Acting Out

I have an older brother. His name is Michael. He is 36 years old and he is Autistic. He does not have the ability to express himself very well. He can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. He basically keeps to himself, but he has his moments. Some moments are good....some are bad...just like anyone I guess, only he can't communicate what it is...so it's a guessing game really.

Growing up, we didn't get a long very well. It is hard for a young kid to understand why her older brother does not act the way everyone else does. Why he gets special treatment and basically gets to do anything he wants to. And gets away with it! Why she is expected to be more tolerant and mature even though she is 6 years younger. So, I wasn't always very nice to him and I was always trying to get him in trouble. I thought if I had consequences...so should he. I just didn't get it.

I won't bore you with the details...It wasn't like I had a horrible childhood or anything. I'm sure most of our disagreements were normal sibling stuff, but it was hard to adjust to having to deal with them all as the older sibling when I wasn't.

Once I got married and moved out we got along much better. He still didn't communicate with me...he just wasn't bothered by me anymore! And he obviously didn't bother me. Then my dad passed away, and this was the true test of a strained relationship. Since my mom is physically disabled (quadripelegic), I became the "head of the house" so to speak. I was responsible for "getting things done" and my brother began to look up to me this way. I have to take him to all his appointments, do his banking, etc...things my dad used to do. I certainly thought he wouldn't adjust well to this...but he really didn't seem to mind. And, he was actually pretty nice to me through it all.

We all tend to underestimate Michael. He really adjusted much better than we expected him to. Generally, autistic kids need a lot of order and routine. Not only had his dad (and the one he probably liked best in the family) died, but now he had to move out of his house and take over some of the things he could do to help my mom. He had to start taking a bus to work, and he had to look up to his younger sister for almost all his needs. We thought he would basically fall apart, but really he seemed to tolerate it all quite well, and things just kinda fell into place. We honestly thought he really didn't care.

Until recently. One of my brother's biggest struggles is his weight. It would be hard enough to help him if he had the comprehension of a normal 36 year old adult, but he just doesn't understand what his eating habits are doing to him. We've tried just about everything we can think of, but he always comes up with a way to get more food (and the most unhealthy food at that!). It honestly frustrates me so badly. Sometimes I just get mad, I wan't to force him to understand, but I can't! Most recently he resorted to stealing money! This sparked a conversation that none of us expected.

He became very upset and started breaking things in the house. At first he didn't say anything, we just assumed it was one of his tantrums because he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! But then he started saying "Why isn't Jerry here? Jerry should be here!" repeatedly. (Jerry was my dad).

I guess I just assumed, since he couldn't communicate his feelings...that he didn't really have any (obviously I know this isn't true...but outta sight, outta mind kinda thing I guess). I never would've put together that his overeating could have been linked to his feelings over missing my dad. And maybe some of it from the fact that he wants to express these feelings, but honestly can't. This was one of the few times I actually remember feeling saddened for him instead of angered by him. I still wanted to help him understand, but different things and for different reasons. I don't know if I can help him, but it definitely changed my heart toward him.

My dad was so good at all this. He had more patience and compassion than anyone I know. Perhaps that is what Michael misses the most. *tears*. I have no idea how my dad did all he did with such a pure servants heart. I have done a pretty miserable job living up to that. I don't know why God took him, and most days I sure can't figure out why God thought I would be able to fill in for him. I just God will help me find a way to deal with Michael more compassionately, and help him understand the things he (and we) can't.