Turns out that I have learned throughout my life to define who I am, by what I do and how well I do it. I'm sure there at a lot of people who do this to some extent, but I have recently been told that it is stealing joy and a sense of value from my life.
It honestly never occurred to me that I was creating my sense of self based on my responsibilities and how I take care of things. I guess it was never really a problem until all my "responsibilities" started to be a bit overwhelming. Suddenly there were things that I couldn't handle up to these standards I had created. In the frenzy of disappointment, rather than understand that I probably need help in the areas I feel like I am falling short, I guess I started compensating by doing more...how that makes any sense, I don't know...I guess I just became accustomed to "doing". Apparently as I continue to fall short, I just do more to try and hold on to (or possibly find) my identity. When I do something and I do it well, I find my value and identity in that.
I have found that this has grown to the point of feeling lost and a little bit sad when there is nothing for me to do. How weird is that. "Over functioning" was the term that was used to describe me. To the point of missing out, not knowing how to just have fun anymore, how to just "be". This is all somehow tied to my need to be in control. I honestly don't think that my motives are to be "controlling", but rather to feel that I am in control (at least of what I am doing) if that makes any sense. I experienced so much in my early life that was just completely out of control, so now any opportunity I have to create that illusion of control in my own life, I take it. Hence, adding things to my to do list...things I have under control.
So, this pattern of behavior has been going on for quite some time...but I was just recently brought to the true realization of how it is affecting my life and my relationships. Solution? Well, I was told to take things off my plate, stop "parenting" all the people in my life, learn how to just have fun, how to be. Problem is, I'm finding that I have no idea what this looks like, what it means for me. Letting things go seems a bit impossible for me. Not because I simply don't want to, but because they are responsibilities...they are things that have to be done...and the few things I am involved in that could be considered extra curricular, are things I really enjoy! So would that really make sense to give up the things that I actually am finding joy in?
Maybe it is more of a change in mindset. Can I still be involved, but not in control? I don't know. And even now I struggle with the notion that I have to "figure this out", handle it well, get it right...the very thoughts that are keeping me captive in the first place. I have been left with this hollow spot. I feel sometimes like I'm staring at a blank map trying to figure out where to go. Why is it so difficult to just be?
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hey there...I know what you mean...I'm not perfect but God has been showing me some stuff lately that might shed some light on this being issue...when God set up the Ten Words (commandments to us)...he did it for a reason...not to take away all our fun...but to allow a group of people function so that they would know that they were the people of God...so that when those who didn't know God would see them...they would say "Oh, that's what God looks like"...but here is where things get messed up...hopefully I am not boring you...think about that Ten Commandments...if you look at the last nine...then look at the first one...the last nine are symptoms of not following the first one...Matt Chandler has this pstoral prayer that just really makes sense...the problem in the universe is not mere moral failure...which is what you were talking about...not making the grade...not living up to your responsibilities...it is the failure to honor God...I know aht it is to be a control person...the deal is I'm not God, He is and must honor Him in everything I do...He made us to glorify Him and we get away from that...that is when we don't know who we are...hopefully this made sense
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