no phone, and generally...no computer (although today I have made an exception to share about this experience with you). There are two big windows that give me a glimpse into the outdoors and whatever beauty is taking place for that day. Some days the warm sun is glowing and lately the refreshing snow flakes have been falling...as hard as it is to appreciate the driving hazards, layers of clothing, and sore muscles from shoveling...it is hard to deny its beauty.


It is the perfect place in our house for a little peace and quiet. I have never been much of a reader, so it is very easy for me to be distracted. Here, I find that I don't have as much difficulty keeping focused. It is comfortable and inviting. The book I am reading is the Bible. I have been doing a bible study on the life of Jesus, and it sparked my interest in the gospels. I will admit that at first, this felt like more of a task...another thing on my "to do" list that I could check off and feel accomplished about. But as I read and learned, a desire started to spark and this time began to feel more like a rest or refuge. When my assigned reading was finished, I wanted more...I didn't want to just check that off for the day and go on my way...

So into the gospels I went. As Jesus entered the teaching phase of his life, he told so many stories. I have just recently started reading "The Message" translation, which uses language that adds even more to the element of "story time". I feel like a kid again, wrapped up in a blanket, listening to stories about great people and marvelous adventures. I have easily spent several hours here, brought back to reality by my son awaking from his nap. In the past I would've felt irritated that I had done "nothing" during Isaac's nap...my one chance to get things done around the house without having to worry about keeping an eye on him...but lately, I don't mind at all. I value this time so much, and when it is over I feel refreshed and happy.

Best of all, I am learning. I have been a Christian for most of my life, but I feel like I have so much to learn about God. I love this study I'm doing, and following the gospels...getting glimpses into WHO God really is and what that means for my life. He has so much compassion for us, but above that He has a plan. An eternal plan for a kingdom, that is His number one priority. There is much about His plan that is difficult to understand, but as I learn more about who He is...I know that He can be trusted. I know that He has a purpose for every decision He makes...one that for whatever reason, works for His eternal plan. I am convinced that Christ CAN do anything, but I know that He chooses what He will and will not do. My place is to seek His purposes in everything. Wanting more for His work and His will being done through my life than I want for my hardships and handicaps to be healed. As deeply as I desire your health and healing - and believe in your ability to provide it - I desire even more an abundance of your peace and truth (Jer 33:6). (paraphrased from Beth Moore).

Who I am...

Turns out that I have learned throughout my life to define who I am, by what I do and how well I do it. I'm sure there at a lot of people who do this to some extent, but I have recently been told that it is stealing joy and a sense of value from my life.

It honestly never occurred to me that I was creating my sense of self based on my responsibilities and how I take care of things. I guess it was never really a problem until all my "responsibilities" started to be a bit overwhelming. Suddenly there were things that I couldn't handle up to these standards I had created. In the frenzy of disappointment, rather than understand that I probably need help in the areas I feel like I am falling short, I guess I started compensating by doing more...how that makes any sense, I don't know...I guess I just became accustomed to "doing". Apparently as I continue to fall short, I just do more to try and hold on to (or possibly find) my identity. When I do something and I do it well, I find my value and identity in that.

I have found that this has grown to the point of feeling lost and a little bit sad when there is nothing for me to do. How weird is that. "Over functioning" was the term that was used to describe me. To the point of missing out, not knowing how to just have fun anymore, how to just "be". This is all somehow tied to my need to be in control. I honestly don't think that my motives are to be "controlling", but rather to feel that I am in control (at least of what I am doing) if that makes any sense. I experienced so much in my early life that was just completely out of control, so now any opportunity I have to create that illusion of control in my own life, I take it. Hence, adding things to my to do list...things I have under control.

So, this pattern of behavior has been going on for quite some time...but I was just recently brought to the true realization of how it is affecting my life and my relationships. Solution? Well, I was told to take things off my plate, stop "parenting" all the people in my life, learn how to just have fun, how to be. Problem is, I'm finding that I have no idea what this looks like, what it means for me. Letting things go seems a bit impossible for me. Not because I simply don't want to, but because they are responsibilities...they are things that have to be done...and the few things I am involved in that could be considered extra curricular, are things I really enjoy! So would that really make sense to give up the things that I actually am finding joy in?

Maybe it is more of a change in mindset. Can I still be involved, but not in control? I don't know. And even now I struggle with the notion that I have to "figure this out", handle it well, get it right...the very thoughts that are keeping me captive in the first place. I have been left with this hollow spot. I feel sometimes like I'm staring at a blank map trying to figure out where to go. Why is it so difficult to just be?

November in Michigan

I have missed writing in a blog. I let myself become so overwhelmed by the networking sites...updating pictures and managing comments...which I love when it comes to staying in touch with people, but for some reason it has taken me away from getting my thoughts out there. I feel like I need a fresh start, so here I am.

Today in Michigan, it was 70 degrees and sunny. We are not accustomed to such mild and down right enjoyable weather this time of year. I took my 16 month old to the park to enjoy the weather and attempt to get some good fall pictures.

I am trying my hand at photography, and in the process learning all the fun things my camera can do. One downside to this is that sometimes the perfect photo moment is lost in the experiment. I really had some great opportunities today, but the settings weren't quite right...so hence the pictures were not the quality I would have preferred. I followed Isaac around for nearly 2 and a half hours. I am coming to realize how difficult it is to photograph a 16 month old. He is always "going". Oh how I long for the days before he could walk when I just propped him up in a chosen location and snapped away to my heart's content.

On any other day, I may have considered this "photo shoot" a failure and packed up my bags (and my child) with a sense of disappointment. Today was different...I don't know if it was the unseasonably good weather, but whatever it was...I left happy. Happy that the sun was shining, that I had more than 2 hours to do absolutely nothing, that I had some fun with my boy, that I learned a few things about my camera and photography in general, and that I still got a handful of decent pictures to archive the entire experience.

So today is a fresh start...for blogging, for photography, and for perspective.