I have an older brother. His name is Michael. He is 36 years old and he is Autistic. He does not have the ability to express himself very well. He can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. He basically keeps to himself, but he has his moments. Some moments are good....some are bad...just like anyone I guess, only he can't communicate what it is...so it's a guessing game really.
Growing up, we didn't get a long very well. It is hard for a young kid to understand why her older brother does not act the way everyone else does. Why he gets special treatment and basically gets to do anything he wants to. And gets away with it! Why she is expected to be more tolerant and mature even though she is 6 years younger. So, I wasn't always very nice to him and I was always trying to get him in trouble. I thought if I had consequences...so should he. I just didn't get it.
I won't bore you with the details...It wasn't like I had a horrible childhood or anything. I'm sure most of our disagreements were normal sibling stuff, but it was hard to adjust to having to deal with them all as the older sibling when I wasn't.
Once I got married and moved out we got along much better. He still didn't communicate with me...he just wasn't bothered by me anymore! And he obviously didn't bother me. Then my dad passed away, and this was the true test of a strained relationship. Since my mom is physically disabled (quadripelegic), I became the "head of the house" so to speak. I was responsible for "getting things done" and my brother began to look up to me this way. I have to take him to all his appointments, do his banking, etc...things my dad used to do. I certainly thought he wouldn't adjust well to this...but he really didn't seem to mind. And, he was actually pretty nice to me through it all.
We all tend to underestimate Michael. He really adjusted much better than we expected him to. Generally, autistic kids need a lot of order and routine. Not only had his dad (and the one he probably liked best in the family) died, but now he had to move out of his house and take over some of the things he could do to help my mom. He had to start taking a bus to work, and he had to look up to his younger sister for almost all his needs. We thought he would basically fall apart, but really he seemed to tolerate it all quite well, and things just kinda fell into place. We honestly thought he really didn't care.
Until recently. One of my brother's biggest struggles is his weight. It would be hard enough to help him if he had the comprehension of a normal 36 year old adult, but he just doesn't understand what his eating habits are doing to him. We've tried just about everything we can think of, but he always comes up with a way to get more food (and the most unhealthy food at that!). It honestly frustrates me so badly. Sometimes I just get mad, I wan't to force him to understand, but I can't! Most recently he resorted to stealing money! This sparked a conversation that none of us expected.
He became very upset and started breaking things in the house. At first he didn't say anything, we just assumed it was one of his tantrums because he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! But then he started saying "Why isn't Jerry here? Jerry should be here!" repeatedly. (Jerry was my dad).
I guess I just assumed, since he couldn't communicate his feelings...that he didn't really have any (obviously I know this isn't true...but outta sight, outta mind kinda thing I guess). I never would've put together that his overeating could have been linked to his feelings over missing my dad. And maybe some of it from the fact that he wants to express these feelings, but honestly can't. This was one of the few times I actually remember feeling saddened for him instead of angered by him. I still wanted to help him understand, but different things and for different reasons. I don't know if I can help him, but it definitely changed my heart toward him.
My dad was so good at all this. He had more patience and compassion than anyone I know. Perhaps that is what Michael misses the most. *tears*. I have no idea how my dad did all he did with such a pure servants heart. I have done a pretty miserable job living up to that. I don't know why God took him, and most days I sure can't figure out why God thought I would be able to fill in for him. I just God will help me find a way to deal with Michael more compassionately, and help him understand the things he (and we) can't.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Conversation
A conversation between me and God. (paraphrased by me as written by Karon Phillips Goodman in "You're late again Lord").
God: "Let me guess, you are frustrated with waiting on me, aren't you?"
Me: "Well, yes...sometimes I feel like I am waiting for your answers and they won't come. I'm waiting for things to happen, for plans to work out...it feels like the more I go forward, the more I fall back."
God: "You aren't trusting me to lead you where you need to go."
Me: "I'm trying to...I want to...but I feel like I'm not going anywhere."
God: "That's because you are focused on the destination, instead of the journey."
Me: "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this journey. I long for the destination! I am constantly threatened by doubt in the trenches, in the fear, in the uncertainty that surrounds me while I wait for your blessings."
God: "You don't have to wait for my blessings! You will find many of them on the journey. Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. (Jer 33:3)"
Me: "I don't want to miss your blessings, Lord. What do I need to do?"
God: "Overcome your doubt with faith! You do not understand the best way to reach the destination. I go out before you, you can trust me...because you know my voice (John 10:4). Don't assume that I will lead you to YOUR destination. Only I know which destination is best and I will direct you there (Prov 16:9). You must walk worthy of me, fully pleasing me, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of me (Col 1:10).
Me: "Forgive my doubt Lord. I want to focus on the journey and not the destination. Help me!"
God: "Dear one. I love you and have already given you all you need. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom 12:12). I will do more than you could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).
God: "Let me guess, you are frustrated with waiting on me, aren't you?"
Me: "Well, yes...sometimes I feel like I am waiting for your answers and they won't come. I'm waiting for things to happen, for plans to work out...it feels like the more I go forward, the more I fall back."
God: "You aren't trusting me to lead you where you need to go."
Me: "I'm trying to...I want to...but I feel like I'm not going anywhere."
God: "That's because you are focused on the destination, instead of the journey."
Me: "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this journey. I long for the destination! I am constantly threatened by doubt in the trenches, in the fear, in the uncertainty that surrounds me while I wait for your blessings."
God: "You don't have to wait for my blessings! You will find many of them on the journey. Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. (Jer 33:3)"
Me: "I don't want to miss your blessings, Lord. What do I need to do?"
God: "Overcome your doubt with faith! You do not understand the best way to reach the destination. I go out before you, you can trust me...because you know my voice (John 10:4). Don't assume that I will lead you to YOUR destination. Only I know which destination is best and I will direct you there (Prov 16:9). You must walk worthy of me, fully pleasing me, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of me (Col 1:10).
Me: "Forgive my doubt Lord. I want to focus on the journey and not the destination. Help me!"
God: "Dear one. I love you and have already given you all you need. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom 12:12). I will do more than you could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Homesick
A few days ago my friend Carrie wrote about living away from her family. It touched my heart. She talked about the dream of them all being able to live close to eachother again someday. Selfishly, I immediately thought..."don't move away! I'd miss you!".
I have never lived away from my family. I was born in Michigan where all my extended family is (with the exception of 2 aunts and uncles). I lived in the same house for 25 years and then I got married and stayed close by. My husband's family is all here in Michigan too! I never even went away to college. Then last year I actually moved back into the house I grew up in! Talk about a home body.
I thought that I really couldn't relate to how Carrie was feeling, until I remembered my best friend Jamie who moved away to S.C. for her husband's job. She continually shares the heartache of being away from her family and her friends. She is more like a sister to me, so it was like part of my family moving away. I miss her every day and I wish so much for her to live close to us again one day and be a more present part of my life again. I began to think about all the people in Carrie's life who are feeling the same way...wishing she were "home" again and close by. So, I guess I had a better understanding then I thought I did. I began to pray for all my friends away from their families...that God would bless them and have them in a place that is best for them.
I know that God has huge blessings in store for Jamie. He brought them to S.C. for a reason, and I know that God will bless their faithfulness and obedience. Thankfully, our friendship has not suffered. She is still my dearest and closest friend. So, I still hope that one day she'll be home, but I know that God will do what is best for her...and that is what I really want for her. I love you Jamie!
On a different note, I've discovered that I can also relate to my friends away from their loved ones through the loss of my father. Since he passed away 2 years ago, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about him and wished I could just "hang" with him again. Many days I wish I had done more while he was here.
It sounds like the "christian" thing to say, but I can assure you it is true...My dad is in a much better place. This is what God determined was best for him. Just like when He leads people to different places or new opportunities here on earth. Like those who move away, you do have some excitement for the new opportunities that await them (I know my dad is living it up in Heaven! He finally has a chance to relax and enjoy himself and not be burdened by this world and all the responsibilites that he faithfully and humbly carried day by day. He's finally getting the reward in heaven that he worked so hard for here on earth.), but the selfish side of your heart wants them close again. But, whatever the circumstance is...there is a place deep in our hearts that really wants God's best for those we love.
So, don't take your relationships for granted. Treasure each and every moment, whether it's sitting together in the same room, talking over the phone, or sharing through email. Let each and every moment together fill up your heart. Then, when the time comes that you cannot be together on this earth, your heart will still hold a piece of them. Trust that God is doing what is best for you and your loved ones. Let Him fill the void of loved ones lost.
I have never lived away from my family. I was born in Michigan where all my extended family is (with the exception of 2 aunts and uncles). I lived in the same house for 25 years and then I got married and stayed close by. My husband's family is all here in Michigan too! I never even went away to college. Then last year I actually moved back into the house I grew up in! Talk about a home body.
I thought that I really couldn't relate to how Carrie was feeling, until I remembered my best friend Jamie who moved away to S.C. for her husband's job. She continually shares the heartache of being away from her family and her friends. She is more like a sister to me, so it was like part of my family moving away. I miss her every day and I wish so much for her to live close to us again one day and be a more present part of my life again. I began to think about all the people in Carrie's life who are feeling the same way...wishing she were "home" again and close by. So, I guess I had a better understanding then I thought I did. I began to pray for all my friends away from their families...that God would bless them and have them in a place that is best for them.
I know that God has huge blessings in store for Jamie. He brought them to S.C. for a reason, and I know that God will bless their faithfulness and obedience. Thankfully, our friendship has not suffered. She is still my dearest and closest friend. So, I still hope that one day she'll be home, but I know that God will do what is best for her...and that is what I really want for her. I love you Jamie!
On a different note, I've discovered that I can also relate to my friends away from their loved ones through the loss of my father. Since he passed away 2 years ago, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about him and wished I could just "hang" with him again. Many days I wish I had done more while he was here.
It sounds like the "christian" thing to say, but I can assure you it is true...My dad is in a much better place. This is what God determined was best for him. Just like when He leads people to different places or new opportunities here on earth. Like those who move away, you do have some excitement for the new opportunities that await them (I know my dad is living it up in Heaven! He finally has a chance to relax and enjoy himself and not be burdened by this world and all the responsibilites that he faithfully and humbly carried day by day. He's finally getting the reward in heaven that he worked so hard for here on earth.), but the selfish side of your heart wants them close again. But, whatever the circumstance is...there is a place deep in our hearts that really wants God's best for those we love.
So, don't take your relationships for granted. Treasure each and every moment, whether it's sitting together in the same room, talking over the phone, or sharing through email. Let each and every moment together fill up your heart. Then, when the time comes that you cannot be together on this earth, your heart will still hold a piece of them. Trust that God is doing what is best for you and your loved ones. Let Him fill the void of loved ones lost.
Miscellaneous updates
I have a trainer coming to the house today to help me with Bailey. He is getting an "evaluation". I'm not quite sure what this will involve, but I'm hoping it will help shed some light on his less than desireable behavior. I'm a little nervous, maybe like a parent when their child is going in for a test or a performance or something. I'm sure as soon as the trainer shows up, Bailey will be on his best behavior. He can sense things like that. It would be just like him to pull the wool over this guys eyes long enough to get my money and get out the door. Then the shenanigans continue.
Bruin just stopped his steriods 4 days ago and already the rash on his face looks like it's just waiting to come back with a vengence. He has to be off steroids until the end of October and then they will do a biopsy to see if he has Lupus. I just can't believe my precious, sweet, little doggie could have Lupus?!?! Poor baby. Once they confirm or deny...we have to proceed with some kind of treatment plan...decisions, decisions....
Looking forward to this weekend. It will be very busy, but fun! I'm going to a baby shower for Mike's cousin. I love to see family...it will be a nice time. Then I am singing special music for the services this weekend. Always an honor, a blessing, and always SO much FUN. I'll be sitting at the piano again which always adds an element of excitement (and nervousness! for me anyway). Then I will be heading off to another baby shower for a good friend from college. She is one of those friends that you wish you could spend more time with, but the time you do have is so very special. Each time we just pick up right where we left off, as if no time has passed. It may be months since I've seen her, or weeks since we've talked but there are no hurt feelings or unrealistic expectations. Just pure enjoyment of what our relationship is. I miss her so much and think of her often and though she can't be a more present part of my life, she is such an important and treasured part of it.
I was so blessed at the New Life Service at Northridge last night. I am going to have to write a separate blog about that! Just let me say if you have never heard Harvey Carey speak, you need to. Very inspiring and motivating. Worship was spectacular, and Kristi lead us with a passion that I admire so much. She blessed me so much. Love you KK!
These are the moments worth living for. The days when God shines the light into the valley that you have been wandering through. The light that shows the gorgeous mountains and green pastures waiting for you on the other side. The moment you realize that you are not going to take up residence in the valley because you are not staying there! You are moving on and God's favor is on you, making His will possible and bringing blessings to His people. (Thank you Harvey for those words from God...more to come on that!)
Bruin just stopped his steriods 4 days ago and already the rash on his face looks like it's just waiting to come back with a vengence. He has to be off steroids until the end of October and then they will do a biopsy to see if he has Lupus. I just can't believe my precious, sweet, little doggie could have Lupus?!?! Poor baby. Once they confirm or deny...we have to proceed with some kind of treatment plan...decisions, decisions....
Looking forward to this weekend. It will be very busy, but fun! I'm going to a baby shower for Mike's cousin. I love to see family...it will be a nice time. Then I am singing special music for the services this weekend. Always an honor, a blessing, and always SO much FUN. I'll be sitting at the piano again which always adds an element of excitement (and nervousness! for me anyway). Then I will be heading off to another baby shower for a good friend from college. She is one of those friends that you wish you could spend more time with, but the time you do have is so very special. Each time we just pick up right where we left off, as if no time has passed. It may be months since I've seen her, or weeks since we've talked but there are no hurt feelings or unrealistic expectations. Just pure enjoyment of what our relationship is. I miss her so much and think of her often and though she can't be a more present part of my life, she is such an important and treasured part of it.
I was so blessed at the New Life Service at Northridge last night. I am going to have to write a separate blog about that! Just let me say if you have never heard Harvey Carey speak, you need to. Very inspiring and motivating. Worship was spectacular, and Kristi lead us with a passion that I admire so much. She blessed me so much. Love you KK!
These are the moments worth living for. The days when God shines the light into the valley that you have been wandering through. The light that shows the gorgeous mountains and green pastures waiting for you on the other side. The moment you realize that you are not going to take up residence in the valley because you are not staying there! You are moving on and God's favor is on you, making His will possible and bringing blessings to His people. (Thank you Harvey for those words from God...more to come on that!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
