A month from now...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life is going to look like about a month from now. So many people have tried to explain the miracle (both the joys and sacrifices) of adding a child to your family...but I have a feeling I will not truly be able to fathom it until it actually happens.

I'm not sure how this happened, but I am a worrier by nature. Neither one of my parents have (had) this trait, so I'm not sure who is to blame...but none the less...I worry. I seem to have gotten a little better over the years and several life experiences, but if I am honest...worry often creeps into my thoughts and can sometimes get me worked up about things that I probably don't need to be worked up about.

We have wanted a child for several years now. There was a time when it seemed like that may not be in God's plan for us. So why now, after He chose to bless us would I even consider letting worry enter the picture and steal my joy? I guess there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now...so many unknowns...so many things I'm not sure I am really ready for!?

First of all...LABOR & Childbirth...This is kind of easy to put in the back of your mind during the early months of pregnancy, but the reality of this really starts to hit home when you are about a month away from delivery. Will everything be okay? Can I really do this?

Secondly...Life Change. As much as I hate to admit it...I've become accustomed to a certain way of life. You know life is going to change when you add a child into the picture, but I'm not sure I can really fathom HOW much life is going to change and if I am ready for these changes. What sacrifices will I really need to make and am I unselfish enough to make these sacrifices?

Third...Identity Crisis. I have been so many things for so many years...but now, most of my being is going to be wrapped up into being a Mother. I have been working since I got out of high school...now, as far as we can tell...I will be a stay at home Mom. A prospect that sounds very appealing at first, but also makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home Mom? I have always been an extreme social butterfly...I thrive on social situations, but will these be limited now as I face caring for a completely dependant human being? I am a volunteer...I love to be involved, to serve, and to help. I take pride in the fact that I am available and dependable...something I wonder if I will be able to do now. Will I still be able to be involved in ministry?

Finally...Parenting. The vastness of this responsibility constantly overwhelms me. I worry that I won't make the right decisions, or that even if I do...my child may rebel. I worry that he won't be healthy or that the evil in this world will get the best of him. I worry that I can't protect him. I worry that I will try to control him...knowing full well that I can't.

I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture here. Like a bride having second thoughts at the altar...only with this...there really is NO turning back. There is more...but I feel like I've probably said too much already. I didn't want to give the idea that I'm totally freaking out or that these things have me paralyzed with fear. That is not the case. They are just thoughts that enter my head, things that I have to constantly give back to God. And that is what I am doing. I have faced the unknown several times in my life and He has ALWAYS seen me through. I know this time will not be any different. Overall, I still feel so overwhelmingly blessed, excited and full of joy!

Letting Go

Well, we did it. Yesterday, we dropped off the BMW to its new owner. I deposited the check today and all is well. Well, sorta...

I got to thinking yesterday that some people must be wondering how we can be so concerned about $ when we owned a BMW! Some of you know, but most of you may not, that I inherited the BMW when my father passed away. I can assure you that at no point in our lives up to this moment have we ever been able to afford a BMW. That was part of our reason for getting rid of it. The maintenance alone on one that we didn't even pay for was more than we could manage. But that is not the point of this blog...

I honestly didn't think that I would have any problem selling my father's old car, but I have to say that it was a little weird. Just before we left, Mike went out to make sure he had it all cleaned out and came in with a few things. Several of these things were my fathers. Nothing important really, just papers with his handwriting and several pieces of the gum that he used to chew. There was a page from his calendar with notes on how to get to an Automotive Museum. My dad was a car man through and through. At the moment it made me a little sad, and I guess there is a little sadness left today, but these memories also make me smile. It is amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is gone with just some little insignificant reminders.

When we dropped off the car and I met the man who bought it, he was talking about retirement and how 2 of his kids were out of the house now etc...I guess it just reminded me that it was this same stage of life that my father was in when he bought the car. So, I was a little more emotional about letting it go than I expected. My dad really did enjoy it. It was one of the few things he ever did for himself. But I am happy and wish the new owner all the best. Hope he enjoys it as much as dad did.

Things

Fun Stuff:
We are selling the BMW! Yahoo! This will give us enough $ to pay off my car so we will have NO car payments (at least for a little while, Mike's car is old and has a lot of miles but it is still going strong. No telling when he'll need a new one though). Also, dropping the insurance for a BMW is pretty significant.

When I called to cancel the BMW insurance, I found out that we qualify for a discount on our other 2 cars through our credit union. Another bonus! AND we will be getting some refund for the BMW because it was paid in full through the end of July.

I found out that I should have no problems getting onto Mike's medical insurance and his employer will pay for both me and the baby. We thought we were going to have to pay out of pocket to add us, but we don't! For the past year I have been paying for my medical insurance through Cobra from my previous employer, but I will be able to stop that next month! Thank you Lord for another financial blessing.

I don't want to give you the impression that we are obsessed with $ or anything...it's just that looking ahead to a future with a baby and hoping to be a stay at home Mom, these are all very positive and exciting things!! God has provided again, just like He always does.

Fun Stuff (not financially related):
My best friend Jamie will be in town (briefly) this weekend and I may get to see her!

I am taking a photography class that starts next week! I know...why did I sign up for a class 7 weeks before my due date!?!? But, this is a completely online class and it will be totally easy and fun. Just the basics. I’m very excited about it. Hopefully, I will learn enough to take some fabulous pics of our new family. It is 6 weeks long, but I will have a “grace period” should the baby decide to come during that time.

Our birth class is next weekend. I’m excited to learn about this experience and hopefully feel a little more prepared. We found out that one of the nurses who works labor and delivery at Providence is in the choir at our church! She offered to come do the class at our house. This is really good for us since Mike’s schedule can be so unpredictable. How very sweet of her.

I am loving the nice weather. Even the spring rain yesterday wasn’t so bad. Kinda refreshing.

Not So Fun Stuff:
I finally got my blood meter to measure my glucose. I have been sticking my finger 4 TIMES a day! The first day my numbers weren’t quite what they should be, but I seem to have gotten the hang of it. The past few days my numbers have been good. I just had to be a little more strict about what I am eating (I thought I could cheat a little since I was just “borderline” but not so). Just a little bit of carbs make a big difference. I can handle 7 weeks of this, especially if it means that my baby is healthier and hopefully SMALLER.

The Dog House

I am becoming more and more concerned about Bailey and how he is going to react to having the baby around. He is just giving us more and more trouble, and the baby isn't even here yet. He is just so defiant and things have to go exactly his way. I hate to write about this because I don't want to give people the wrong idea about him, but he has shown some signs of aggression. I don't believe by nature that he is an aggressive dog, but he can be pushed to that point. He is becoming more and more unpredictable as to what it is that will push him to that point.

I honestly don't see him acting out with aggression toward the baby. Especially early on when the baby really can't interact with him at all. I honestly just see him continuing to act out toward us with defiance and possibly aggression when we try to control the defiance.

This realization is breaking my heart. We have tried (and will continue at least for now) everything we know to treat this and live in harmony with Bailey. We want him to be a happy and well adjusted dog, but to what extent? I honestly thought I would do ANYTHING it took...even early in the pregnancy, I couldn't imagine "giving up" on him. But I don't want to be stupid about this. I honestly don't want to end up like one of those people on the news whose dog has malled their child and they are like "I had no clue this could happen".

If the signs are there...it is always a possibility. I seriously feel ill everytime I think about it. I can't imagine life without Bailey, but it only takes one mistake. Am I really ready to be on guard 24/7? My heart is broken, and I have literally sobbed over this. I just pray every day that God will give us wisdom when dealing with Bailey, and if we have to make one of the most difficult decisions I can imagine making at this point in my life, that He will give us comfort and peace about it.