Do you notice how different "themes" tend to confront you in your life from time to time. I find myself going about my life and as I'm confronted by different circumstances, people, studies, messages etc...my thoughts for a season of time are continually brought back to a particular topic. Lately, I feel like this topic has been glorifying God. I'm afraid my summary of these thoughts may be significantly lacking, and I'm not even sure this is the correct title...but I felt that I should share this journey of understanding with you...mostly in an attempt to reel in the scattered bits and pieces and hopefully obtain a bit more understanding for myself.
My mind has been tossing around the question, "who am I or who do I want to be?" Several circumstances I have faced recently have really challenged this issue for me. Messages, studies, and conversations seem to be reinforcing the ideas and keeping the thoughts active. Every area of my life is forcing me to come back and focus on this topic. I know it is not a coincidence. God is doing something.
I recently read about Peter and his denial of Christ. What stood out to me this time when Christ reveals to Peter what is about to happen, is that His words tell us that Satan was trying his best to separate all of them (Christ's disciples) from Christ. The NIV says "Satan has asked to sift you as wheat". And he goes on to say that HE prayed for Peter! He prayed that Peter would not give in and would remain faithful to Him. The issue in Peters life was denial. The author of the study goes on to point out that the real issue was Peters inability to deny himself, which led him to deny Jesus Christ.
I just picture Christ having these same conversations with Satan about me. It is so easy to focus on our circumstance and be so wrapped up in the difficulty of it all that we miss the bigger picture. As most do I'm sure, I have great difficulty denying myself...particularly in the midst of trials. Suppose Satan has confronted Christ about this issue in my life and Christ has prayed for ME to not give in and to remain faithful. That thought right there has been so overwhelming to me in the past few months. I have come to believe that some difficult circumstances are allowed into our lives to teach us and to help us develop the qualities we need to be the person God has intended for us to be. But in addition, sometimes these difficulties are allowed into our lives to prove us faithful. Satan is trying to separate us from Christ! Christ knew that Peter would fail in the moment, but He also knew that Peter would NOT fail in the mission. I want Christ to know that about me! That is the person I want to be.
I tend to view my difficult circumstances as times to be endured or "survived", but that is really not the point. Not only do I want to be a person that can deny myself and remain faithful to God, I want to handle my circumstances (good and bad) in ways that bring glory to Him. I want to fight against Satan's attempt to separate me from Christ! Oh how I want to prove Satan wrong. When he thinks that he can hit me with something that will finally do me in, I just want to come back at him with a reaction that makes him sorry he even tried. Not only do I want everyone to see God glorified, but I want them to know that Satan tried and he failed...again. I want them to know that he is trying to separate them from God too, but (in the words of Beth Moore) Christ will not grant Satan permission to do anything that can't be used for God's glory and our good...if we will let it! Satan doesn't have to win in your life...Glorify God and be faithful! I want to make God so proud and so happy that he trusted me and gave me to opportunity to remain faithful. I will probably fail, just like Peter, in the moment (or two)...but I want to succeed in the mission.
I pray that God continues to confront me with this, and as my nature finds me fearing or refusing to deny myself...I pray that God reminds me that out of His love He sacrificed more than I could even imagine...and that Christ will ultimately find me faithful.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
What's going on...
So, I know there are a lot of people wondering what has been going on with me lately. I have been through a difficult time and while I wasn't ready to share what was happening, I knew that I desperately needed prayers...from anyone who would pray...to help get me through.
Looking back on it all, it seems a bit over dramatic. My difficult time was no different from any of the other trials that are facing so many people we all know...in fact, it may pale in comparison to many...but it was mine...and to me, it was heartbreaking.
I found out in early January that we were expecting again! We were both really happy...however I have to be honest and say that we were also a bit shocked. Many of you know that it took us 2 years to get pregnant the first time, so when we agreed in December to open our lives up to the possibility of a second child...you can imagine what a surprise it was to see a positive pregnancy test in January!! After the shock wore off a bit...I began to realize how happy I was that I didn't have to go through the struggle of infertility a second time. While we had the normal hesitations of "can we really handle two"...and "what is going on with the economy and our finances...can we afford two"...there was such a relief knowing that God had spared us from the countless months of failed attempts and disappointments.
Don't get me wrong...I learned SO much through our struggle to conceive...primarily, that I am not in any way in control of this! And I remembered that lesson...we talked and prayed about adding to our family and I knew that this time...just like the last...HE would decide if another child was in His will for us and HE would decide when. I just have to be honest...I was SO glad He decided not to wait this time.
Which made what happened 6 weeks into the pregnancy that much more of a blow. I will spare you from the long drawn out details...but at 6 weeks I found out I was having a miscarriage. At that moment, in the tunnel vision of despair and over active hormones...I could not see outside of myself. This was the worst possible thing I could be experiencing and I couldn't see any purpose for it. I was mad. I had already learned my lessons and I couldn't see why God would possibly be trying to teach me even more. This time I went into this with all the "right" angles...I trusted Him first, I gave Him control from the beginning, I was willing to wait for His timing...and THIS is what He decides to do with that? How does that make any sense. If this wasn't the right time...why give it to me and then take it away?
I won't say that I suddenly began to understand or that it all began to make sense...because quite honestly...there is still so much that I don't understand. However, after some tears and a little time...I began to see that He was not doing this to me, but He was going through it with me. Yes, He knows the things that will come in and out of our lives and I believe He could have spared me from it...I believe He can do anything...but I also have come to realize that He uses things in our lives, even things we may never understand...for a bigger purpose...to draw others to Him and to bring glory to His name. For whatever reason, my experience serves to bring Him more glory than if He had allowed this pregnancy to continue...if I will let it.
That's when I realized I don't really have to know why this happened...I just want to do right by Him. I don't want to forget that I DID trust Him and give Him complete control before going into this...so I can know without a doubt that He has a plan for it all. I don't like the plan...I already told Him that (ha ha!)...but I don't want to say that I trust Him and give Him control and then back out of that the moment things don't go my way. When I said it...I meant it...and I'm going to stick by it. My battle is against the enemy and I don't intend to let him win by letting this consume me and make me bitter against God. Instead I plan to be on God's side and defeat Satan by remaining as faithful as I possibly can and allowing Him to have to victory over all of this. I have always prayed that I would be able to handle my trials this way. Thank you God for answering my prayer and for being everything I need to be that person.
So thank you to all of you who prayed, even though you may not have known what was going on. You helped God get everything in perspective for me...and helped Him remind me of the promises I made to Him...but more importantly...of the promises He's made to me. Please continue to pray as we trust Him to bless our family as He sees fit and as we give Him control to take us to that point in whatever way He sees fit. Pray that we will remember HE does not change, so we can stay faithful to Him no matter what we may need to endure.
Looking back on it all, it seems a bit over dramatic. My difficult time was no different from any of the other trials that are facing so many people we all know...in fact, it may pale in comparison to many...but it was mine...and to me, it was heartbreaking.
I found out in early January that we were expecting again! We were both really happy...however I have to be honest and say that we were also a bit shocked. Many of you know that it took us 2 years to get pregnant the first time, so when we agreed in December to open our lives up to the possibility of a second child...you can imagine what a surprise it was to see a positive pregnancy test in January!! After the shock wore off a bit...I began to realize how happy I was that I didn't have to go through the struggle of infertility a second time. While we had the normal hesitations of "can we really handle two"...and "what is going on with the economy and our finances...can we afford two"...there was such a relief knowing that God had spared us from the countless months of failed attempts and disappointments.
Don't get me wrong...I learned SO much through our struggle to conceive...primarily, that I am not in any way in control of this! And I remembered that lesson...we talked and prayed about adding to our family and I knew that this time...just like the last...HE would decide if another child was in His will for us and HE would decide when. I just have to be honest...I was SO glad He decided not to wait this time.
Which made what happened 6 weeks into the pregnancy that much more of a blow. I will spare you from the long drawn out details...but at 6 weeks I found out I was having a miscarriage. At that moment, in the tunnel vision of despair and over active hormones...I could not see outside of myself. This was the worst possible thing I could be experiencing and I couldn't see any purpose for it. I was mad. I had already learned my lessons and I couldn't see why God would possibly be trying to teach me even more. This time I went into this with all the "right" angles...I trusted Him first, I gave Him control from the beginning, I was willing to wait for His timing...and THIS is what He decides to do with that? How does that make any sense. If this wasn't the right time...why give it to me and then take it away?
I won't say that I suddenly began to understand or that it all began to make sense...because quite honestly...there is still so much that I don't understand. However, after some tears and a little time...I began to see that He was not doing this to me, but He was going through it with me. Yes, He knows the things that will come in and out of our lives and I believe He could have spared me from it...I believe He can do anything...but I also have come to realize that He uses things in our lives, even things we may never understand...for a bigger purpose...to draw others to Him and to bring glory to His name. For whatever reason, my experience serves to bring Him more glory than if He had allowed this pregnancy to continue...if I will let it.
That's when I realized I don't really have to know why this happened...I just want to do right by Him. I don't want to forget that I DID trust Him and give Him complete control before going into this...so I can know without a doubt that He has a plan for it all. I don't like the plan...I already told Him that (ha ha!)...but I don't want to say that I trust Him and give Him control and then back out of that the moment things don't go my way. When I said it...I meant it...and I'm going to stick by it. My battle is against the enemy and I don't intend to let him win by letting this consume me and make me bitter against God. Instead I plan to be on God's side and defeat Satan by remaining as faithful as I possibly can and allowing Him to have to victory over all of this. I have always prayed that I would be able to handle my trials this way. Thank you God for answering my prayer and for being everything I need to be that person.
So thank you to all of you who prayed, even though you may not have known what was going on. You helped God get everything in perspective for me...and helped Him remind me of the promises I made to Him...but more importantly...of the promises He's made to me. Please continue to pray as we trust Him to bless our family as He sees fit and as we give Him control to take us to that point in whatever way He sees fit. Pray that we will remember HE does not change, so we can stay faithful to Him no matter what we may need to endure.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Hard Times
I have had my share of difficult times. I know we all have. I don't really consider myself to be any different than anyone else on those terms. I have a history of getting through the tough times pretty well, I guess it is something I have picked up from my family along the way.
So hard times come and they go...I learn and I grow. I take a deep breath and find myself letting out a huge sigh of relief when the time passes. Somewhere in the back of my mind I conclude that "I finally got through this, I survived, things will be okay"...and they are...but only for that particular situation.
This is probably going to sound a lot worse than I really feel about life in general, but sometimes it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next problem. I guess I get this false sense of security from getting through a difficult time, like I've paid my dues...I'm somehow exempt from any more trouble. Of course I know that is not how it is...I guess that's the point...one difficult time prepares us and equips us to better handle the next. I know that...but I want it to come easier. I feel like I should be able to dive right into the next difficulty with this armor from my last experience that lets me just breeze right through it. Like I should think nothing of it, it shouldn't bother me, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty about how bad I think the whole thing stinks.
I know I put that pressure on myself. No one expects that from me, least of all God. I just wish it wasn't such a surprise when trouble hits again...I wish the things I've learned from previous experiences came back to me faster and easier...I wish the pain I endured in one situation could save me from (or at least dull) the pain of the next. If we all had a magic wand...right?
I'm not holding on to this problem...I'm putting it in His hands. I hate it, and I wish I didn't have to go through it, but I'm not letting it overcome me. My previous experiences have taught me this if nothing else...God will get me through the current situation...just like all the others...and He's the only one that can...if that is the only thing I know right now...I guess that is enough.
So hard times come and they go...I learn and I grow. I take a deep breath and find myself letting out a huge sigh of relief when the time passes. Somewhere in the back of my mind I conclude that "I finally got through this, I survived, things will be okay"...and they are...but only for that particular situation.
This is probably going to sound a lot worse than I really feel about life in general, but sometimes it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next problem. I guess I get this false sense of security from getting through a difficult time, like I've paid my dues...I'm somehow exempt from any more trouble. Of course I know that is not how it is...I guess that's the point...one difficult time prepares us and equips us to better handle the next. I know that...but I want it to come easier. I feel like I should be able to dive right into the next difficulty with this armor from my last experience that lets me just breeze right through it. Like I should think nothing of it, it shouldn't bother me, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty about how bad I think the whole thing stinks.
I know I put that pressure on myself. No one expects that from me, least of all God. I just wish it wasn't such a surprise when trouble hits again...I wish the things I've learned from previous experiences came back to me faster and easier...I wish the pain I endured in one situation could save me from (or at least dull) the pain of the next. If we all had a magic wand...right?
I'm not holding on to this problem...I'm putting it in His hands. I hate it, and I wish I didn't have to go through it, but I'm not letting it overcome me. My previous experiences have taught me this if nothing else...God will get me through the current situation...just like all the others...and He's the only one that can...if that is the only thing I know right now...I guess that is enough.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmastime
I don't know what it was about this year...but Christmas came and went in a whirlwind.
It all started at Thanksgiving. I have started this little tradition (since I've been married) of putting up our tree on the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, this year we were all sick after Thanksgiving, so it was put off. I was a little bit disappointed but at the time I thought, "no problem...I will have plenty of time".
Then Glory of Christmas (GOC) started. I have been involved in this musical production that we do at Northridge Church for the past 13 years...why it snuck up on me this year, I have no idea...I know what is involved and I know that for the first two weeks of December I am lucky to get the day to day things done...much less any extra Holiday things...but I convinced myself it wouldn't be that bad...I could do it...
10 piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, multiple tumbleweeds of dog hair, and 3 toilet rim rings later...I realized I was in over my head. The more that piled up, the less motivated I was to do it. Again, I convinced myself...GOC will be over and then I will have plenty of time to catch up.
I started off okay...the dirty piles of laundry became clean folded piles of laundry (well some of them), dishes were washed as we needed them, and I would pick up dog hair tumbleweeds as I passed. Notice I haven't mentioned the toilets yet...yea...not good...but people weren't coming to my house for 2 more weeks...plenty of time to clean the toilets. I still had to decorate my tree and get our Christmas card picture taken!
Day after day passed. Each day a new thing to take my attention away from the tasks at hand. It was Dec 21st we managed to get our pictures taken, Dec 23rd I decorated the tree, Dec 24th (and some of the morning on Dec 25th) I finally got the house cleaned (toilets too) and my Christmas cards mailed. I still have baskets of clean laundry to put away and new piles of dirty laundry to wash. I was honestly so overwhelmed and disappointed by it all.
But, when it all came down to it...we had a wonderful Christmas. We have spent much needed time with family and friends, gotten some much needed rest, and had some quiet moments together as a family. I will have memories from each chaotic Christmastime episode that will last a lifetime. :)
It all started at Thanksgiving. I have started this little tradition (since I've been married) of putting up our tree on the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, this year we were all sick after Thanksgiving, so it was put off. I was a little bit disappointed but at the time I thought, "no problem...I will have plenty of time".
Then Glory of Christmas (GOC) started. I have been involved in this musical production that we do at Northridge Church for the past 13 years...why it snuck up on me this year, I have no idea...I know what is involved and I know that for the first two weeks of December I am lucky to get the day to day things done...much less any extra Holiday things...but I convinced myself it wouldn't be that bad...I could do it...
10 piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, multiple tumbleweeds of dog hair, and 3 toilet rim rings later...I realized I was in over my head. The more that piled up, the less motivated I was to do it. Again, I convinced myself...GOC will be over and then I will have plenty of time to catch up.
I started off okay...the dirty piles of laundry became clean folded piles of laundry (well some of them), dishes were washed as we needed them, and I would pick up dog hair tumbleweeds as I passed. Notice I haven't mentioned the toilets yet...yea...not good...but people weren't coming to my house for 2 more weeks...plenty of time to clean the toilets. I still had to decorate my tree and get our Christmas card picture taken!
Day after day passed. Each day a new thing to take my attention away from the tasks at hand. It was Dec 21st we managed to get our pictures taken, Dec 23rd I decorated the tree, Dec 24th (and some of the morning on Dec 25th) I finally got the house cleaned (toilets too) and my Christmas cards mailed. I still have baskets of clean laundry to put away and new piles of dirty laundry to wash. I was honestly so overwhelmed and disappointed by it all.
But, when it all came down to it...we had a wonderful Christmas. We have spent much needed time with family and friends, gotten some much needed rest, and had some quiet moments together as a family. I will have memories from each chaotic Christmastime episode that will last a lifetime. :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Story Time
In my quest to understand more about myself and my ways of life, I have responded to the suggestion to take some time for "myself". Every day (at least nearly every day) for the past few weeks as I put Isaac down for his nap, I brew come coffee...grab my warmest blanket...head to our living room, and open up a book.
It has been fun venturing into the living room. We rarely spend any time here...it is our "nice" room, with nice furniture and fixtures...where the kids and dogs are not allowed. There is no TV here, no phone, and generally...no computer (although today I have made an exception to share about this experience with you).
There are two big windows that give me a glimpse into the outdoors and whatever beauty is taking place for that day. Some days the warm sun is glowing and lately the refreshing snow flakes have been falling...as hard as it is to appreciate the driving hazards, layers of clothing, and sore muscles from shoveling...it is hard to deny its beauty.
It is the perfect place in our house for a little peace and quiet. I have never been much of a reader, so it is very easy for me to be distracted. Here, I find that I don't have as much difficulty keeping focused. It is comfortable and inviting. The book I am reading is the Bible. I have been doing a bible study on the life of Jesus, and it sparked my interest in the gospels. I will admit that at first, this felt like more of a task...another thing on my "to do" list that I could check off and feel accomplished about. But as I read and learned, a desire started to spark and this time began to feel more like a rest or refuge. When my assigned reading was finished, I wanted more...I didn't want to just check that off for the day and go on my way...
So into the gospels I went. As Jesus entered the teaching phase of his life, he told so many stories. I have just recently started reading "The Message" translation, which uses language that adds even more to the element of "story time". I feel like a kid again, wrapped up in a blanket, listening to stories about great people and marvelous adventures. I have easily spent several hours here, brought back to reality by my son awaking from his nap. In the past I would've felt irritated that I had done "nothing" during Isaac's nap...my one chance to get things done around the house without having to worry about keeping an eye on him...but lately, I don't mind at all. I value this time so much, and when it is over I feel refreshed and happy.
Best of all, I am learning. I have been a Christian for most of my life, but I feel like I have so much to learn about God. I love this study I'm doing, and following the gospels...getting glimpses into WHO God really is and what that means for my life. He has so much compassion for us, but above that He has a plan. An eternal plan for a kingdom, that is His number one priority. There is much about His plan that is difficult to understand, but as I learn more about who He is...I know that He can be trusted. I know that He has a purpose for every decision He makes...one that for whatever reason, works for His eternal plan. I am convinced that Christ CAN do anything, but I know that He chooses what He will and will not do. My place is to seek His purposes in everything. Wanting more for His work and His will being done through my life than I want for my hardships and handicaps to be healed. As deeply as I desire your health and healing - and believe in your ability to provide it - I desire even more an abundance of your peace and truth (Jer 33:6). (paraphrased from Beth Moore).
It has been fun venturing into the living room. We rarely spend any time here...it is our "nice" room, with nice furniture and fixtures...where the kids and dogs are not allowed. There is no TV here, no phone, and generally...no computer (although today I have made an exception to share about this experience with you).
There are two big windows that give me a glimpse into the outdoors and whatever beauty is taking place for that day. Some days the warm sun is glowing and lately the refreshing snow flakes have been falling...as hard as it is to appreciate the driving hazards, layers of clothing, and sore muscles from shoveling...it is hard to deny its beauty.It is the perfect place in our house for a little peace and quiet. I have never been much of a reader, so it is very easy for me to be distracted. Here, I find that I don't have as much difficulty keeping focused. It is comfortable and inviting. The book I am reading is the Bible. I have been doing a bible study on the life of Jesus, and it sparked my interest in the gospels. I will admit that at first, this felt like more of a task...another thing on my "to do" list that I could check off and feel accomplished about. But as I read and learned, a desire started to spark and this time began to feel more like a rest or refuge. When my assigned reading was finished, I wanted more...I didn't want to just check that off for the day and go on my way...
So into the gospels I went. As Jesus entered the teaching phase of his life, he told so many stories. I have just recently started reading "The Message" translation, which uses language that adds even more to the element of "story time". I feel like a kid again, wrapped up in a blanket, listening to stories about great people and marvelous adventures. I have easily spent several hours here, brought back to reality by my son awaking from his nap. In the past I would've felt irritated that I had done "nothing" during Isaac's nap...my one chance to get things done around the house without having to worry about keeping an eye on him...but lately, I don't mind at all. I value this time so much, and when it is over I feel refreshed and happy.
Best of all, I am learning. I have been a Christian for most of my life, but I feel like I have so much to learn about God. I love this study I'm doing, and following the gospels...getting glimpses into WHO God really is and what that means for my life. He has so much compassion for us, but above that He has a plan. An eternal plan for a kingdom, that is His number one priority. There is much about His plan that is difficult to understand, but as I learn more about who He is...I know that He can be trusted. I know that He has a purpose for every decision He makes...one that for whatever reason, works for His eternal plan. I am convinced that Christ CAN do anything, but I know that He chooses what He will and will not do. My place is to seek His purposes in everything. Wanting more for His work and His will being done through my life than I want for my hardships and handicaps to be healed. As deeply as I desire your health and healing - and believe in your ability to provide it - I desire even more an abundance of your peace and truth (Jer 33:6). (paraphrased from Beth Moore).
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Who I am...
Turns out that I have learned throughout my life to define who I am, by what I do and how well I do it. I'm sure there at a lot of people who do this to some extent, but I have recently been told that it is stealing joy and a sense of value from my life.
It honestly never occurred to me that I was creating my sense of self based on my responsibilities and how I take care of things. I guess it was never really a problem until all my "responsibilities" started to be a bit overwhelming. Suddenly there were things that I couldn't handle up to these standards I had created. In the frenzy of disappointment, rather than understand that I probably need help in the areas I feel like I am falling short, I guess I started compensating by doing more...how that makes any sense, I don't know...I guess I just became accustomed to "doing". Apparently as I continue to fall short, I just do more to try and hold on to (or possibly find) my identity. When I do something and I do it well, I find my value and identity in that.
I have found that this has grown to the point of feeling lost and a little bit sad when there is nothing for me to do. How weird is that. "Over functioning" was the term that was used to describe me. To the point of missing out, not knowing how to just have fun anymore, how to just "be". This is all somehow tied to my need to be in control. I honestly don't think that my motives are to be "controlling", but rather to feel that I am in control (at least of what I am doing) if that makes any sense. I experienced so much in my early life that was just completely out of control, so now any opportunity I have to create that illusion of control in my own life, I take it. Hence, adding things to my to do list...things I have under control.
So, this pattern of behavior has been going on for quite some time...but I was just recently brought to the true realization of how it is affecting my life and my relationships. Solution? Well, I was told to take things off my plate, stop "parenting" all the people in my life, learn how to just have fun, how to be. Problem is, I'm finding that I have no idea what this looks like, what it means for me. Letting things go seems a bit impossible for me. Not because I simply don't want to, but because they are responsibilities...they are things that have to be done...and the few things I am involved in that could be considered extra curricular, are things I really enjoy! So would that really make sense to give up the things that I actually am finding joy in?
Maybe it is more of a change in mindset. Can I still be involved, but not in control? I don't know. And even now I struggle with the notion that I have to "figure this out", handle it well, get it right...the very thoughts that are keeping me captive in the first place. I have been left with this hollow spot. I feel sometimes like I'm staring at a blank map trying to figure out where to go. Why is it so difficult to just be?
It honestly never occurred to me that I was creating my sense of self based on my responsibilities and how I take care of things. I guess it was never really a problem until all my "responsibilities" started to be a bit overwhelming. Suddenly there were things that I couldn't handle up to these standards I had created. In the frenzy of disappointment, rather than understand that I probably need help in the areas I feel like I am falling short, I guess I started compensating by doing more...how that makes any sense, I don't know...I guess I just became accustomed to "doing". Apparently as I continue to fall short, I just do more to try and hold on to (or possibly find) my identity. When I do something and I do it well, I find my value and identity in that.
I have found that this has grown to the point of feeling lost and a little bit sad when there is nothing for me to do. How weird is that. "Over functioning" was the term that was used to describe me. To the point of missing out, not knowing how to just have fun anymore, how to just "be". This is all somehow tied to my need to be in control. I honestly don't think that my motives are to be "controlling", but rather to feel that I am in control (at least of what I am doing) if that makes any sense. I experienced so much in my early life that was just completely out of control, so now any opportunity I have to create that illusion of control in my own life, I take it. Hence, adding things to my to do list...things I have under control.
So, this pattern of behavior has been going on for quite some time...but I was just recently brought to the true realization of how it is affecting my life and my relationships. Solution? Well, I was told to take things off my plate, stop "parenting" all the people in my life, learn how to just have fun, how to be. Problem is, I'm finding that I have no idea what this looks like, what it means for me. Letting things go seems a bit impossible for me. Not because I simply don't want to, but because they are responsibilities...they are things that have to be done...and the few things I am involved in that could be considered extra curricular, are things I really enjoy! So would that really make sense to give up the things that I actually am finding joy in?
Maybe it is more of a change in mindset. Can I still be involved, but not in control? I don't know. And even now I struggle with the notion that I have to "figure this out", handle it well, get it right...the very thoughts that are keeping me captive in the first place. I have been left with this hollow spot. I feel sometimes like I'm staring at a blank map trying to figure out where to go. Why is it so difficult to just be?
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
November in Michigan
I have missed writing in a blog. I let myself become so overwhelmed by the networking sites...updating pictures and managing comments...which I love when it comes to staying in touch with people, but for some reason it has taken me away from getting my thoughts out there. I feel like I need a fresh start, so here I am.
Today in Michigan, it was 70 degrees and sunny. We are not accustomed to such mild and down right enjoyable weather this time of year. I took my 16 month old to the park to enjoy the weather and attempt to get some good fall pictures.
I am trying my hand at photography, and in the process learning all the fun things my camera can do. One downside to this is that sometimes the perfect photo moment is lost in the experiment. I really had some great opportunities today, but the settings weren't quite right...so hence the pictures were not the quality I would have preferred. I followed Isaac around for nearly 2 and a half hours. I am coming to realize how difficult it is to photograph a 16 month old. He is always "going". Oh how I long for the days before he could walk when I just propped him up in a chosen location and snapped away to my heart's content.
On any other day, I may have considered this "photo shoot" a failure and packed up my bags (and my child) with a sense of disappointment. Today was different...I don't know if it was the unseasonably good weather, but whatever it was...I left happy. Happy that the sun was shining, that I had more than 2 hours to do absolutely nothing, that I had some fun with my boy, that I learned a few things about my camera and photography in general, and that I still got a handful of decent pictures to archive the entire experience.
So today is a fresh start...for blogging, for photography, and for perspective.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
There is a friend...
I'm not sure why, but I have the hardest time comprehending God as my "friend". I find it so difficult at times to really make that connection...When I think of meeting with a friend, I associate it most often with going "somewhere" and doing "something"...sitting and having coffee or spending time doing the things we love. (Can you tell Quality Time is my strongest Love Language?)
It's not that I don't realize I can do all of these things (anything really) WITH Him, I just have the hardest time considering this as an option. Quite honestly, I feel like when I'm doing these social things "with" God, I am doing them alone. For some reason I can't get past the fact that there is no tangible being that I can see and hear. I think God is really trying to teach me about being his friend lately. To get past the "social" aspect of friendship and discover the true meaning. I think he really wants me to find in him all the things that I would find from my dearest closest friend.
To be excited to share my great news with Him, and to call Him first when things get tough. To think of Him first when I have a spare moment and just want to hang out or talk. To find security in knowing that we are inseparable and He is always thinking of me, and making time for me. To feel so special because He would do anything within His power for me and He always gives me the very best things...just exactly what I need. To find peace in being accepted as I am, not having to hide anything or hold anything back. To find pure joy in sharing fun times and laughs with Him, and ultimate comfort in Him sharing my pain and sorrow as if it were His own.
Why wouldn't I want that from Him? I couldn't ask for a better friend. I am so thankful that He is teaching me this and urging me to invest in the best of friendships that I will ever have. To learn more about what friendship really is, so that I can cherish and appreciate the human relationships that He blesses me with in a more realistic way.
It's not that I don't realize I can do all of these things (anything really) WITH Him, I just have the hardest time considering this as an option. Quite honestly, I feel like when I'm doing these social things "with" God, I am doing them alone. For some reason I can't get past the fact that there is no tangible being that I can see and hear. I think God is really trying to teach me about being his friend lately. To get past the "social" aspect of friendship and discover the true meaning. I think he really wants me to find in him all the things that I would find from my dearest closest friend.
To be excited to share my great news with Him, and to call Him first when things get tough. To think of Him first when I have a spare moment and just want to hang out or talk. To find security in knowing that we are inseparable and He is always thinking of me, and making time for me. To feel so special because He would do anything within His power for me and He always gives me the very best things...just exactly what I need. To find peace in being accepted as I am, not having to hide anything or hold anything back. To find pure joy in sharing fun times and laughs with Him, and ultimate comfort in Him sharing my pain and sorrow as if it were His own.
Why wouldn't I want that from Him? I couldn't ask for a better friend. I am so thankful that He is teaching me this and urging me to invest in the best of friendships that I will ever have. To learn more about what friendship really is, so that I can cherish and appreciate the human relationships that He blesses me with in a more realistic way.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Updates
Wow, it has been far too long since I have posted a blog here. I have to admit that I have become much more involved in updating my MySpace account. I hope to keep up with this site a little better now...especially since I have some information to share with all of you.
Since Isaac came along...I have left the corporate working world and become a stay at home mom. I absolutely LOVE every minute of it and I am so thankful to Mike for all his hard work that allows me to stay home with Isaac. We know the Lord has blessed us and we are so greatful He takes care of us the way he does.
During my time at home, I have been able to devote more time to the personal hobbies I love as well. In particular, I have renewed my passion for scrapbooking and recently decided to expand this passion to offer services that will help others preserve their own treasured memories.
I now work from home as a Memory Works Scrapbook Consultant. Memory Works is devoted to the supplies and tools needed to create your own scrapbooks, but in addition I personally offer custom designed digital photobooks. To find out more and to see the Memory Works products visit my website at http://asitetoremember.memory-works.com
To see a photobook that I personally designed, visit my gallery at http://community.shutterfly.com/gallery/post/start.sfly?postId=/gallery/1/post/GMGDBg5aNWTlw2ZgXko0AY
Thank you for allowing me to share this little business venture with you. If you are interested or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at nancy.memory.works@gmail.com. Also, please feel free to pass this information along to anyone you know who may be interested.
Since Isaac came along...I have left the corporate working world and become a stay at home mom. I absolutely LOVE every minute of it and I am so thankful to Mike for all his hard work that allows me to stay home with Isaac. We know the Lord has blessed us and we are so greatful He takes care of us the way he does.
During my time at home, I have been able to devote more time to the personal hobbies I love as well. In particular, I have renewed my passion for scrapbooking and recently decided to expand this passion to offer services that will help others preserve their own treasured memories.
I now work from home as a Memory Works Scrapbook Consultant. Memory Works is devoted to the supplies and tools needed to create your own scrapbooks, but in addition I personally offer custom designed digital photobooks. To find out more and to see the Memory Works products visit my website at http://asitetoremember.memory-works.com
To see a photobook that I personally designed, visit my gallery at http://community.shutterfly.com/gallery/post/start.sfly?postId=/gallery/1/post/GMGDBg5aNWTlw2ZgXko0AY
Thank you for allowing me to share this little business venture with you. If you are interested or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at nancy.memory.works@gmail.com. Also, please feel free to pass this information along to anyone you know who may be interested.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
In Memory
So, I get up this morning to feed Isaac and I turn on the Today Show (as I have become accustomed to doing every morning). After a short time I realize there is quite a bit of focus on this being the day that Elvis died, 30 years ago. It is really the story of the day!
I was only 1 year old when Elvis died, so I honestly cannot understand all the hype. It amazes me how people can idolize celebrities. People, mostly strangers to him, still travel across the country to Graceland to see where he lived and died and to remember him in life and death. I am not trying to make light of it. I think it is certainly a good thing to honor those who have passed on, I just don't understand the public idolitry of it all.
Perhaps it is because on this same day I honor a different person. Someone who was not by any means a public idol, but certainly a hero to me and those who knew him. No one will travel across country to see where he lived or to visit his grave, and there will be no candelight vigils or benefit concerts in his name. No one has written, or likely will ever write a book about him, but he was a truly successful and accomplished man. 3 years ago today, my father passed away.
I can recount every detail of that entire weekend fairly well. I remember shortly after he passed someone telling me that the "horrible memories of death" fade away and you begin to focus on the good memories from life. I think that has been true to an extent. Day by day I no longer focus on what happened that weekend and I more often than not focus on all the really great memories that I have of my father. But once a year, on the date of his passing, I am taken back to that weekend and I can remember it as if it were yesterday.
It does make me think about all the fan fare surrounding Elvis. While crowds of people gather to remember his life, there are probably a small handful of others who are recounting the details of his death. Details that only they know. Details that take them back 30 years as if it were yesterday. Details that draw them together with a special closeness that no one else can share.
I guess it is not all that surprising that after only 3 years I have such a vivid memory of it all, but I feel like I will never forget it. I don't really want to. I have said this before, but I am glad that I shared the last moments of my father's life with him. God provided us with many blessings that I did not expect to experience through the death of someone so close to me. So today, I remember death. Some things difficult to remember but none the less still very special to me. And then I go on to remember life and the many more very special moments...until next year.
I was only 1 year old when Elvis died, so I honestly cannot understand all the hype. It amazes me how people can idolize celebrities. People, mostly strangers to him, still travel across the country to Graceland to see where he lived and died and to remember him in life and death. I am not trying to make light of it. I think it is certainly a good thing to honor those who have passed on, I just don't understand the public idolitry of it all.
Perhaps it is because on this same day I honor a different person. Someone who was not by any means a public idol, but certainly a hero to me and those who knew him. No one will travel across country to see where he lived or to visit his grave, and there will be no candelight vigils or benefit concerts in his name. No one has written, or likely will ever write a book about him, but he was a truly successful and accomplished man. 3 years ago today, my father passed away.
I can recount every detail of that entire weekend fairly well. I remember shortly after he passed someone telling me that the "horrible memories of death" fade away and you begin to focus on the good memories from life. I think that has been true to an extent. Day by day I no longer focus on what happened that weekend and I more often than not focus on all the really great memories that I have of my father. But once a year, on the date of his passing, I am taken back to that weekend and I can remember it as if it were yesterday.
It does make me think about all the fan fare surrounding Elvis. While crowds of people gather to remember his life, there are probably a small handful of others who are recounting the details of his death. Details that only they know. Details that take them back 30 years as if it were yesterday. Details that draw them together with a special closeness that no one else can share.
I guess it is not all that surprising that after only 3 years I have such a vivid memory of it all, but I feel like I will never forget it. I don't really want to. I have said this before, but I am glad that I shared the last moments of my father's life with him. God provided us with many blessings that I did not expect to experience through the death of someone so close to me. So today, I remember death. Some things difficult to remember but none the less still very special to me. And then I go on to remember life and the many more very special moments...until next year.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
What's in a Name?
After one heck of a meltdown, Isaac is sleeping soundly and I have a few moments to catch up on some blogging. Quick update…we seem to be getting past some of the setbacks we’ve had with nursing. Hopefully things will continue somewhat comfortably. Isaac is starting to make more sounds, cooing and ooing and ahing. He also smiles from time to time. I’m not sure it is a real smile yet…it is usually pretty random and not in response to anything…so it is most likely gas or something…but it is still stinkin’ cute! He can follow us with his eyes for a few moments and he seems to be able to focus on things that are pretty close to him. He loves to go outside. If he is in the middle of a meltdown and I take him outside he almost always calms down instantly. He also loves car rides. He hates sneezing, spitting up and burping. He almost always cries every time he does any of those things. Okay, now on to some of my thoughts…
It is still hard to believe sometimes that all this is really true. Jamie and I were talking last week about how it kinda feels like your just playing house at first. Nope, this child is mine. He’s here and we’re parents. Everything we had hoped and prayed for over 2 plus years has become a reality. Sometimes, I feel like we had no clue what we were getting ourselves into! But we are so happy and so thankful. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. I trust that God’s plan for him is going to include great and wonderful things.
Before Mike and I ever even thought about having children, we used to talk about the names we liked. Early on we decided that we would carry on Mike’s middle name (which is also his father’s middle name) if we ever had a son. Years later when we found out I was pregnant and then found out we were having a boy we started narrowing our list of first name choices to go with our middle name. I was happy with our decisions, but I was starting to have second thoughts.
I started considering my father and how much I wanted to pass along some little part of him. I began to actually create pressure on myself, convinced that those who knew my father would “expect” me to use his name and would think I was not interested in honoring him if I didn’t use his name. The problem was…to be quite honest…I didn’t really like his name…I mean I liked it for him…but not enough to use if for my son...especially as his first name. Since we had already agreed on a middle name, I was kinda stuck. Mike and I talked about using my dad’s name as a middle name, or even having 2 middle names, but I knew passing on his name was really important to Mike and I didn’t want to take that away from him.
So, we made our decision and I was honestly okay with it. I decided there was so much more to my father than what’s in a name and that we could easily pass on his legacy to Isaac whether he actually had his name or not. Would he honestly honor or respect my father’s memory any more if he had his name…I really don’t think so. The point of this blog is to share something that I think is a really cool gift from God. Right after Isaac was born, one of the first things that Mike said to me was “He looks like your dad!”
He really does. Isaac is a pretty good mix of Mike and my dad. I feel like this is God’s way of honoring my dad. I was so worried about the name, but He gave Isaac a little piece of my dad and we will be able to say to him “you have your grandpa’s chin and his smile” or “you look like your grandpa when you do this”. I’m so excited for that and to be able to share all the stories about my dad with Isaac.
It is still hard to believe sometimes that all this is really true. Jamie and I were talking last week about how it kinda feels like your just playing house at first. Nope, this child is mine. He’s here and we’re parents. Everything we had hoped and prayed for over 2 plus years has become a reality. Sometimes, I feel like we had no clue what we were getting ourselves into! But we are so happy and so thankful. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this little guy. I trust that God’s plan for him is going to include great and wonderful things.
Before Mike and I ever even thought about having children, we used to talk about the names we liked. Early on we decided that we would carry on Mike’s middle name (which is also his father’s middle name) if we ever had a son. Years later when we found out I was pregnant and then found out we were having a boy we started narrowing our list of first name choices to go with our middle name. I was happy with our decisions, but I was starting to have second thoughts.
I started considering my father and how much I wanted to pass along some little part of him. I began to actually create pressure on myself, convinced that those who knew my father would “expect” me to use his name and would think I was not interested in honoring him if I didn’t use his name. The problem was…to be quite honest…I didn’t really like his name…I mean I liked it for him…but not enough to use if for my son...especially as his first name. Since we had already agreed on a middle name, I was kinda stuck. Mike and I talked about using my dad’s name as a middle name, or even having 2 middle names, but I knew passing on his name was really important to Mike and I didn’t want to take that away from him.
So, we made our decision and I was honestly okay with it. I decided there was so much more to my father than what’s in a name and that we could easily pass on his legacy to Isaac whether he actually had his name or not. Would he honestly honor or respect my father’s memory any more if he had his name…I really don’t think so. The point of this blog is to share something that I think is a really cool gift from God. Right after Isaac was born, one of the first things that Mike said to me was “He looks like your dad!”
He really does. Isaac is a pretty good mix of Mike and my dad. I feel like this is God’s way of honoring my dad. I was so worried about the name, but He gave Isaac a little piece of my dad and we will be able to say to him “you have your grandpa’s chin and his smile” or “you look like your grandpa when you do this”. I’m so excited for that and to be able to share all the stories about my dad with Isaac.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
It all began on Father's Day
Okay, this is going to be LONG…believe me, I wish it was a much shorter story…but it is what it is…
At 12 am on Father's Day I began to have mild contractions. Throughout the night they were just strong enough and consistent enough to keep me awake the entire night. Around 5 am I told Mike that I was pretty sure I had started labor so we called my Dr. and I was told to come to the hospital. We arrived around 7 am at the hospital birth center and after they checked me, they decided to keep me there since I had progressed slightly since my last OB appointment. I continued to progress very slowly (to 3 cm) until about 6 pm when my contractions became irregular and they decided to send me home.
I was devastated, I guess I assumed once things got started there was no turning back. However, it did seem to be the best option at the time. As soon as I got home, the contractions became more regular again. The nurse told Mike to get me some Tylenol PM to help take the edge off and help me to sleep. I was skeptical, but it really did help. I managed to sleep Sunday night and woke up Monday still in "early" labor.
We didn't want to make the same mistake twice, so I stayed home most of the day Monday as my contractions became more intense. By about 6 pm we decided they were close enough and intense enough to call the Dr. again. We were told to come in, so we made our way to the hospital and arrived around 8 pm. I was checked at this point and had progressed to 4 – 5 cm. We had made the decision to start the labor and delivery process naturally, with no medication. Not because I was dead set against it, but just because I wanted to minimize any side effects for me or the baby. I didn't want to be pumped with medication any sooner than was necessary. So we started "active" labor using all natural comfort measures. The birth ball, massage & breathing techniques, the shower…all of which seemed to get me through (somewhat to my surprise). After being in the shower for awhile it seemed that my contractions were getting more and more intense so they did another check around 11 pm and I had progressed to 7 – 8 cm. It seemed that things were really moving now and I would soon be in "transition" so, we decided to call our families and a few close friends to let them know it could be any time now.
To manage this next stage of labor they recommended the Jacuzzi tub. It was actually quite helpful. I spent a while in the tub and when things seemed more intense they got me out to check me. Still 8 cm. Waited a little while longer…still 8 cm. Sometime the next morning…still 8 cm. This is where things start to get a little foggy for me…maybe Mike will write a blog and fill in some of the details.
Sometime on Tuesday morning I decided to take some pain medication. They gave me staidol to help take the edge off the contractions and to give me some rest. It was supposed to work for about 2 – 3 hours, but after about 45 mintues, my pain was intense. Mike got the nurse and she said perhaps this was a good sign, maybe I had progressed so the staidol wasn't strong enough to work now. Another check…still 8 cm. This was when the nurse realized that my I.V. was not hooked up to saline drip, so I had not received the full dose of staidol. Apparently the saline drip helps to give a slow release of the medication so it works longer. Since I hadn't gotten the full dose she flushed the I.V. I got the rest of the dose all right…but not slow release! It instantly knocked me out. I felt horrible! I was dizzy and incoherent. Shortly afterward I began to vomit and once that was all over I was a zombie for the next few hours.
By this point I had been in labor for over 48 hours. I was sick, tired, shaking uncontrollably and incoherent for the most part (Mike has some funny stories about this time period). Sometime around 4pm I was checked again and still no progress. My Dr. started to speculate that the baby was not in an ideal position. She said he wasn't posterior, and it seemed that he was not quite transverse, but he was not completely head on either. Her recommendation was to put me on an epidural and give me pitocin to relax me and strengthen my contractions. She thought this would help the baby drop into the proper position.
I can't say why, but I was terrified of the epidural. You would think after all this time I would welcome it with open arms, but I was really, really upset. It was probably somewhat due to my tired over drugged state. Still unable to control my shaking, I was terrified that I would move too much and things would go horribly awry. But there was no way I was going to be able to continue in my current state, so it had to be done.
Around 5 pm I was transferred out of the Birth Center to Labor and Delivery. The epidural went very smoothly and the anesthesiologist was SO nice me. He and all the nurses really helped to calm me down (although I was still shaking) and within minutes I was feeling no pain. Then they started the pitocin. I felt much better, and I was like a different person. Mike said he could actually have a conversation with me now. The plan was to stay on the epidural and pitocin until I progressed to where I could push. We all thought this would be very soon.
I did feel a lot better, but for some reason I began to vomit again (we think maybe the pitocin). I was checked in about an hour and I started to progress to 9 cm, but only on one side. This was because of the baby's position. He was only dilating one side of my cervix. My Dr. wanted to wait a while longer to see if he would move, but she said if he didn't I would have to have a C-Section.
So, after I received this news…more vomiting (they had also turned up the pitocin so that could've been it too). I was once again in a state of terror. I have never had surgery of any kind and I was just in disbelief that this birth experience was SO far from what I had expected. The nurse that was with me was SO sweet and really helped to relax me about the whole experience. As I waited, I knew that even if the baby moved and I had the option to push that my body just wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I was exhausted! And more than that…just ready to meet my baby.
So, they started prep for surgery. I had to drink this stuff to neutralize my stomach and I'm sure you can guess what happened…more vomiting. When that subsided they took me to the OR still shaking uncontrollably. The idea of them cutting me open in this state was somewhat scary, but everything went really well and at 10:32 pm on Tuesday, June 19th, little Isaac was born. After he was out, I started to feel some pain. It was hard to describe, I mean the epidural was working fine…I didn't feel the cut or any pain during the delivery, but afterward…while they were working…it was just really sore. One of the nurses noticed my discomfort and was concerned. She started asking me what I was feeling, but all I could say was "I'm just sore". I guess she was worried that I was feeling too much pain cuz next thing I knew I had a shot of morphine in my arm! Again, I was instantly incoherent and when I got back to recovery…you guessed it…vomiting.
Finally, in recovery things began to settle down. I got to meet my little guy and just like everyone said…all was forgotten, and all was well.
I do want to say that I was SO happy with everyone at the hospital. I was so impressed with the care and attention that I was given by everyone. Also, I had my waiting crew…Mike's parents, my cousin Heather, Stacy Holmes and her mom Vicky Lang (Stewart was there for awhile too, but he had to leave to take care of Rayna). They all came to the hospital and stuck with us through the whole experience…I felt bad that they were just waiting and getting updates from Mike, but knowing they were there for me and so excited for me really meant SO much to me.
Most of all, I was so amazed by my husband. He was absolutely perfect through the whole experience. I couldn't have asked for anything more, he did it all! Not only was he part of the "team"…he literally carried me through most parts of this experience. He instantly fell in love with Isaac and was his main caregiver for the first few hours (since I was stuck in recovery). They really had a chance to bond and I am SO thankful for that. I feel a lot closer to Mike now and hopefully he feels the same way.
Well, there it is…our birth story. Thank you to all who shared this entire journey with us from infertility through pregnancy to birth. It truly is a miracle and we thank God for all of our blessings!
At 12 am on Father's Day I began to have mild contractions. Throughout the night they were just strong enough and consistent enough to keep me awake the entire night. Around 5 am I told Mike that I was pretty sure I had started labor so we called my Dr. and I was told to come to the hospital. We arrived around 7 am at the hospital birth center and after they checked me, they decided to keep me there since I had progressed slightly since my last OB appointment. I continued to progress very slowly (to 3 cm) until about 6 pm when my contractions became irregular and they decided to send me home.
I was devastated, I guess I assumed once things got started there was no turning back. However, it did seem to be the best option at the time. As soon as I got home, the contractions became more regular again. The nurse told Mike to get me some Tylenol PM to help take the edge off and help me to sleep. I was skeptical, but it really did help. I managed to sleep Sunday night and woke up Monday still in "early" labor.
We didn't want to make the same mistake twice, so I stayed home most of the day Monday as my contractions became more intense. By about 6 pm we decided they were close enough and intense enough to call the Dr. again. We were told to come in, so we made our way to the hospital and arrived around 8 pm. I was checked at this point and had progressed to 4 – 5 cm. We had made the decision to start the labor and delivery process naturally, with no medication. Not because I was dead set against it, but just because I wanted to minimize any side effects for me or the baby. I didn't want to be pumped with medication any sooner than was necessary. So we started "active" labor using all natural comfort measures. The birth ball, massage & breathing techniques, the shower…all of which seemed to get me through (somewhat to my surprise). After being in the shower for awhile it seemed that my contractions were getting more and more intense so they did another check around 11 pm and I had progressed to 7 – 8 cm. It seemed that things were really moving now and I would soon be in "transition" so, we decided to call our families and a few close friends to let them know it could be any time now.
To manage this next stage of labor they recommended the Jacuzzi tub. It was actually quite helpful. I spent a while in the tub and when things seemed more intense they got me out to check me. Still 8 cm. Waited a little while longer…still 8 cm. Sometime the next morning…still 8 cm. This is where things start to get a little foggy for me…maybe Mike will write a blog and fill in some of the details.
Sometime on Tuesday morning I decided to take some pain medication. They gave me staidol to help take the edge off the contractions and to give me some rest. It was supposed to work for about 2 – 3 hours, but after about 45 mintues, my pain was intense. Mike got the nurse and she said perhaps this was a good sign, maybe I had progressed so the staidol wasn't strong enough to work now. Another check…still 8 cm. This was when the nurse realized that my I.V. was not hooked up to saline drip, so I had not received the full dose of staidol. Apparently the saline drip helps to give a slow release of the medication so it works longer. Since I hadn't gotten the full dose she flushed the I.V. I got the rest of the dose all right…but not slow release! It instantly knocked me out. I felt horrible! I was dizzy and incoherent. Shortly afterward I began to vomit and once that was all over I was a zombie for the next few hours.
By this point I had been in labor for over 48 hours. I was sick, tired, shaking uncontrollably and incoherent for the most part (Mike has some funny stories about this time period). Sometime around 4pm I was checked again and still no progress. My Dr. started to speculate that the baby was not in an ideal position. She said he wasn't posterior, and it seemed that he was not quite transverse, but he was not completely head on either. Her recommendation was to put me on an epidural and give me pitocin to relax me and strengthen my contractions. She thought this would help the baby drop into the proper position.
I can't say why, but I was terrified of the epidural. You would think after all this time I would welcome it with open arms, but I was really, really upset. It was probably somewhat due to my tired over drugged state. Still unable to control my shaking, I was terrified that I would move too much and things would go horribly awry. But there was no way I was going to be able to continue in my current state, so it had to be done.
Around 5 pm I was transferred out of the Birth Center to Labor and Delivery. The epidural went very smoothly and the anesthesiologist was SO nice me. He and all the nurses really helped to calm me down (although I was still shaking) and within minutes I was feeling no pain. Then they started the pitocin. I felt much better, and I was like a different person. Mike said he could actually have a conversation with me now. The plan was to stay on the epidural and pitocin until I progressed to where I could push. We all thought this would be very soon.
I did feel a lot better, but for some reason I began to vomit again (we think maybe the pitocin). I was checked in about an hour and I started to progress to 9 cm, but only on one side. This was because of the baby's position. He was only dilating one side of my cervix. My Dr. wanted to wait a while longer to see if he would move, but she said if he didn't I would have to have a C-Section.
So, after I received this news…more vomiting (they had also turned up the pitocin so that could've been it too). I was once again in a state of terror. I have never had surgery of any kind and I was just in disbelief that this birth experience was SO far from what I had expected. The nurse that was with me was SO sweet and really helped to relax me about the whole experience. As I waited, I knew that even if the baby moved and I had the option to push that my body just wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I was exhausted! And more than that…just ready to meet my baby.
So, they started prep for surgery. I had to drink this stuff to neutralize my stomach and I'm sure you can guess what happened…more vomiting. When that subsided they took me to the OR still shaking uncontrollably. The idea of them cutting me open in this state was somewhat scary, but everything went really well and at 10:32 pm on Tuesday, June 19th, little Isaac was born. After he was out, I started to feel some pain. It was hard to describe, I mean the epidural was working fine…I didn't feel the cut or any pain during the delivery, but afterward…while they were working…it was just really sore. One of the nurses noticed my discomfort and was concerned. She started asking me what I was feeling, but all I could say was "I'm just sore". I guess she was worried that I was feeling too much pain cuz next thing I knew I had a shot of morphine in my arm! Again, I was instantly incoherent and when I got back to recovery…you guessed it…vomiting.
Finally, in recovery things began to settle down. I got to meet my little guy and just like everyone said…all was forgotten, and all was well.
I do want to say that I was SO happy with everyone at the hospital. I was so impressed with the care and attention that I was given by everyone. Also, I had my waiting crew…Mike's parents, my cousin Heather, Stacy Holmes and her mom Vicky Lang (Stewart was there for awhile too, but he had to leave to take care of Rayna). They all came to the hospital and stuck with us through the whole experience…I felt bad that they were just waiting and getting updates from Mike, but knowing they were there for me and so excited for me really meant SO much to me.
Most of all, I was so amazed by my husband. He was absolutely perfect through the whole experience. I couldn't have asked for anything more, he did it all! Not only was he part of the "team"…he literally carried me through most parts of this experience. He instantly fell in love with Isaac and was his main caregiver for the first few hours (since I was stuck in recovery). They really had a chance to bond and I am SO thankful for that. I feel a lot closer to Mike now and hopefully he feels the same way.
Well, there it is…our birth story. Thank you to all who shared this entire journey with us from infertility through pregnancy to birth. It truly is a miracle and we thank God for all of our blessings!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Introducing...
Isaac Alan Gregg!
He was born Tuesday June 19th at 10:32 pm by C-Section.
He was 8 lbs. 2 oz. & 22 inches.
I promise I will write more about the experience later...we just got home today and we are all pretty wiped out. I will also post pics as soon as I can! Mike has to help me set up the laptop to be able to upload my pics from the camera. Any of you out there who took some pics for us please send them to me!!!
Thank you ALL for your love and prayers. More to come!
Nancy, Mike and Baby Isaac.
He was born Tuesday June 19th at 10:32 pm by C-Section.
He was 8 lbs. 2 oz. & 22 inches.
I promise I will write more about the experience later...we just got home today and we are all pretty wiped out. I will also post pics as soon as I can! Mike has to help me set up the laptop to be able to upload my pics from the camera. Any of you out there who took some pics for us please send them to me!!!
Thank you ALL for your love and prayers. More to come!
Nancy, Mike and Baby Isaac.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Baby Updates
Well, I'm almost 39 weeks! On Thursday we had a late ultrasound to check the size of the baby. It was really amazing to see him at this stage in the game. (I put a few pics up so you can check them out).
Anyway, the tech said that everything looks great. He does appear to be a bit chubby (at least his face), but I think that is cute. They do estimate his size to be about 8 lbs 4 oz. Which is interesting because then she told us that ultrasounds can be 1 lb off either way. So basically he is between 7 - 9 lbs. The main thing is they can tell he is not excessively big, so that was good news.
I guess I have some extra fluid, which is common for mom's with blood sugar issues. She said it was not excessive either and nothing to worry about. She just explained that is why I feel so "full". Like my stomach couldn't possibly stretch any more at all.
Any day now!!!
Anyway, the tech said that everything looks great. He does appear to be a bit chubby (at least his face), but I think that is cute. They do estimate his size to be about 8 lbs 4 oz. Which is interesting because then she told us that ultrasounds can be 1 lb off either way. So basically he is between 7 - 9 lbs. The main thing is they can tell he is not excessively big, so that was good news.
I guess I have some extra fluid, which is common for mom's with blood sugar issues. She said it was not excessive either and nothing to worry about. She just explained that is why I feel so "full". Like my stomach couldn't possibly stretch any more at all.
Any day now!!!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Time
So, I have been off work for exactly one week, and already I am amazed at how easy it has been to completely WASTE time. Seriously, I'm not talking about being still or resting...I am accepting that those are important things for me to do right now...I literally mean wasting time.
I don't think I have ever watched as much television as I have in the past week. Not only that...but a lot of what I am watching is reruns of things I have already seen (some things I have seen multiple times!). The beginning of my week consisted of eating, sleeping and watching T.V.
Waiting is really hard for me...being still is really hard for me...I'm not looking to be running around crazy right now, or to be making an appearance at any and every social event...I just want to turn off the stupid T.V.! There are so many other things I could be doing that would still allow me to be restful...but day after day I am not choosing those things. So, as I start a new week I'm going to make some goals. Here is what I want my time to look like:
1. Spending time with God in devotions and prayer.
2. Enjoying nice days outside with the dogs.
3. Reading some good books.
4. Practice for my photography class.
5. Walking on the treadmill (slowly).
6. Maybe a nap or two here and there.
7. Listening to music.
8. Limited time watching T.V. and only things I have NOT seen yet.
Anyone have any other ideas?? I'm open to suggestions! Think I can do it? I sure hope so. I'll let you know.
I don't think I have ever watched as much television as I have in the past week. Not only that...but a lot of what I am watching is reruns of things I have already seen (some things I have seen multiple times!). The beginning of my week consisted of eating, sleeping and watching T.V.
Waiting is really hard for me...being still is really hard for me...I'm not looking to be running around crazy right now, or to be making an appearance at any and every social event...I just want to turn off the stupid T.V.! There are so many other things I could be doing that would still allow me to be restful...but day after day I am not choosing those things. So, as I start a new week I'm going to make some goals. Here is what I want my time to look like:
1. Spending time with God in devotions and prayer.
2. Enjoying nice days outside with the dogs.
3. Reading some good books.
4. Practice for my photography class.
5. Walking on the treadmill (slowly).
6. Maybe a nap or two here and there.
7. Listening to music.
8. Limited time watching T.V. and only things I have NOT seen yet.
Anyone have any other ideas?? I'm open to suggestions! Think I can do it? I sure hope so. I'll let you know.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A month from now...
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life is going to look like about a month from now. So many people have tried to explain the miracle (both the joys and sacrifices) of adding a child to your family...but I have a feeling I will not truly be able to fathom it until it actually happens.
I'm not sure how this happened, but I am a worrier by nature. Neither one of my parents have (had) this trait, so I'm not sure who is to blame...but none the less...I worry. I seem to have gotten a little better over the years and several life experiences, but if I am honest...worry often creeps into my thoughts and can sometimes get me worked up about things that I probably don't need to be worked up about.
We have wanted a child for several years now. There was a time when it seemed like that may not be in God's plan for us. So why now, after He chose to bless us would I even consider letting worry enter the picture and steal my joy? I guess there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now...so many unknowns...so many things I'm not sure I am really ready for!?
First of all...LABOR & Childbirth...This is kind of easy to put in the back of your mind during the early months of pregnancy, but the reality of this really starts to hit home when you are about a month away from delivery. Will everything be okay? Can I really do this?
Secondly...Life Change. As much as I hate to admit it...I've become accustomed to a certain way of life. You know life is going to change when you add a child into the picture, but I'm not sure I can really fathom HOW much life is going to change and if I am ready for these changes. What sacrifices will I really need to make and am I unselfish enough to make these sacrifices?
Third...Identity Crisis. I have been so many things for so many years...but now, most of my being is going to be wrapped up into being a Mother. I have been working since I got out of high school...now, as far as we can tell...I will be a stay at home Mom. A prospect that sounds very appealing at first, but also makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home Mom? I have always been an extreme social butterfly...I thrive on social situations, but will these be limited now as I face caring for a completely dependant human being? I am a volunteer...I love to be involved, to serve, and to help. I take pride in the fact that I am available and dependable...something I wonder if I will be able to do now. Will I still be able to be involved in ministry?
Finally...Parenting. The vastness of this responsibility constantly overwhelms me. I worry that I won't make the right decisions, or that even if I do...my child may rebel. I worry that he won't be healthy or that the evil in this world will get the best of him. I worry that I can't protect him. I worry that I will try to control him...knowing full well that I can't.
I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture here. Like a bride having second thoughts at the altar...only with this...there really is NO turning back. There is more...but I feel like I've probably said too much already. I didn't want to give the idea that I'm totally freaking out or that these things have me paralyzed with fear. That is not the case. They are just thoughts that enter my head, things that I have to constantly give back to God. And that is what I am doing. I have faced the unknown several times in my life and He has ALWAYS seen me through. I know this time will not be any different. Overall, I still feel so overwhelmingly blessed, excited and full of joy!
I'm not sure how this happened, but I am a worrier by nature. Neither one of my parents have (had) this trait, so I'm not sure who is to blame...but none the less...I worry. I seem to have gotten a little better over the years and several life experiences, but if I am honest...worry often creeps into my thoughts and can sometimes get me worked up about things that I probably don't need to be worked up about.
We have wanted a child for several years now. There was a time when it seemed like that may not be in God's plan for us. So why now, after He chose to bless us would I even consider letting worry enter the picture and steal my joy? I guess there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now...so many unknowns...so many things I'm not sure I am really ready for!?
First of all...LABOR & Childbirth...This is kind of easy to put in the back of your mind during the early months of pregnancy, but the reality of this really starts to hit home when you are about a month away from delivery. Will everything be okay? Can I really do this?
Secondly...Life Change. As much as I hate to admit it...I've become accustomed to a certain way of life. You know life is going to change when you add a child into the picture, but I'm not sure I can really fathom HOW much life is going to change and if I am ready for these changes. What sacrifices will I really need to make and am I unselfish enough to make these sacrifices?
Third...Identity Crisis. I have been so many things for so many years...but now, most of my being is going to be wrapped up into being a Mother. I have been working since I got out of high school...now, as far as we can tell...I will be a stay at home Mom. A prospect that sounds very appealing at first, but also makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home Mom? I have always been an extreme social butterfly...I thrive on social situations, but will these be limited now as I face caring for a completely dependant human being? I am a volunteer...I love to be involved, to serve, and to help. I take pride in the fact that I am available and dependable...something I wonder if I will be able to do now. Will I still be able to be involved in ministry?
Finally...Parenting. The vastness of this responsibility constantly overwhelms me. I worry that I won't make the right decisions, or that even if I do...my child may rebel. I worry that he won't be healthy or that the evil in this world will get the best of him. I worry that I can't protect him. I worry that I will try to control him...knowing full well that I can't.
I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture here. Like a bride having second thoughts at the altar...only with this...there really is NO turning back. There is more...but I feel like I've probably said too much already. I didn't want to give the idea that I'm totally freaking out or that these things have me paralyzed with fear. That is not the case. They are just thoughts that enter my head, things that I have to constantly give back to God. And that is what I am doing. I have faced the unknown several times in my life and He has ALWAYS seen me through. I know this time will not be any different. Overall, I still feel so overwhelmingly blessed, excited and full of joy!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Letting Go
Well, we did it. Yesterday, we dropped off the BMW to its new owner. I deposited the check today and all is well. Well, sorta...
I got to thinking yesterday that some people must be wondering how we can be so concerned about $ when we owned a BMW! Some of you know, but most of you may not, that I inherited the BMW when my father passed away. I can assure you that at no point in our lives up to this moment have we ever been able to afford a BMW. That was part of our reason for getting rid of it. The maintenance alone on one that we didn't even pay for was more than we could manage. But that is not the point of this blog...
I honestly didn't think that I would have any problem selling my father's old car, but I have to say that it was a little weird. Just before we left, Mike went out to make sure he had it all cleaned out and came in with a few things. Several of these things were my fathers. Nothing important really, just papers with his handwriting and several pieces of the gum that he used to chew. There was a page from his calendar with notes on how to get to an Automotive Museum. My dad was a car man through and through. At the moment it made me a little sad, and I guess there is a little sadness left today, but these memories also make me smile. It is amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is gone with just some little insignificant reminders.
When we dropped off the car and I met the man who bought it, he was talking about retirement and how 2 of his kids were out of the house now etc...I guess it just reminded me that it was this same stage of life that my father was in when he bought the car. So, I was a little more emotional about letting it go than I expected. My dad really did enjoy it. It was one of the few things he ever did for himself. But I am happy and wish the new owner all the best. Hope he enjoys it as much as dad did.
I got to thinking yesterday that some people must be wondering how we can be so concerned about $ when we owned a BMW! Some of you know, but most of you may not, that I inherited the BMW when my father passed away. I can assure you that at no point in our lives up to this moment have we ever been able to afford a BMW. That was part of our reason for getting rid of it. The maintenance alone on one that we didn't even pay for was more than we could manage. But that is not the point of this blog...
I honestly didn't think that I would have any problem selling my father's old car, but I have to say that it was a little weird. Just before we left, Mike went out to make sure he had it all cleaned out and came in with a few things. Several of these things were my fathers. Nothing important really, just papers with his handwriting and several pieces of the gum that he used to chew. There was a page from his calendar with notes on how to get to an Automotive Museum. My dad was a car man through and through. At the moment it made me a little sad, and I guess there is a little sadness left today, but these memories also make me smile. It is amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is gone with just some little insignificant reminders.
When we dropped off the car and I met the man who bought it, he was talking about retirement and how 2 of his kids were out of the house now etc...I guess it just reminded me that it was this same stage of life that my father was in when he bought the car. So, I was a little more emotional about letting it go than I expected. My dad really did enjoy it. It was one of the few things he ever did for himself. But I am happy and wish the new owner all the best. Hope he enjoys it as much as dad did.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Things
Fun Stuff:
We are selling the BMW! Yahoo! This will give us enough $ to pay off my car so we will have NO car payments (at least for a little while, Mike's car is old and has a lot of miles but it is still going strong. No telling when he'll need a new one though). Also, dropping the insurance for a BMW is pretty significant.
When I called to cancel the BMW insurance, I found out that we qualify for a discount on our other 2 cars through our credit union. Another bonus! AND we will be getting some refund for the BMW because it was paid in full through the end of July.
I found out that I should have no problems getting onto Mike's medical insurance and his employer will pay for both me and the baby. We thought we were going to have to pay out of pocket to add us, but we don't! For the past year I have been paying for my medical insurance through Cobra from my previous employer, but I will be able to stop that next month! Thank you Lord for another financial blessing.
I don't want to give you the impression that we are obsessed with $ or anything...it's just that looking ahead to a future with a baby and hoping to be a stay at home Mom, these are all very positive and exciting things!! God has provided again, just like He always does.
Fun Stuff (not financially related):
My best friend Jamie will be in town (briefly) this weekend and I may get to see her!
I am taking a photography class that starts next week! I know...why did I sign up for a class 7 weeks before my due date!?!? But, this is a completely online class and it will be totally easy and fun. Just the basics. I’m very excited about it. Hopefully, I will learn enough to take some fabulous pics of our new family. It is 6 weeks long, but I will have a “grace period” should the baby decide to come during that time.
Our birth class is next weekend. I’m excited to learn about this experience and hopefully feel a little more prepared. We found out that one of the nurses who works labor and delivery at Providence is in the choir at our church! She offered to come do the class at our house. This is really good for us since Mike’s schedule can be so unpredictable. How very sweet of her.
I am loving the nice weather. Even the spring rain yesterday wasn’t so bad. Kinda refreshing.
Not So Fun Stuff:
I finally got my blood meter to measure my glucose. I have been sticking my finger 4 TIMES a day! The first day my numbers weren’t quite what they should be, but I seem to have gotten the hang of it. The past few days my numbers have been good. I just had to be a little more strict about what I am eating (I thought I could cheat a little since I was just “borderline” but not so). Just a little bit of carbs make a big difference. I can handle 7 weeks of this, especially if it means that my baby is healthier and hopefully SMALLER.
We are selling the BMW! Yahoo! This will give us enough $ to pay off my car so we will have NO car payments (at least for a little while, Mike's car is old and has a lot of miles but it is still going strong. No telling when he'll need a new one though). Also, dropping the insurance for a BMW is pretty significant.
When I called to cancel the BMW insurance, I found out that we qualify for a discount on our other 2 cars through our credit union. Another bonus! AND we will be getting some refund for the BMW because it was paid in full through the end of July.
I found out that I should have no problems getting onto Mike's medical insurance and his employer will pay for both me and the baby. We thought we were going to have to pay out of pocket to add us, but we don't! For the past year I have been paying for my medical insurance through Cobra from my previous employer, but I will be able to stop that next month! Thank you Lord for another financial blessing.
I don't want to give you the impression that we are obsessed with $ or anything...it's just that looking ahead to a future with a baby and hoping to be a stay at home Mom, these are all very positive and exciting things!! God has provided again, just like He always does.
Fun Stuff (not financially related):
My best friend Jamie will be in town (briefly) this weekend and I may get to see her!
I am taking a photography class that starts next week! I know...why did I sign up for a class 7 weeks before my due date!?!? But, this is a completely online class and it will be totally easy and fun. Just the basics. I’m very excited about it. Hopefully, I will learn enough to take some fabulous pics of our new family. It is 6 weeks long, but I will have a “grace period” should the baby decide to come during that time.
Our birth class is next weekend. I’m excited to learn about this experience and hopefully feel a little more prepared. We found out that one of the nurses who works labor and delivery at Providence is in the choir at our church! She offered to come do the class at our house. This is really good for us since Mike’s schedule can be so unpredictable. How very sweet of her.
I am loving the nice weather. Even the spring rain yesterday wasn’t so bad. Kinda refreshing.
Not So Fun Stuff:
I finally got my blood meter to measure my glucose. I have been sticking my finger 4 TIMES a day! The first day my numbers weren’t quite what they should be, but I seem to have gotten the hang of it. The past few days my numbers have been good. I just had to be a little more strict about what I am eating (I thought I could cheat a little since I was just “borderline” but not so). Just a little bit of carbs make a big difference. I can handle 7 weeks of this, especially if it means that my baby is healthier and hopefully SMALLER.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The Dog House
I am becoming more and more concerned about Bailey and how he is going to react to having the baby around. He is just giving us more and more trouble, and the baby isn't even here yet. He is just so defiant and things have to go exactly his way. I hate to write about this because I don't want to give people the wrong idea about him, but he has shown some signs of aggression. I don't believe by nature that he is an aggressive dog, but he can be pushed to that point. He is becoming more and more unpredictable as to what it is that will push him to that point.
I honestly don't see him acting out with aggression toward the baby. Especially early on when the baby really can't interact with him at all. I honestly just see him continuing to act out toward us with defiance and possibly aggression when we try to control the defiance.
This realization is breaking my heart. We have tried (and will continue at least for now) everything we know to treat this and live in harmony with Bailey. We want him to be a happy and well adjusted dog, but to what extent? I honestly thought I would do ANYTHING it took...even early in the pregnancy, I couldn't imagine "giving up" on him. But I don't want to be stupid about this. I honestly don't want to end up like one of those people on the news whose dog has malled their child and they are like "I had no clue this could happen".
If the signs are there...it is always a possibility. I seriously feel ill everytime I think about it. I can't imagine life without Bailey, but it only takes one mistake. Am I really ready to be on guard 24/7? My heart is broken, and I have literally sobbed over this. I just pray every day that God will give us wisdom when dealing with Bailey, and if we have to make one of the most difficult decisions I can imagine making at this point in my life, that He will give us comfort and peace about it.
I honestly don't see him acting out with aggression toward the baby. Especially early on when the baby really can't interact with him at all. I honestly just see him continuing to act out toward us with defiance and possibly aggression when we try to control the defiance.
This realization is breaking my heart. We have tried (and will continue at least for now) everything we know to treat this and live in harmony with Bailey. We want him to be a happy and well adjusted dog, but to what extent? I honestly thought I would do ANYTHING it took...even early in the pregnancy, I couldn't imagine "giving up" on him. But I don't want to be stupid about this. I honestly don't want to end up like one of those people on the news whose dog has malled their child and they are like "I had no clue this could happen".
If the signs are there...it is always a possibility. I seriously feel ill everytime I think about it. I can't imagine life without Bailey, but it only takes one mistake. Am I really ready to be on guard 24/7? My heart is broken, and I have literally sobbed over this. I just pray every day that God will give us wisdom when dealing with Bailey, and if we have to make one of the most difficult decisions I can imagine making at this point in my life, that He will give us comfort and peace about it.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Time Flies
I seem to be in a reminiscing mood today (hence the baby picture of our now 5 year old dog). People always tell you "time flies" and even when you know it is true it can still be quite surprising. I honestly can't believe that is has been:
almost 31 years since I was born (oops, I mean 29...see what happens when time flies)
15 years since I learned to drive
13 years since I graduated high school
12 years ago that I met Mike
12 years since I started going to NorthRidge (Temple at the time) and God gave me the awesome privilege of serving on the praise team
7 years ago that I graduated College and entered the working world
6 years ago that we got Married
5.5 years ago that Bailey joined the family
3.5 years ago that Bruin joined the family
3 years ago that my best friend moved away
almost 3 years since my father passed away
almost 3 years ago that we decided to try and add children to our family
2 years since we moved into our new home and endured what seemed to be endless construction
1 year ago that those precious Bettinger twins were born 3 months early at a fragile 2 lbs, so unsure of what the future would hold (and so many other friends blessed with the birth of their children!)
1 year ago that I left my job and was blessed to work with Parker and Lori
almost 8 months since God saw fit to bless us with a pregnancy!
It is amazing how things can feel like they happened just yesterday, and an eternity ago all at the same time. As consumed as I was with so many of these stages in my life, I often feel now like they were just mere moments in time.
I have to admit that this makes me a little sad looking into the future. Everyone says to enjoy your time with your children because it goes by so fast! I know this is true, and I want to strive to make the most of every moment...I really do. Not just with my child(ren), but in my marriage and in every area of my life. We have been so blessed thus far. I pray that the memory of those blessings will inspire us to focus on what is most important and create many more great memories.
almost 31 years since I was born (oops, I mean 29...see what happens when time flies)
15 years since I learned to drive
13 years since I graduated high school
12 years ago that I met Mike
12 years since I started going to NorthRidge (Temple at the time) and God gave me the awesome privilege of serving on the praise team
7 years ago that I graduated College and entered the working world
6 years ago that we got Married
5.5 years ago that Bailey joined the family
3.5 years ago that Bruin joined the family
3 years ago that my best friend moved away
almost 3 years since my father passed away
almost 3 years ago that we decided to try and add children to our family
2 years since we moved into our new home and endured what seemed to be endless construction
1 year ago that those precious Bettinger twins were born 3 months early at a fragile 2 lbs, so unsure of what the future would hold (and so many other friends blessed with the birth of their children!)
1 year ago that I left my job and was blessed to work with Parker and Lori
almost 8 months since God saw fit to bless us with a pregnancy!
It is amazing how things can feel like they happened just yesterday, and an eternity ago all at the same time. As consumed as I was with so many of these stages in my life, I often feel now like they were just mere moments in time.
I have to admit that this makes me a little sad looking into the future. Everyone says to enjoy your time with your children because it goes by so fast! I know this is true, and I want to strive to make the most of every moment...I really do. Not just with my child(ren), but in my marriage and in every area of my life. We have been so blessed thus far. I pray that the memory of those blessings will inspire us to focus on what is most important and create many more great memories.
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