Victory

In service last night we were challenged to think on the things in this world that have broken our hearts...the heart that God originally created to be "Like His". So often I'm left feeling like things are completely out of control and I have to figure everything out. I, (like all of us) have been disappointed in life which has led to a lack of trust, and a selfishness in my desperate attempts to take care of myself. I've faced fears of rejection and inadequacy that has led to even more selfishness and a desperate striving for approval. I have experienced failures in life that had led to a hopeless feeling that things cannot change for me. These are just a few...I'm sure there are more.

Then in my daily devotional for today I ran across Ps 21:1 - 2. How exciting to know that I can rejoice in the strength that the Lord gives and have great joy in the victories that He provides! Father please grant my desire to be free from the strongholds in my life. Do not withhold this request from my lips.

When I am feeling like I can't battle this stronghold (whatever it is...) This can be my prayer:

O Lord, I rejoice in your strength. How great is my joy in the victories you give!
You have granted me the desire of my heart and have not withheld the request of my lips.
You welcomed me with rich blessing and placed a crown of pure gold on my head.
I asked you for life, and you gave it to me - length of day for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, my glory is great; you have bestowed on me splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted me eternal blessings and made me glad with the joy of your presence.
For I trust in the Lord; through the unfailing love of the Most High I will not be shaken.
Be exalted, O Lord, in your strength; I will sing and praise your might.
Adapted from Psalm 21: 1- 7, 13.

On the Move

I am pretty sure (as sure as I can be for a first time pregnancy) that I am feeling the baby moving around. It feels kinda like when your muscle has an involuntary "twitch". I wish I could know for sure, but I am just going to pretend that is what it is and be excited about it! :)

My back and hips are starting to ache from time to time. If I don't change positions frequently it gets worse. I have been trying to get up and move around. Thanks to Mike and Stewart, my treadmill is back in the house and I have been walking almost every day since (only missed one). I am a little hesitant because it seems impossible to keep my heart rate under 140bpm (which is what the standard is, I guess) but I don't feel like I am overdoing it at all. It feels good to be somewhat active again...so I'm just gonna stick with it and make sure I take it easy if I have any signs of discomfort.

I have also been able to get a few more things done around the house. I have learned to do little bits at a time and take short rests in between. It seems to be working well and it makes me feel so much better physically and mentally. I have decided to spend some of my resting time reading and praying rather than just sitting in front of the T.V. which is also making me feel 10 times more productive and much less like a slug.

Only 5 days (counting today) until my Ultrasound!!!

My Cross

Matthew 10: 37 - 39
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

This verse just has me thinking about so many things today. It seems like everyone is so consumed with their "rights" and what is "fair" (myself included), and very few are actually willing to "lose" their lives as this verse advises.

It frustrates me sometimes that I can so easily fall into a sense of hopelessness and despair when life takes a turn that I wasn't expecting. As if I have the right to orchestrate what should happen and how things should turn out. Isn't life itself a gift that I should be thankful for? Why do I always assume that I have control over it and would even do a decent job at planning a fruitful and happy outcome?

This is a warning against that very state of mind. My only priority should be taking up my cross and following Him. He takes care of all the rest. Taking up your cross...what does that really mean? To me it means that I need to submit. Submit to whatever it is that God has called me to do. Is this always going to be within my "rights" or will it always qualify as something that is "fair"? I would think not, but God isn't calling me to live a life that I want, full of my own plans and expectations...but to "lose" that life and submit to Him, follow Him, give complete control to Him. What He promises to those who do...that we will find LIFE.

So, as I sit around frustrated and upset about my lot in life...trying to control the things that seem to be "unfair" or outside my expectations...I hope I can remember that my only focus should be to follow Christ. To pick up my cross and through Him find the LIFE that I am so desperate for. Carrying that cross with Him has to be easier than trying to figure this all out on my own.

Milestones

Well my appointment yesterday went really well. I was relieved to hear a good strong heart beat again. 153 bpm. I was a little worried that being so sick could've been hard on the baby, but everything seems to be going okay so far.

First milestone...we scheduled my ultrasound appointment. It will be Monday, Jan 29th at 11:00am. Hopefully, if all goes well and the little one cooperates...we will find out if we are having a boy or a girl!

Second milestone...I've gained 8 pounds. Of course I know it is what I need to do, and I have a long way to go with many more pounds to put on, but I'm not going to pretend to be overly excited about it.

Third milestone...I wore my first pair of maternity pants today! I still have a few pairs of my regular jeans/pants that I can fit into...but some of them I can't button anymore and that is just becoming a hassle. So, I guess I've hit that "in between" phase. My normal clothes are getting uncomfortable and maternity clothes are still a little too big...but comfortable...so I'm gonna go with it! There is a maternity and children's resale shop down the street from my work. I bought a few things yesterday and a few other things online. My friend Stacy has given me some things too! Thank heavens for that. I hate to spend a lot of money on maternity stuff, but hopefully I will get to wear it again...at least once.

I just realized after my blog yesterday, that I have some things for my journal right here in my blog! Updating all of you has actually kept me more on track than I thought. So...more to come!!!

Good Intentions

I have all these goals, hopes, plans, dreams etc...

Some are big and some are simple, but right now they are all lost in the world of good intentions. I have felt like such a slug lately. I have not done anything but lay on the couch and wash a few dishes and clothes every now and then (not nearly as much as I should be). I guess I could give myself a little slack since I am making a baby here and I managed to survive the 1st trimester not to mention one of the worst viruses I have ever encountered...but none the less...this is not like me. It is just weird to not be "doing", "accomplishing", or "crossing things off the list".

I dreamed of the days I would be pregnant for so long...I thought I would have so much to say and do. I wanted to journal the entire experience, scrapbook every moment, research every child rearing related topic I could...and yet here I am 2 journals (virtually empty), a handful of belly pics on the computer (not any worth scrapbooking), and my mother doing research on childhood vaccinations for me.

I know there is still time...I mean, the baby won't be here until late June and once we find out what it is...I'm sure we'll have lots of planning & shopping etc...to be involved in...but I just feel like there is not enough time to do everything I wanted to do. I have already lost 3 months of this experience! If I continue like this I'll never be "ready" for this kid.
I hope that 2nd trimester energy I've heard about kicks in soon!!!

Mending

Well, I think I am finally on the mend from this horrible virus I caught. It seems like it really got a lot of people this time around. Maybe we'll find out what we all had was actually the plague of 2006.

Shortly after my last post, my cough got much worse. I was up all night, for many nights in a row coughing uncontrollably. Just to make matters worse, I ended up pulling a muscle in between my ribs during one of my cough attacks. Nice. So now on top of congestion, screaming facial pain, a cough that won't quit, and a fever...I had added excruciating pain whenever I would breathe, cough, sneeze or laugh (although I wasn't doing much laughing at the time).

It turns out I did end up with a sinus infection, so I finally got some antibiotics that helped me kick this nastiness. My main problem now is this pulled muscle between my ribs. My congestion has broken up, but unfortunately that causes me to cough quite a bit (not nearly as much, thank heavens) and that is still quite painful for me.

Mike was lucky enough to catch the plague from me, so he is recovering now as well. We both still felt pretty bad on New Years Eve, so we decided to stay home. It was actually kinda nice. We had a chance to just sit on the couch together and talk for hours. We don't do that often enough. I expected to be asleep by 9pm, but we talked so long we got to see the ball drop! Even though we didn't feel so hot, I'm really glad we got to spend this time together. Hopefully we'll make a point to do this more often.

At least now I can see light at the end of this tunnel. I have felt a little better each day for the last few days. I am getting better sleep and I'm sure my sore, beaten up body will recover fairly soon. I have been a little worried about the baby through all of this. It was just such an ordeal for my body...I can't imagine what the little bean went through. I have an appointment next week...hopefully everything will be okay.

I hope you all are doing well...take your vitamins and wash your hands!!!

Glowing?

I have this friend who always describes his pregnant wife as "glowing".

Glowing? Not me! So far pregnancy has not been my most enjoyable time. All day sickness & crazy emotional rollercoaster rides... Please don't get me wrong...I am SO thankful and I don't take this for granted for one moment. It's just the actual pregnancy part has been kinda hard on me. Now I am really sick...caught one of the worst colds I have ever had (not adding that for drama here...I'm serious...I don't remember ever having a cold this bad).

The only thing "glowing" about me right now is the junk that has built up in my sinuses, screaming to get out. My face hurts so bad...even my teeth! I would venture to guess that my face begins to "glow" when I start one of my coughing fits and my throat is at least twice its normal size. Anytime I try to sleep the coughing gets worse and keeps me up all night. Seriously, I checked the clock every hour.

I went to the doc yesterday, certian that I had sinusitis or bronchitis or pneumonia or something worse than a cold. But I don't. That is the good news. The bad news is, since it is just a cold all I can do is wait it out. I can't even take anything for it (because I'm pregnant) but tylenol (might as well eat candy). So forgive me for my inactivity on email, blogs, texts etc...I'm probably laying on the couch trying to sleep.

Memories

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to encounter involves an over emotional pregnant woman with a keyboard and time to write a novel.

I absolutely LOVE Christmas music. I generally listen to it from Thanksgiving till New Years...all day, every day! Lately, I have been experiencing this unofficial tradition from a new perspective. Some of these songs are really taking me back and giving me a new appreciation for the memories I have in my life. One such song starts as follows:

So this is Christmas...and what have you done?
Another year over...and a new one just begun.
So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun.
The near and the dear ones...the old and the young.

Each time I listen to this song...I tear up. Mostly because I am pretty much and emotional wreck right now...but also because it poses some very deep thoughts for me. So this is Christmas...and what have you done? What have I done? Sometimes, it doesn't feel like I have done much at all. I often feel like I have taken so many things for granted and stumbled through so many things I could've done better. Then there are the things I didn't even do...plenty of opportunity...but no action. And now...Another year over...you can't take back the time you've wasted or re-do the things you've messed up. Time is going SO quickly...they all tell you this when you are a carefree adolescent without a care in the world...and you never believe them...until it happens!

A new one just begun...This is a hopeful statement...I begin to think about the things there is still time to do. Everything that lies ahead of me. Things that maybe I can make right. Unfortunately, sometimes the weight of tremendous responsibility gets the best of me and I start to freak out a little. We're going to be responsible for another life! This totally overwhelms me at times...I feel like there is NO possible way that I can succeed in this task. (Thankfully, I can count on God to help me through this one)

So this is Christmas...I hope you have fun...This is when the memories begin. We DO have fun at Christmas! I spend time with family and friends that I don't get to see very often and I really do enjoy it so much. Something about this year makes me a little sad though. I guess I'm sad for the one's who aren't here anymore. When I see old home movies of people who are now senior citizens or who have already passed away at a time when they were my age (they don't even have to be people I know!)...I just can't help but think of how soon this time will be gone. Of all the unexpected things that lie ahead. How none of them were thinking about cancer or heart failure at the time...and then one day...they were forced to. I wonder when a day like that will come in our lives...and how we will handle it.

The near and the dear ones...the old and the young...But I do have mostly good memories. Particularly of my Dad. I have been thinking about him a lot lately...for no particular reason...probably the pregnancy and the inevitable memory rollercoaster associated with the Holidays. Sometimes, I feel like I can't possibly remember every great thing about him. It's like I need to write down every little thing I think about for fear of forgetting and not being able to pass on his legacy. This is important to me. With a child on the way...I want him or her to know everything about their grandpa...but how? How can I possibly convey all the great things that were my Dad? All the little things...the daily things...the special things...

Well...okay...so, how is that for an uplifting Holiday message!? I'm really not such a downer all the time...in fact, more often than not I'm thinking on the good things...the fun things...and trying not to let myself become so overwhelmed. I've also stopped listening to that song quite so much. The Holidays will be good for us, filled with family, friends, laughter and joy...And I guess it is not a bad thing to think about these things from time to time...I guess sometimes it's these things that motivate us to make a change or start a tradition. Most importantly...to remember our blessings...and not take things for granted.

Overzealous

First of all...is that right? Is overzealous one word or two? Oh well...this blog is not about my grammar or spelling abilities (thank heavens).

Turns out I got a little too excited too soon about the decrease in my nausea. This morning is brutal. I woke up trying very hard not to gag at the slightest little thing...dishes in the sink, making coffee (decaf), making oatmeal (very bad choice when your already nauseous by the way...), trying to figure out what I'm gonna have for lunch, taking out the garbage, etc... Even sitting here now recalling the situation has started that familiar and uncomfortable feeling in the back of my throat. (open and insert one raspberry preggy pop!). Okay, I'm going to move on to another topic now.

Seems that these pregnancy hormones have done quite a number on me. I really thought I was doing okay in the mood category...I've never been one to blame my actions on PMS or any other hormonal instability...but this is really just CRAZY. Sometimes I feel like a totally different person. For starters...I have never been terribly emotional. Sad movies and stories often make me tear up a little, but I'm generally really good at keeping my composure. Well, forget that now. Tears are rolling far more frequently than I am used to and it has kinda thrown me off a little. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. One thing is for sure...I am going to have to quit watching Emergency Vets and Baby Story...sure waterworks, every time!

Not only that...but I seem to be having trouble keeping my conversations rational. I mean, I can start out talking about a very good topic...something that needs to be discussed...something that could be resolved calmly and orderly...and by the end of the conversation I am a hopeless mess and I've managed to blow the situation completely out of proportion and made matters about 1000 times worse. I have always had an incredible knack for being over analytical and talking things to DEATH...combine that with these pregnancy hormones and...watch out. My intentions are good...I just want whatever to be resolved so we can move on and live in harmony...but once I get started there is NO resolution or harmony anywhere to be found. Who IS this person?

And talk about over sensitive! I'm constantly making the wrong conclusions or assumptions about other peoples actions. Things that would normally just roll off my back can now become major issues in my mind. I'm a paranoid mess.

Unfortunately, Mike is really the main one getting the brunt of ALL this. Sometimes I think if we manage to get through this without him leaving me, THAT will be the true miracle of pregnancy and childbirth. Pray for him...pray for US. Pray for anyone who comes across my path. Lord help us all.

Decisions, Decisions...

I have another appointment today with my ob. I'm sure some of you have been wondering...we have decided NOT to do any of the screening tests. I wanted to thank everyone for their input and let you all know we have total peace about the decision. So, we are patiently awaiting our 18 - 20 week ultrasound when we will be able to find out what gender our baby is (yes we are finding out...I've waited long enough and don't really like suprises all that much anyway! ) and we'll hopefully see that things are progressing as planned. I don't have a date for it yet, but it will be sometime at the end of Jan or early Feb. I have a feeling we are having a boy...Mike thinks it's a girl. Several friends think girl too...but we have run across a few who think boy. We'll see?!?!?!

The next decision on my mind...vaccinations. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate...THAT is the question. I honestly don't have an opinion just yet...so, Mike and I will start our researching...and we'll see what we come up with. Any info and advice is welcome...when we come to a decision, it will be after much prayerful consideration and trust that God will guide us to do what is best for our family.

Morning sickness (or all day sickness as my experience has been) is getting better for me. I managed to get through all 9 GOC concerts and I actually felt pretty good. I really felt like God was giving me the strength and the energy I needed at just the right time. I would wake up feeling absolutely seasick and by the time I stepped on the stage (and with a little help from preggy pops, tums smoothies and peppermint gum...not all at once...) I would be feeling good and ready to sing my heart out. I suffered through a few pretty annoying headaches, but discovered that tylenol actually can get rid of a headache when combined with just a little bit of caffeine (only 1/2 cup of coffee...did the trick).

I'm reading a book by Max Lucado called "The Cure for the Common Life". I haven't gotten too far into it yet, but what I have read so far has been about how God has created a "sweet spot" in our lifes. He's given us just the right talents and abilities to do exactly what He wants us to do. Of course I have heard this concept before...but it was refreshing to read it from a new perspective. Expectant parent. The last couple of years have really felt like a search for me...like I wasn't quite in the right spot...like this wasn't really "IT" for me...like God was preparing me for something more. I really started thinking about my gifts, talents, desires, and dreams...and began to wonder if this could be my sweet spot? Parenthood? Motherhood? Is this what God has created me and gifted me for? It could be...It could be that and even more...but it gave me a new excitement for what is about to happen in our lives and reminded me that I can't even begin to do this without Him. He has blessed us and gifted us just for this purpose and I just can't wait to see what He is going to do in our child's life through us.

Pressure

Okay...I know I'm not making a strong case here, but I'm writing another pregnancy blog.

I had my first appointment yesterday and for the most part it was very helpful and informative. We talked about my appointment schedule, what to expect, what is "normal", she gave me TONS of reading material and some free samples. She also did an exam and another ultrasound (I got to see the heart beat again...very, very, cool). Before I went off to the vampires to give half of my blood away (okay it was only 3 tubes...but it was not the most exciting part of my visit)...she talked with me about certain genetic tests that are available to me.

Mike and I decided early on that we probably wouldn't bother with the genetic testing because we don't have any intention of ending a pregnancy regardless of what we find out in any test. Problem is, my uncle was Down Syndrome and my brother is Autistic...huge RED flags in the medical community. My doctor said that she had to strongly recommend not only the genetic testing but an amniocentesis as well! Now, I love my doctor...don't think for a minute that she is the one I am feeling "pressure" from...not at all. She made it VERY clear that I can decline any and ALL of these tests and it would be perfectly fine. She just has to recommend them based on my family history.

So, it's not that I want to change our decision. I honestly don't think I want these tests, but the problem is...there is so much pressure out there to "do the right thing" not for us, but for the baby. So much of what I am reading is really making me feel irresponsible for even considering not having these tests. The main consensus (in these articles at least) seems to be that even if I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy, it is only in the babies best interest for me to know what I am facing and have the best care lined up if I should find that something could be wrong.

The key word there...something "could" be wrong. Most of these tests are not diagnostic...they just give you a better idea of what my "risks" are for certain disorders. Then based on these tests, they recommend more tests usually more invasive and tests that have their own risks involved. So, is this information I really need to know? Am I really starting out as a bad mother if I choose not to have these tests? Is knowing this information really going to be what it best for my child?

My gut feeling is as it has been all along. God is in control. No amount of testing or preparation is going to change his plan for this child. How much of this is really going to benefit us and how much of it is there just to offer us another way of trying to have our "control" over the situation? I am 99.9% sure we will decline this testing, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...and hear some of yours. Obviously we want to do what is best for our child. Please pray that God will give us wisdom and peace about this decision and many more to come!

Updates

I am not going to assume that you all will continually want to hear about my pregnancy and morning sickness and so on...for an entire 9 months...so I promise that all of my blogs will not be about that, but I thought I should update since my last post.

After sharing my unpreparedness for the first trimester of pregnancy, I was reminded of all the great friends that God has placed in my life and why I love them so much! So many of you shared sympathy and tips to help me and I just wanted to say thanks! Many of your suggestions worked wonders for me. (Specifically the sour candies from Baby's R Us....Thank you Rita for asking Ashley for help!!! Thank her for me too!). You are all so great!

Stacy came over one day to help me get some things done around the house. I have to admit...my pride did not want to let her come see all my dirty dishes and laundry, but she came none the less and helped me tremendously! Thank you so much Stacy! My other friend Stacey (and a few other great friends) is taking such good care of me during the GOC rehersals...making sure I eat and drink water...she's always looking out for me. I just love all of you. Shelly - PB&J...wonderful! Saleena - ice...helped me so much during practice.

So many I didn't mention by name have offered tips and given offers to help around the house...it is just such a blessing. Thank you ALL SO much. I think it may be starting to let up a little bit *knock on wood*...just a few more weeks to go (hopefully!)

One last update unrelated to pregnancy. Awhile back I wrote about my dog Bruin and some crazy reaction he was having to something. For awhile it was really looking like he could have an autoimmune disease. Well, he is not completely out of the woods yet, but the good news is that his rash did not come back! They put him on steroids through the allergy season and said if the rash came back in the fall/winter that was not a good sign. Well he has been off the steroids since the end of Sept and NO rash! Please keep praying for our little guy. If the rash stays away for the entire winter that would be really great news. If and when it comes back we will have to do a biopsy to find out what it really is (allergy or autoimmune).

Unprepared

So, I guess it is a good thing that during my journey through infertility I learned that I have basically little if any control over most things. What I was not prepared for was this experience of having NO control over my body and how I feel. I don't know what I expected...I guess I didn't know what to expect. The first trimester of pregnancy has knocked me off my feet...I am drained! Don't get me wrong...it could be a lot worse...I have heard of women who suffer through much more agonizing sickness than I have yet to experience (and pray daily that I won't go there). I just didn't realize that I would have NO control over my energy, my hunger, my moods etc...

So far this week I have come home every day after work and collapsed on my couch. Some days I sleep, some days I watch T.V. but I have yet to get anything close to productive done. There is more laundry than any 2 people should ever have piled up in the laundry room and a sink full of dishes. Mail from days ago is left unopened on the counter or the table. The refridgerator is virtually empty, which isn't a huge problem since I really can't eat anything anyway...but poor Mike! He doesn't have to eat crackers and ginger ale. Every time I think "pull yourself together! you should be able to get something done!" I roll over on the couch and forget about it.

No control over what I can eat. That pretty much stinks. Nothing that I am used to eating sounds even remotely good anymore. Before the nausea started getting bad I was actually craving things that I rarely eat (hamburgers, dairy, fast food...weird). Now that I feel nauseous 90% of the time, my diet consists of crackers, grapes, apples, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, yogurt and water...none of which actually sound appetizing, but they have managed to stay down, so I stick with what I know. I always have a supply of peppermint gum and sour candies and I am TERRIFIED that I will toss my cookies in public (which probably makes me feel worse most of the time, so I'm trying to get over that).

At 6 weeks I felt a little yucky and thought "this isn't so bad...I can handle this". Then 7 weeks was a little worse, but I got through. 8 weeks has left me wondering how much worse this is going to get before it gets better? I hope I don't have to miss out on GOC (Glory of Christmas concerts at Northridge), but I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. They say it gets much better by 12 or 13 weeks. I hope so!!

Good News

It has been many months (2 years actually) of waiting, praying, hoping, learning, blogging etc... I've often wondered as I wrote about what God was doing in my life how many of you knew what the focus of my struggle was. I know that several close friends knew and I assumed that many others would figure it out, but that was okay with me. Why didn't I write about it more specifically...I don't really know. I guess it was because for so long it was the total focus of my life and I knew I needed to get my focus back on the right things.

Well, now I can tell you the focus of my struggle and the journey God has had me on for the past two years was one of infertility. Mike and I decided in Sept 2004 that we would like to start a family. Little did we know that the decision was not ours to make. We tried for a year without any intervention and then we started seeing specialists and undergoing treatments. For me treatments consisted of medication. 2 different medications each for 3 months. As we progressed farther in our journey we discussed several options, but decided that for us...medications would be as far as we would go with the treatments. This was a difficult decision to make seeing as the medications weren't working for me. Regardless, when the time came and we were done with the medications we decided to stop fertility treatments even though it seemed that we would not be able to have a child without them.

That must've been the key. 2 months later...I was pregnant. The decision to stop the treatments was more significant than I had thought. It was the first time in this journey that I really allowed God to change my heart. My focus through most of this had been "what can I do to have a baby"..."how can I make this work" etc...but now, by making this decision I realized that I was saying "okay, I understand. there is nothing I can do and I am not going to try and make my desires happen any longer. I am honestly and truly placing this completely in your hands Lord".

There is so much more to the story and the only reason I am sharing this is because now that God has given us the desire of our hearts...I don't want to forget everything He has taught me a long the way. Now that I "have what I want" I don't want to push God aside as if He had nothing to do with it. I want to claim this for what it is...A blessing from God. I don't need Him any less now than I did when I was waiting for Him to answer our prayers.

And I realize that His answers to prayer were there all along. Even if He had decided that children were not in His plan for us...He would still have answered our prayers. God is not good because He has given us a child, He is good because His ways are perfect and He will see us through. This is STILL completely in His hands. His plan for this child starts now and ends when He sees fit. Just as before, we will not force His hand and I do not want MY will for this child...only HIS. These are lessons that I needed to learn and as difficult as it was, I am SO thankful that God brought me through this and had His will in my life. I pray He will continue to do the same on this new journey...PARENTHOOD!!!

So, please pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. We are due June 24, 2007. I look forward to sharing God's blessing with you.

Holding Hands

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the creator of the ends of the earth.

HE will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:28-29

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

And through the rivers,

They shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire,

you shall not be burned.

Isaiah 43:2

The Lord has proven these truths over and over in my life. Yet, each time I face a new unknown, it is like I have forgotten everything! The doubt, fear, & sadness begin but He leads me through it yet again, drawing me closer to Him. I wish I could be continually aware and constantly growing closer to Him. Why is it when one storm has passed, I let go of His hand only to find that I'm frantically grasping for it when the next storm comes through. When I'm not holding on and the storm begins, I get blown and tossed around, tired and weary. When I do eventually take hold of his hand, His power, peace, courage, strength, love, and joy all become mine. What if I never let go? I would have a constant connection to these things and I could avoid the beating I so often endure because I have let go of His hand. He would help me keep a sound mind and face the storms head on from the beginning.

I want to keep hold of His hand. Even when things are calm and no storm is in sight. I want to enjoy the good times with Him. I want to be so close that when the storms come, I don't need to go searching. I am so thankful that He does not grow weary, and He has understanding that no one can fathom. Where would I be without that?

Acting Out

I have an older brother. His name is Michael. He is 36 years old and he is Autistic. He does not have the ability to express himself very well. He can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. He basically keeps to himself, but he has his moments. Some moments are good....some are bad...just like anyone I guess, only he can't communicate what it is...so it's a guessing game really.

Growing up, we didn't get a long very well. It is hard for a young kid to understand why her older brother does not act the way everyone else does. Why he gets special treatment and basically gets to do anything he wants to. And gets away with it! Why she is expected to be more tolerant and mature even though she is 6 years younger. So, I wasn't always very nice to him and I was always trying to get him in trouble. I thought if I had consequences...so should he. I just didn't get it.

I won't bore you with the details...It wasn't like I had a horrible childhood or anything. I'm sure most of our disagreements were normal sibling stuff, but it was hard to adjust to having to deal with them all as the older sibling when I wasn't.

Once I got married and moved out we got along much better. He still didn't communicate with me...he just wasn't bothered by me anymore! And he obviously didn't bother me. Then my dad passed away, and this was the true test of a strained relationship. Since my mom is physically disabled (quadripelegic), I became the "head of the house" so to speak. I was responsible for "getting things done" and my brother began to look up to me this way. I have to take him to all his appointments, do his banking, etc...things my dad used to do. I certainly thought he wouldn't adjust well to this...but he really didn't seem to mind. And, he was actually pretty nice to me through it all.

We all tend to underestimate Michael. He really adjusted much better than we expected him to. Generally, autistic kids need a lot of order and routine. Not only had his dad (and the one he probably liked best in the family) died, but now he had to move out of his house and take over some of the things he could do to help my mom. He had to start taking a bus to work, and he had to look up to his younger sister for almost all his needs. We thought he would basically fall apart, but really he seemed to tolerate it all quite well, and things just kinda fell into place. We honestly thought he really didn't care.

Until recently. One of my brother's biggest struggles is his weight. It would be hard enough to help him if he had the comprehension of a normal 36 year old adult, but he just doesn't understand what his eating habits are doing to him. We've tried just about everything we can think of, but he always comes up with a way to get more food (and the most unhealthy food at that!). It honestly frustrates me so badly. Sometimes I just get mad, I wan't to force him to understand, but I can't! Most recently he resorted to stealing money! This sparked a conversation that none of us expected.

He became very upset and started breaking things in the house. At first he didn't say anything, we just assumed it was one of his tantrums because he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! But then he started saying "Why isn't Jerry here? Jerry should be here!" repeatedly. (Jerry was my dad).

I guess I just assumed, since he couldn't communicate his feelings...that he didn't really have any (obviously I know this isn't true...but outta sight, outta mind kinda thing I guess). I never would've put together that his overeating could have been linked to his feelings over missing my dad. And maybe some of it from the fact that he wants to express these feelings, but honestly can't. This was one of the few times I actually remember feeling saddened for him instead of angered by him. I still wanted to help him understand, but different things and for different reasons. I don't know if I can help him, but it definitely changed my heart toward him.

My dad was so good at all this. He had more patience and compassion than anyone I know. Perhaps that is what Michael misses the most. *tears*. I have no idea how my dad did all he did with such a pure servants heart. I have done a pretty miserable job living up to that. I don't know why God took him, and most days I sure can't figure out why God thought I would be able to fill in for him. I just God will help me find a way to deal with Michael more compassionately, and help him understand the things he (and we) can't.

Conversation

A conversation between me and God. (paraphrased by me as written by Karon Phillips Goodman in "You're late again Lord").

God: "Let me guess, you are frustrated with waiting on me, aren't you?"

Me: "Well, yes...sometimes I feel like I am waiting for your answers and they won't come. I'm waiting for things to happen, for plans to work out...it feels like the more I go forward, the more I fall back."

God: "You aren't trusting me to lead you where you need to go."

Me: "I'm trying to...I want to...but I feel like I'm not going anywhere."

God: "That's because you are focused on the destination, instead of the journey."

Me: "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this journey. I long for the destination! I am constantly threatened by doubt in the trenches, in the fear, in the uncertainty that surrounds me while I wait for your blessings."

God: "You don't have to wait for my blessings! You will find many of them on the journey. Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. (Jer 33:3)"

Me: "I don't want to miss your blessings, Lord. What do I need to do?"

God: "Overcome your doubt with faith! You do not understand the best way to reach the destination. I go out before you, you can trust me...because you know my voice (John 10:4). Don't assume that I will lead you to YOUR destination. Only I know which destination is best and I will direct you there (Prov 16:9). You must walk worthy of me, fully pleasing me, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of me (Col 1:10).

Me: "Forgive my doubt Lord. I want to focus on the journey and not the destination. Help me!"

God: "Dear one. I love you and have already given you all you need. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom 12:12). I will do more than you could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).

Homesick

A few days ago my friend Carrie wrote about living away from her family. It touched my heart. She talked about the dream of them all being able to live close to eachother again someday. Selfishly, I immediately thought..."don't move away! I'd miss you!".

I have never lived away from my family. I was born in Michigan where all my extended family is (with the exception of 2 aunts and uncles). I lived in the same house for 25 years and then I got married and stayed close by. My husband's family is all here in Michigan too! I never even went away to college. Then last year I actually moved back into the house I grew up in! Talk about a home body.

I thought that I really couldn't relate to how Carrie was feeling, until I remembered my best friend Jamie who moved away to S.C. for her husband's job. She continually shares the heartache of being away from her family and her friends. She is more like a sister to me, so it was like part of my family moving away. I miss her every day and I wish so much for her to live close to us again one day and be a more present part of my life again. I began to think about all the people in Carrie's life who are feeling the same way...wishing she were "home" again and close by. So, I guess I had a better understanding then I thought I did. I began to pray for all my friends away from their families...that God would bless them and have them in a place that is best for them.

I know that God has huge blessings in store for Jamie. He brought them to S.C. for a reason, and I know that God will bless their faithfulness and obedience. Thankfully, our friendship has not suffered. She is still my dearest and closest friend. So, I still hope that one day she'll be home, but I know that God will do what is best for her...and that is what I really want for her. I love you Jamie!

On a different note, I've discovered that I can also relate to my friends away from their loved ones through the loss of my father. Since he passed away 2 years ago, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about him and wished I could just "hang" with him again. Many days I wish I had done more while he was here.

It sounds like the "christian" thing to say, but I can assure you it is true...My dad is in a much better place. This is what God determined was best for him. Just like when He leads people to different places or new opportunities here on earth. Like those who move away, you do have some excitement for the new opportunities that await them (I know my dad is living it up in Heaven! He finally has a chance to relax and enjoy himself and not be burdened by this world and all the responsibilites that he faithfully and humbly carried day by day. He's finally getting the reward in heaven that he worked so hard for here on earth.), but the selfish side of your heart wants them close again. But, whatever the circumstance is...there is a place deep in our hearts that really wants God's best for those we love.

So, don't take your relationships for granted. Treasure each and every moment, whether it's sitting together in the same room, talking over the phone, or sharing through email. Let each and every moment together fill up your heart. Then, when the time comes that you cannot be together on this earth, your heart will still hold a piece of them. Trust that God is doing what is best for you and your loved ones. Let Him fill the void of loved ones lost.

Miscellaneous updates

I have a trainer coming to the house today to help me with Bailey. He is getting an "evaluation". I'm not quite sure what this will involve, but I'm hoping it will help shed some light on his less than desireable behavior. I'm a little nervous, maybe like a parent when their child is going in for a test or a performance or something. I'm sure as soon as the trainer shows up, Bailey will be on his best behavior. He can sense things like that. It would be just like him to pull the wool over this guys eyes long enough to get my money and get out the door. Then the shenanigans continue.

Bruin just stopped his steriods 4 days ago and already the rash on his face looks like it's just waiting to come back with a vengence. He has to be off steroids until the end of October and then they will do a biopsy to see if he has Lupus. I just can't believe my precious, sweet, little doggie could have Lupus?!?! Poor baby. Once they confirm or deny...we have to proceed with some kind of treatment plan...decisions, decisions....

Looking forward to this weekend. It will be very busy, but fun! I'm going to a baby shower for Mike's cousin. I love to see family...it will be a nice time. Then I am singing special music for the services this weekend. Always an honor, a blessing, and always SO much FUN. I'll be sitting at the piano again which always adds an element of excitement (and nervousness! for me anyway). Then I will be heading off to another baby shower for a good friend from college. She is one of those friends that you wish you could spend more time with, but the time you do have is so very special. Each time we just pick up right where we left off, as if no time has passed. It may be months since I've seen her, or weeks since we've talked but there are no hurt feelings or unrealistic expectations. Just pure enjoyment of what our relationship is. I miss her so much and think of her often and though she can't be a more present part of my life, she is such an important and treasured part of it.

I was so blessed at the New Life Service at Northridge last night. I am going to have to write a separate blog about that! Just let me say if you have never heard Harvey Carey speak, you need to. Very inspiring and motivating. Worship was spectacular, and Kristi lead us with a passion that I admire so much. She blessed me so much. Love you KK!

These are the moments worth living for. The days when God shines the light into the valley that you have been wandering through. The light that shows the gorgeous mountains and green pastures waiting for you on the other side. The moment you realize that you are not going to take up residence in the valley because you are not staying there! You are moving on and God's favor is on you, making His will possible and bringing blessings to His people. (Thank you Harvey for those words from God...more to come on that!)

Honest

Lyrics by Audrey Assad.

http://www.myspace.com/audreyassadsings

i'm not afraid to be honest with You today
the only thing i'm sure of is You
i never knew about grace
before You called my name
before You touched my face with Your hand

even when i'm falling, confused, and i'm frightened
and my faith is afraid to be real

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You

i'm not alone in this fight, but i still want to run
You are the rock i say i stand on
i never knew about love
before Your healing touch
You always hold that open door

even when i'm angry, i'm hurt, and i'm broken,
won't You help me to fall on my knees?

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You