Pressure

Okay...I know I'm not making a strong case here, but I'm writing another pregnancy blog.

I had my first appointment yesterday and for the most part it was very helpful and informative. We talked about my appointment schedule, what to expect, what is "normal", she gave me TONS of reading material and some free samples. She also did an exam and another ultrasound (I got to see the heart beat again...very, very, cool). Before I went off to the vampires to give half of my blood away (okay it was only 3 tubes...but it was not the most exciting part of my visit)...she talked with me about certain genetic tests that are available to me.

Mike and I decided early on that we probably wouldn't bother with the genetic testing because we don't have any intention of ending a pregnancy regardless of what we find out in any test. Problem is, my uncle was Down Syndrome and my brother is Autistic...huge RED flags in the medical community. My doctor said that she had to strongly recommend not only the genetic testing but an amniocentesis as well! Now, I love my doctor...don't think for a minute that she is the one I am feeling "pressure" from...not at all. She made it VERY clear that I can decline any and ALL of these tests and it would be perfectly fine. She just has to recommend them based on my family history.

So, it's not that I want to change our decision. I honestly don't think I want these tests, but the problem is...there is so much pressure out there to "do the right thing" not for us, but for the baby. So much of what I am reading is really making me feel irresponsible for even considering not having these tests. The main consensus (in these articles at least) seems to be that even if I wouldn't terminate a pregnancy, it is only in the babies best interest for me to know what I am facing and have the best care lined up if I should find that something could be wrong.

The key word there...something "could" be wrong. Most of these tests are not diagnostic...they just give you a better idea of what my "risks" are for certain disorders. Then based on these tests, they recommend more tests usually more invasive and tests that have their own risks involved. So, is this information I really need to know? Am I really starting out as a bad mother if I choose not to have these tests? Is knowing this information really going to be what it best for my child?

My gut feeling is as it has been all along. God is in control. No amount of testing or preparation is going to change his plan for this child. How much of this is really going to benefit us and how much of it is there just to offer us another way of trying to have our "control" over the situation? I am 99.9% sure we will decline this testing, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...and hear some of yours. Obviously we want to do what is best for our child. Please pray that God will give us wisdom and peace about this decision and many more to come!

Updates

I am not going to assume that you all will continually want to hear about my pregnancy and morning sickness and so on...for an entire 9 months...so I promise that all of my blogs will not be about that, but I thought I should update since my last post.

After sharing my unpreparedness for the first trimester of pregnancy, I was reminded of all the great friends that God has placed in my life and why I love them so much! So many of you shared sympathy and tips to help me and I just wanted to say thanks! Many of your suggestions worked wonders for me. (Specifically the sour candies from Baby's R Us....Thank you Rita for asking Ashley for help!!! Thank her for me too!). You are all so great!

Stacy came over one day to help me get some things done around the house. I have to admit...my pride did not want to let her come see all my dirty dishes and laundry, but she came none the less and helped me tremendously! Thank you so much Stacy! My other friend Stacey (and a few other great friends) is taking such good care of me during the GOC rehersals...making sure I eat and drink water...she's always looking out for me. I just love all of you. Shelly - PB&J...wonderful! Saleena - ice...helped me so much during practice.

So many I didn't mention by name have offered tips and given offers to help around the house...it is just such a blessing. Thank you ALL SO much. I think it may be starting to let up a little bit *knock on wood*...just a few more weeks to go (hopefully!)

One last update unrelated to pregnancy. Awhile back I wrote about my dog Bruin and some crazy reaction he was having to something. For awhile it was really looking like he could have an autoimmune disease. Well, he is not completely out of the woods yet, but the good news is that his rash did not come back! They put him on steroids through the allergy season and said if the rash came back in the fall/winter that was not a good sign. Well he has been off the steroids since the end of Sept and NO rash! Please keep praying for our little guy. If the rash stays away for the entire winter that would be really great news. If and when it comes back we will have to do a biopsy to find out what it really is (allergy or autoimmune).

Unprepared

So, I guess it is a good thing that during my journey through infertility I learned that I have basically little if any control over most things. What I was not prepared for was this experience of having NO control over my body and how I feel. I don't know what I expected...I guess I didn't know what to expect. The first trimester of pregnancy has knocked me off my feet...I am drained! Don't get me wrong...it could be a lot worse...I have heard of women who suffer through much more agonizing sickness than I have yet to experience (and pray daily that I won't go there). I just didn't realize that I would have NO control over my energy, my hunger, my moods etc...

So far this week I have come home every day after work and collapsed on my couch. Some days I sleep, some days I watch T.V. but I have yet to get anything close to productive done. There is more laundry than any 2 people should ever have piled up in the laundry room and a sink full of dishes. Mail from days ago is left unopened on the counter or the table. The refridgerator is virtually empty, which isn't a huge problem since I really can't eat anything anyway...but poor Mike! He doesn't have to eat crackers and ginger ale. Every time I think "pull yourself together! you should be able to get something done!" I roll over on the couch and forget about it.

No control over what I can eat. That pretty much stinks. Nothing that I am used to eating sounds even remotely good anymore. Before the nausea started getting bad I was actually craving things that I rarely eat (hamburgers, dairy, fast food...weird). Now that I feel nauseous 90% of the time, my diet consists of crackers, grapes, apples, grilled cheese, mac and cheese, yogurt and water...none of which actually sound appetizing, but they have managed to stay down, so I stick with what I know. I always have a supply of peppermint gum and sour candies and I am TERRIFIED that I will toss my cookies in public (which probably makes me feel worse most of the time, so I'm trying to get over that).

At 6 weeks I felt a little yucky and thought "this isn't so bad...I can handle this". Then 7 weeks was a little worse, but I got through. 8 weeks has left me wondering how much worse this is going to get before it gets better? I hope I don't have to miss out on GOC (Glory of Christmas concerts at Northridge), but I guess I'll just have to play it by ear. They say it gets much better by 12 or 13 weeks. I hope so!!

Good News

It has been many months (2 years actually) of waiting, praying, hoping, learning, blogging etc... I've often wondered as I wrote about what God was doing in my life how many of you knew what the focus of my struggle was. I know that several close friends knew and I assumed that many others would figure it out, but that was okay with me. Why didn't I write about it more specifically...I don't really know. I guess it was because for so long it was the total focus of my life and I knew I needed to get my focus back on the right things.

Well, now I can tell you the focus of my struggle and the journey God has had me on for the past two years was one of infertility. Mike and I decided in Sept 2004 that we would like to start a family. Little did we know that the decision was not ours to make. We tried for a year without any intervention and then we started seeing specialists and undergoing treatments. For me treatments consisted of medication. 2 different medications each for 3 months. As we progressed farther in our journey we discussed several options, but decided that for us...medications would be as far as we would go with the treatments. This was a difficult decision to make seeing as the medications weren't working for me. Regardless, when the time came and we were done with the medications we decided to stop fertility treatments even though it seemed that we would not be able to have a child without them.

That must've been the key. 2 months later...I was pregnant. The decision to stop the treatments was more significant than I had thought. It was the first time in this journey that I really allowed God to change my heart. My focus through most of this had been "what can I do to have a baby"..."how can I make this work" etc...but now, by making this decision I realized that I was saying "okay, I understand. there is nothing I can do and I am not going to try and make my desires happen any longer. I am honestly and truly placing this completely in your hands Lord".

There is so much more to the story and the only reason I am sharing this is because now that God has given us the desire of our hearts...I don't want to forget everything He has taught me a long the way. Now that I "have what I want" I don't want to push God aside as if He had nothing to do with it. I want to claim this for what it is...A blessing from God. I don't need Him any less now than I did when I was waiting for Him to answer our prayers.

And I realize that His answers to prayer were there all along. Even if He had decided that children were not in His plan for us...He would still have answered our prayers. God is not good because He has given us a child, He is good because His ways are perfect and He will see us through. This is STILL completely in His hands. His plan for this child starts now and ends when He sees fit. Just as before, we will not force His hand and I do not want MY will for this child...only HIS. These are lessons that I needed to learn and as difficult as it was, I am SO thankful that God brought me through this and had His will in my life. I pray He will continue to do the same on this new journey...PARENTHOOD!!!

So, please pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. We are due June 24, 2007. I look forward to sharing God's blessing with you.

Holding Hands

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the creator of the ends of the earth.

HE will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:28-29

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

And through the rivers,

They shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire,

you shall not be burned.

Isaiah 43:2

The Lord has proven these truths over and over in my life. Yet, each time I face a new unknown, it is like I have forgotten everything! The doubt, fear, & sadness begin but He leads me through it yet again, drawing me closer to Him. I wish I could be continually aware and constantly growing closer to Him. Why is it when one storm has passed, I let go of His hand only to find that I'm frantically grasping for it when the next storm comes through. When I'm not holding on and the storm begins, I get blown and tossed around, tired and weary. When I do eventually take hold of his hand, His power, peace, courage, strength, love, and joy all become mine. What if I never let go? I would have a constant connection to these things and I could avoid the beating I so often endure because I have let go of His hand. He would help me keep a sound mind and face the storms head on from the beginning.

I want to keep hold of His hand. Even when things are calm and no storm is in sight. I want to enjoy the good times with Him. I want to be so close that when the storms come, I don't need to go searching. I am so thankful that He does not grow weary, and He has understanding that no one can fathom. Where would I be without that?

Acting Out

I have an older brother. His name is Michael. He is 36 years old and he is Autistic. He does not have the ability to express himself very well. He can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. He basically keeps to himself, but he has his moments. Some moments are good....some are bad...just like anyone I guess, only he can't communicate what it is...so it's a guessing game really.

Growing up, we didn't get a long very well. It is hard for a young kid to understand why her older brother does not act the way everyone else does. Why he gets special treatment and basically gets to do anything he wants to. And gets away with it! Why she is expected to be more tolerant and mature even though she is 6 years younger. So, I wasn't always very nice to him and I was always trying to get him in trouble. I thought if I had consequences...so should he. I just didn't get it.

I won't bore you with the details...It wasn't like I had a horrible childhood or anything. I'm sure most of our disagreements were normal sibling stuff, but it was hard to adjust to having to deal with them all as the older sibling when I wasn't.

Once I got married and moved out we got along much better. He still didn't communicate with me...he just wasn't bothered by me anymore! And he obviously didn't bother me. Then my dad passed away, and this was the true test of a strained relationship. Since my mom is physically disabled (quadripelegic), I became the "head of the house" so to speak. I was responsible for "getting things done" and my brother began to look up to me this way. I have to take him to all his appointments, do his banking, etc...things my dad used to do. I certainly thought he wouldn't adjust well to this...but he really didn't seem to mind. And, he was actually pretty nice to me through it all.

We all tend to underestimate Michael. He really adjusted much better than we expected him to. Generally, autistic kids need a lot of order and routine. Not only had his dad (and the one he probably liked best in the family) died, but now he had to move out of his house and take over some of the things he could do to help my mom. He had to start taking a bus to work, and he had to look up to his younger sister for almost all his needs. We thought he would basically fall apart, but really he seemed to tolerate it all quite well, and things just kinda fell into place. We honestly thought he really didn't care.

Until recently. One of my brother's biggest struggles is his weight. It would be hard enough to help him if he had the comprehension of a normal 36 year old adult, but he just doesn't understand what his eating habits are doing to him. We've tried just about everything we can think of, but he always comes up with a way to get more food (and the most unhealthy food at that!). It honestly frustrates me so badly. Sometimes I just get mad, I wan't to force him to understand, but I can't! Most recently he resorted to stealing money! This sparked a conversation that none of us expected.

He became very upset and started breaking things in the house. At first he didn't say anything, we just assumed it was one of his tantrums because he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...watch out! But then he started saying "Why isn't Jerry here? Jerry should be here!" repeatedly. (Jerry was my dad).

I guess I just assumed, since he couldn't communicate his feelings...that he didn't really have any (obviously I know this isn't true...but outta sight, outta mind kinda thing I guess). I never would've put together that his overeating could have been linked to his feelings over missing my dad. And maybe some of it from the fact that he wants to express these feelings, but honestly can't. This was one of the few times I actually remember feeling saddened for him instead of angered by him. I still wanted to help him understand, but different things and for different reasons. I don't know if I can help him, but it definitely changed my heart toward him.

My dad was so good at all this. He had more patience and compassion than anyone I know. Perhaps that is what Michael misses the most. *tears*. I have no idea how my dad did all he did with such a pure servants heart. I have done a pretty miserable job living up to that. I don't know why God took him, and most days I sure can't figure out why God thought I would be able to fill in for him. I just God will help me find a way to deal with Michael more compassionately, and help him understand the things he (and we) can't.

Conversation

A conversation between me and God. (paraphrased by me as written by Karon Phillips Goodman in "You're late again Lord").

God: "Let me guess, you are frustrated with waiting on me, aren't you?"

Me: "Well, yes...sometimes I feel like I am waiting for your answers and they won't come. I'm waiting for things to happen, for plans to work out...it feels like the more I go forward, the more I fall back."

God: "You aren't trusting me to lead you where you need to go."

Me: "I'm trying to...I want to...but I feel like I'm not going anywhere."

God: "That's because you are focused on the destination, instead of the journey."

Me: "I'm not sure I'm cut out for this journey. I long for the destination! I am constantly threatened by doubt in the trenches, in the fear, in the uncertainty that surrounds me while I wait for your blessings."

God: "You don't have to wait for my blessings! You will find many of them on the journey. Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things which you do not know. (Jer 33:3)"

Me: "I don't want to miss your blessings, Lord. What do I need to do?"

God: "Overcome your doubt with faith! You do not understand the best way to reach the destination. I go out before you, you can trust me...because you know my voice (John 10:4). Don't assume that I will lead you to YOUR destination. Only I know which destination is best and I will direct you there (Prov 16:9). You must walk worthy of me, fully pleasing me, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in knowledge of me (Col 1:10).

Me: "Forgive my doubt Lord. I want to focus on the journey and not the destination. Help me!"

God: "Dear one. I love you and have already given you all you need. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom 12:12). I will do more than you could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).

Homesick

A few days ago my friend Carrie wrote about living away from her family. It touched my heart. She talked about the dream of them all being able to live close to eachother again someday. Selfishly, I immediately thought..."don't move away! I'd miss you!".

I have never lived away from my family. I was born in Michigan where all my extended family is (with the exception of 2 aunts and uncles). I lived in the same house for 25 years and then I got married and stayed close by. My husband's family is all here in Michigan too! I never even went away to college. Then last year I actually moved back into the house I grew up in! Talk about a home body.

I thought that I really couldn't relate to how Carrie was feeling, until I remembered my best friend Jamie who moved away to S.C. for her husband's job. She continually shares the heartache of being away from her family and her friends. She is more like a sister to me, so it was like part of my family moving away. I miss her every day and I wish so much for her to live close to us again one day and be a more present part of my life again. I began to think about all the people in Carrie's life who are feeling the same way...wishing she were "home" again and close by. So, I guess I had a better understanding then I thought I did. I began to pray for all my friends away from their families...that God would bless them and have them in a place that is best for them.

I know that God has huge blessings in store for Jamie. He brought them to S.C. for a reason, and I know that God will bless their faithfulness and obedience. Thankfully, our friendship has not suffered. She is still my dearest and closest friend. So, I still hope that one day she'll be home, but I know that God will do what is best for her...and that is what I really want for her. I love you Jamie!

On a different note, I've discovered that I can also relate to my friends away from their loved ones through the loss of my father. Since he passed away 2 years ago, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about him and wished I could just "hang" with him again. Many days I wish I had done more while he was here.

It sounds like the "christian" thing to say, but I can assure you it is true...My dad is in a much better place. This is what God determined was best for him. Just like when He leads people to different places or new opportunities here on earth. Like those who move away, you do have some excitement for the new opportunities that await them (I know my dad is living it up in Heaven! He finally has a chance to relax and enjoy himself and not be burdened by this world and all the responsibilites that he faithfully and humbly carried day by day. He's finally getting the reward in heaven that he worked so hard for here on earth.), but the selfish side of your heart wants them close again. But, whatever the circumstance is...there is a place deep in our hearts that really wants God's best for those we love.

So, don't take your relationships for granted. Treasure each and every moment, whether it's sitting together in the same room, talking over the phone, or sharing through email. Let each and every moment together fill up your heart. Then, when the time comes that you cannot be together on this earth, your heart will still hold a piece of them. Trust that God is doing what is best for you and your loved ones. Let Him fill the void of loved ones lost.

Miscellaneous updates

I have a trainer coming to the house today to help me with Bailey. He is getting an "evaluation". I'm not quite sure what this will involve, but I'm hoping it will help shed some light on his less than desireable behavior. I'm a little nervous, maybe like a parent when their child is going in for a test or a performance or something. I'm sure as soon as the trainer shows up, Bailey will be on his best behavior. He can sense things like that. It would be just like him to pull the wool over this guys eyes long enough to get my money and get out the door. Then the shenanigans continue.

Bruin just stopped his steriods 4 days ago and already the rash on his face looks like it's just waiting to come back with a vengence. He has to be off steroids until the end of October and then they will do a biopsy to see if he has Lupus. I just can't believe my precious, sweet, little doggie could have Lupus?!?! Poor baby. Once they confirm or deny...we have to proceed with some kind of treatment plan...decisions, decisions....

Looking forward to this weekend. It will be very busy, but fun! I'm going to a baby shower for Mike's cousin. I love to see family...it will be a nice time. Then I am singing special music for the services this weekend. Always an honor, a blessing, and always SO much FUN. I'll be sitting at the piano again which always adds an element of excitement (and nervousness! for me anyway). Then I will be heading off to another baby shower for a good friend from college. She is one of those friends that you wish you could spend more time with, but the time you do have is so very special. Each time we just pick up right where we left off, as if no time has passed. It may be months since I've seen her, or weeks since we've talked but there are no hurt feelings or unrealistic expectations. Just pure enjoyment of what our relationship is. I miss her so much and think of her often and though she can't be a more present part of my life, she is such an important and treasured part of it.

I was so blessed at the New Life Service at Northridge last night. I am going to have to write a separate blog about that! Just let me say if you have never heard Harvey Carey speak, you need to. Very inspiring and motivating. Worship was spectacular, and Kristi lead us with a passion that I admire so much. She blessed me so much. Love you KK!

These are the moments worth living for. The days when God shines the light into the valley that you have been wandering through. The light that shows the gorgeous mountains and green pastures waiting for you on the other side. The moment you realize that you are not going to take up residence in the valley because you are not staying there! You are moving on and God's favor is on you, making His will possible and bringing blessings to His people. (Thank you Harvey for those words from God...more to come on that!)

Honest

Lyrics by Audrey Assad.

http://www.myspace.com/audreyassadsings

i'm not afraid to be honest with You today
the only thing i'm sure of is You
i never knew about grace
before You called my name
before You touched my face with Your hand

even when i'm falling, confused, and i'm frightened
and my faith is afraid to be real

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You

i'm not alone in this fight, but i still want to run
You are the rock i say i stand on
i never knew about love
before Your healing touch
You always hold that open door

even when i'm angry, i'm hurt, and i'm broken,
won't You help me to fall on my knees?

You, You know me; help me to want You, help me to want You
You, You know me; help me to love You, help me to love You

Really?

I've noticed whenever I am "going through" something, I often feel like I am the only one going through it. I have days when I feel like no one could possibly understand, there is no way that I'll ever get through it and I often wonder why I have to.

I'm finding that I'm wrong. There are other people out there having similar experiences to mine. I'm also finding out that I have actually been an encouragement to some of these people. That is totally crazy to me! I feel like I often don't handle the "stuff" in life very well. Just when I'm feeling like I'm totally selfish, impatient, ungodly, ungrateful, unfaithful, confused and weak...I get an email or a letter from someone who says that I am an encouragement to them! That they admire my faithfulness and strength, and that I have handled myself so well through the "things" I happen to have faced in this life.

I think...What? Me? You can't be serious. I was just wondering why on earth God would ever trust me to be able to handle these things. Why would He think that I could remain faithful and be a godly example in the face of earthly trials. My flesh is so battered and weak...you picked the wrong gal this time God.

Thankfully, so far anyway...God has a way of bringing things back into perspective. I'm sharing this to say that this is obviously NOT me, but Him. He brings me back to a place of peace, thankfulness, faithfulness, godliness, strength, and joy. I still cannot fathom why He chooses to use me as an example for others, but I'm so thankful He does.

It doesn't end there...not only have I realized there are people going through the same things I am...but I have found that there are people going through MY "things" WITH ME! I have so many people lifting me up and supporting me. Praying for me and loving me. I am amazed by it really. I couldn't be used by God for anything, without the people He has placed in my life to help me through. Some of these people come and go, they may be there just for a moment, with a word of encouragement at just the right time. I may not even know them! Many of them are dear close friends. There for me at any and all times. All of them are a gift from God, and His way of letting me know that I am doing okay.

So, I do have my moments...but overall I can honestly say that I am thankful for the "things" in this life and I am excited about the opportunity to glorify God through it all (even if I do need LOTS of help to do it).

Looking Forward

I feel like it has been awhile since my last blog. 9 days...I guess that's a bit of a stretch. Isn't it funny how sometimes the words just come to you and you could write for hours, but other times...the well is dry. I'm not sure if my well is really dry...I think it is more like overflowing and I just can't get a grasp on all my thoughts and what I want to share.

There are so many things coming up that I am so excited about.

Fall, is arriving! My favorite season. Carmel Apple Cider at Starbucks (or Caribou)...yum.

I have SO many scheduled dates with friends - Some I haven't seen in years! Some are new friends I am getting better aquainted with, and others are close friends that I regularly make a point to spend time with (thankfully that list is growing!). Coffee dates, Scrapbook dates, Dinner dates, Tiger Games, Parties! I just can't wait!

Choir has started again and our Glory of Christmas Concert is just around the corner. I just love this time with the Choir! We always meet new people and get to spend lots of time with people we've known for years. I really feel like it is one big family and it is so fun to go through this together.

Hockey season! I love Hockey and so does Mike. I love watching it with him or getting together with friends. And of course, I do love Nicklas Lidstom...Captain...that's right...Captain of the Detroit Red Wings. Go Wings!

The Holidays. I see more family, friends, drink more coffee or warm cozy drinks, cook more, build fires in the fireplace, decorate the house, SHOP more!, listen to holiday music, cuddle with the dogs (they are not outside as much in the colder months - less escape probability = less impatience with them = more cuddle time!), and let's not forget the annual family Christmas picture! It is all so fun.

Lately, I've been focused so much on the things I don't like waiting for...it is just refreshing to look forward to all the things I am excitedly waiting for. :) I'm learning that the things I do while I'm waiting on God do not change His plan, they just determine how I feel while I'm waiting. I'm trying to choose to wait expectantly and excitedly instead of waiting impatiently and like a victim.

Unbelieveable

I honestly can't believe this has happened...I'm not sure why, because it is just par for the course...just when we thought we may have finally outsmarted him...he did it...again.

Those of you who know us, know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, you can check out the first story called "this is for the dogs" about our dog Bailey and his shenanigans.

Since the first time Bailey destroyed our fence we spent $600 for repairs to the gate and to install a second fence (chain link) behind the vinyl fence. The intention was to keep him from getting close enough to the vinyl fence to chew it. Well, it didn't work.

First, he learned to lift the latch on the chain link fence. Easy enough...we put a lock on it. That worked for a few days, but then he started digging under the chain fence. No problem, he's a digger...we should've known...so we burried our brick pavers again along the fence line, so he couldn't dig. (I'm sure home depot is expecting us to buy stock in brick pavers, between this house and the last one...this is the third time we have had to buy several of them to deter digging). Good, problem solved.

Oh no, not good enough. Bailey has discovered a weak spot in the chain link fence. He pushed against it just enough to get it away from the brick pavers so he could dig a hole on the other side...thus escaping the dog run and chewing the newly repaired vinyl gate to pieces....AGAIN!

So, what now? Back to home depot to get MORE pavers, dirt and gravel to put on the other side of the fence and something to steak the bottom of the fence into the ground so he can't move it.

Seriously...he is a dog. How on earth is he learning these things? I can't for the life of me figure out why he lives to make us miserable. I know most people would've gotten rid of him long ago. Maybe we should have...but I just can't do it. Every time I even consider it, I lose it completely. What is it that makes me so willing to tolerate this nonsense and throw away tons of $$$ on this DOG?

I guess it's love. This must be how parents feel about thier kids. Even when they completely break your heart...they still have a place in it.

Silver

Today's blog is from an email that my mother sent me. Perhaps some of you have seen this before...but I had not.

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot;then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of t he fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a ! moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

Wow, when He sees His image in me. Pretty amazing.

Unleashed

You know what really drives me crazy? When people walk thier dogs without a leash or let them run around their yard, no leash, no fence...nothing. Don't get me wrong, I realize the unexpected happens. Dogs dash out the front door or learn how to open the fence, better yet...they chew your fence to pieces (I happen to be the owner of one of metro Detroit's better known escape artists). I'm talking about when people knowingly do these things with thier dog. First of all, I guess I have to admit that I am insanely jealous of anyone whose dog behaves that well to even attempt it. Secondly, I don't buy it. It is just not safe. As good as you think your dog is, there is always the chance that they will run. They could see something, get spooked, who knows, but why take the chance?

But the reason it really gets to me is because it makes life SO much more difficult for those of us who do walk thier dogs on a leash. On more than one occasion I have been walking my dog (sometimes both of them) and here comes this dog out of nowhere, running up to mine and just starts this mass chaos! Here's the owner trying to get them back, saying "fido no! Come back here!" (which works really well doesn't it) completely shocked that thier dog would run to meet another dog that they see on a walk. Even the nicest most well behaved dog, when they see another one, will generally want to go and meet that dog. Does it mean they are a bad dog? No, not at all. They probably just want to play, or say hi or whatever.

Even if all the dogs involved are nice and totally fine with eachother, it still makes it 10 times harder for me to control my dog! Have you ever been around 2 or more very excited (and large) dogs? CRAZY! And lets just face it. My dog may not want to meet your dog. So, here I am trying to calm down a dog (and sometimes his brother at the same time) that is almost the same size as ME while this strange dog is running around us causing all kinds of ruckus. And we can't even walk away, because fido can just follow. And my dog, who is generally a good dog and will listen to me if he can even here me above fido's whining and barking and his owners feeble attempts to get him back. But he can't hear me, so he is getting totally frustrated and overstimulated and will probably lash out at fido just to stop the maddness!! (And, just a little extra information for those who didn't know...most times even a very confident and well behaved dog will feel threatened when he is on a leash and the other dog is not. It is like a weakness for him, so he feels vulnerable).

And then what happens? I'll tell you. Everyone who sees what is going on thinks...what a bad dog (my dog), what's wrong with him? Why would he lash out at poor innocent fido running around free to do whatever he pleases (while my dog would've totally minded his own business had fido been on a leash or behind a fence), fido is just so nice and cute...he just wanted to play. And what about that owner...can't she control her dog? I am! That's why he is on a leash!

Whew. Okay, so now I got that out. Sorry about my soapbox there. If you are someone who lets their dog run free or walks them off leash, I don't hate you. I don't mean for this to sound judgemental. It would be really great if all dogs could just run around free and all other dogs and people just loved them and everything was just fine and dandy. But that is just not the case.

I really honestly love you all! I'm just telling my side of the story. Perhaps it just doesn't occur to people the things that can happen. But seriously, it is so frustrating. And now I hesitate to walk my dog because of all the others that run around free. Too many unexpected things can happen. I personally believe that a dog should always be on a leash even if they are the best most well behaved dog in the world. It is just better for the dog, for the other dogs around and all the people involved.

Listening

I asked God to speak to me today, and I got to thinking about "listening". When I am expecting to hear from God about a particular situation, I will almost always look for the answer I want for that situation. I'm finding that it doesn't always happen that way. God does speak, but sometimes because of my "filters" I hear what I want to hear and not what I need to hear.
Psalm 34:17-18 says "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
So, in times of trouble I read this and I want to think..."the Lord will deliver me...he will give me exactly what I want! He will work this out exactly as I've planned it. See, I knew that God would work this out for me". But is that what it really says?
What is God really saying to me:
"Things may not go exactly as you have planned. You may not get the answer you want. You may not even get an answer, but it is okay because I will deliver you. When you think you can't live without the very thing you want the most, I will deliver you. That doesn't mean that I will give it to you. I may show you that you can live without it, in fact, you can be happy and content without it. When I say I will give you peace and joy, I don't say that so you think you will get what you want. I say that because just when you think you can't get through a certain situation, when you are broken hearted and crushed in spirit, I will deliver you. I will give you strength you never knew you had. So, when I tell you that you can have hope, it doesn't mean that if you sit around and "hope" long enough, you can expect things to turn out exactly as you have planned. It means that I will deliver you and you will be okay if they don't. When I say I am working, I am not bringing your plans into fruition. I am planning even bigger and better things."
See, I guess I've always thought that peace, joy, hope, contentment etc..were all tied up in the things I wanted. That when God said He would give us all those things, it meant that we would eventually get what we wanted. How far from the truth. We can only experince all of those things as we submit to what He wants for us and realize that we are okay in fact we're better off, even if His plans are different than ours.
Those of you who read my thoughts regularly are probably seeing a theme here. You think God is working on my need to "control" things?

Waiting

I hate waiting. I have to be one of the most impatient people on the planet. I find the shortest lines, take the fastest routes and put things off if it means that I may have to wait.
If something needs to be done, I do it now...I can't wait. When a problem comes along, I need a solution now...I can't wait. To me, waiting is just a needless inturruption in my busy schedule. It is wasted time. The problem is, I can't avoid waiting...no one can! So, I am usually just making myself crazy when the wait comes my way.

I'm reading this book that addresses waiting on God. It talks about waiting purposefully. God brings us to our "waiting rooms" to reach us and teach us. Not to irritate or upset us. It encourages us to view our waiting times as opportunities. Opportunities to grow closer to Him. When we are waiting on God we are not waiting for the outward thing...whatever it is that we want or we think we are waiting for. We are waiting on the inward work that God is doing in our lives.

I am waiting on God right now. For something I have wanted for a long time. Even though God has never let me down before, waiting for Him is SO hard. I have been viewing this wait just like all the others. A needless waste of my time. I've felt like I had to just sit back and be silent, accepting that nothing is happening until God decides to answer my prayer.

Now I see that God is not doing "nothing" he is still working. It is true that I may not get the "answer" to what I am waiting for, at least not in the time that I would like it. But this is not about what I'm waiting for, it is about what God is waiting for. He's waiting for me to become mature and complete, not lacking anything. The hope of His Glory through me. I just need to humble myself before Him (accept that I cannot control this, and that He knows best) so that in HIS time he can lift me up. (1 Peter 5:6)

And I don't need to just sit back and be silent. He knows that waiting is not easy for me. He knows that I desperately want the desires of my heart but I am willing to submit to the desires of His heart. So I cry out to him, pour my heart out to him, sometimes I even beg him. Bottom line is that I communicate with Him. I cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me (I Peter 5:7). And if I continue to do that, through it all, I grow closer to Him. Learning what my purpose is and what plan he has for me.

So...waiting...a waste of time...hardly. Turns out, it is a lot of work.

Silence

Service last night was about silence and solitude. These are both things that I struggle with. Even when my body is quiet, my mind is going a million miles a minute. Each time I try to be silent, to be still and hear God's voice, there are so many thoughts, questions, songs, conversations, tasks etc... in my mind just overwhelming me. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I avoid the silence? To avoid all of the "things" in life that overwhelm my mind when I actually have the time to stop long enough to think about them. Other times, I think I avoid the silence because I really struggle with hearing God's voice. Struggle in a way that makes be question what I hear. Is it my thoughts and desires etc...or is it really Him speaking to me? At times I am actually afraid to hear God's voice. It seems silly, it's not like I'm expecting God's wrath or anything, I just wonder if what God has to tell me is what I want to hear. I'm learning to trust that even if I don't want to hear it, I need to hear it. He wants to speak to me, to the depths of my heart and take all those "things" so I am not so overwhelmed. Why is it so hard to let go of all that? I shouldn't be afraid to hear God's voice. I will miss out on the blessings He wants to speak into my life. Lord, give me more moments of silence. Help me discern your voice and hear the things you want to bless me with.

Crisis

I've been thinking about all the times in life that felt like a crisis. There have been so many instances in life that I wondered if I would ever make it through. Sometimes because I'm just way too over dramatic, but most of the time because it was just plain hard. Whatever the circumstance, I remember thinking there is no way I will ever feel better about this. In one instance, my first break-up, I ruined my REM cd (playing "Everybody Hurts" over and over, again and again) and I don't think I came out of my room unless I absolutely had to. I remember thinking at that moment this was the worst possible thing I could've ever experienced.
I can't really remember when it happened, but I did feel better about it. I actually came out of my room and found my smile again. Life continued as it was and things weren't really so bad. Until the next crisis. My response to this one was just like the last, convinced that things would never get better and I would never be happy again. And then it happened, just like before...it kinda snuck up on me really. I was happy again.
I guess I'm thinking about this because those hard times just keep on comin'. Each "crisis" had provided me with a little more strength, has taught me a little bit more about myself, and has brought me closer to God. I still enter into them with the same questions, worries, and fears...but there is something I know, like all the times before...I will get through this. It still takes me awhile to get my emotions in line with my thoughts, to remind myself that God has gotten me through so many other things. What He is teaching me is that, if I want to, I can actually find my smile during the crisis. Why wait?

This is Fun???

Seriously, why didn't somebody tell me that I would feel like I had been hit by a truck after being dragged by a boat on a tube this past Saturday? If somone came and asked me, "hey do you want to strain every muscle in your body while trying to stay on this really small inner tube like thing (which is nearly impossible)? Oh by the way, your face will be pelted by water that actually feels like a thousand needles and each time you hit the water like a rag doll you'll have to try to keep your swim suit bottoms on. And just when your arms are turning to jello you're "friends" will think it's really funny to go faster (in circles) and try even harder to get you in the water. And even though everyone around the whole lake can hear you screaming, those on the boat can't possibly hear you pleading for your life!" I don't think I would've agreed to this. And people call this "fun"?
Call me crazy, but my idea of fun does not involve aching muscles, nausea, or vertigo. I am such a kill joy, I know.