Unprepared

So, I guess it is a good thing that during my journey through infertility I learned that I have basically little if any control over most things. What I was not prepared for was this experience of having NO control over my body and how I feel. I don't know what I expected...I guess I didn't know what to expect. The first trimester of pregnancy has knocked me off my feet...I am drained! Don't get me wrong...it could be a lot worse...I have heard of women who suffer through much more agonizing sickness than I have yet to experience (and pray daily that I won't go there). I just didn't realize that I would have NO control over my energy, my hunger, my moods etc...

So far this week I have come home every day after work and collapsed on my couch. Some days I sleep, some days I watch T.V. but I have yet to get anything close to productive done. There is more laundry than any 2 people should ever have piled up in the laundry room and a sink full of dishes. Mail from days ago is left unopened on the counter or the table. The refridgerator is virtually empty, which isn't a huge problem since I really can't eat anything anyway...but poor Mike! He doesn't have to eat crackers and ginger ale. Every time I think "pull yourself together! you should be able to get something done!" I roll over on the couch and forget about it.

No control over what I can eat. That pretty much stinks. Nothing that I am used to eating sounds even remotely good anymore. Before the nausea started getting bad I was actually craving things that I rarely eat (hamburgers, dairy, fast food...weird). Now that I feel nauseous 90% of the time, my diet consists of crackers, grapes, apples, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, yogurt and water...none of which actually sound appetizing, but they have managed to stay down, so I stick with what I know. I always have a supply of peppermint gum and sour candies and I am TERRIFIED that I will toss my cookies in public (which probably makes me feel worse most of the time, so I'm trying to get over that).

At 6 weeks I felt a little yucky and thought "this isn't so bad...I can handle this". Then 7 weeks was a little worse, but I got through. 8 weeks has left me wondering how much worse this is going to get before it gets better? I hope I don't have to miss out on GOC (Glory of Christmas concerts at Northridge), but I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. They say it gets much better by 12 or 13 weeks. I hope so!!