A month from now...

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about what my life is going to look like about a month from now. So many people have tried to explain the miracle (both the joys and sacrifices) of adding a child to your family...but I have a feeling I will not truly be able to fathom it until it actually happens.

I'm not sure how this happened, but I am a worrier by nature. Neither one of my parents have (had) this trait, so I'm not sure who is to blame...but none the less...I worry. I seem to have gotten a little better over the years and several life experiences, but if I am honest...worry often creeps into my thoughts and can sometimes get me worked up about things that I probably don't need to be worked up about.

We have wanted a child for several years now. There was a time when it seemed like that may not be in God's plan for us. So why now, after He chose to bless us would I even consider letting worry enter the picture and steal my joy? I guess there are just so many thoughts going through my head right now...so many unknowns...so many things I'm not sure I am really ready for!?

First of all...LABOR & Childbirth...This is kind of easy to put in the back of your mind during the early months of pregnancy, but the reality of this really starts to hit home when you are about a month away from delivery. Will everything be okay? Can I really do this?

Secondly...Life Change. As much as I hate to admit it...I've become accustomed to a certain way of life. You know life is going to change when you add a child into the picture, but I'm not sure I can really fathom HOW much life is going to change and if I am ready for these changes. What sacrifices will I really need to make and am I unselfish enough to make these sacrifices?

Third...Identity Crisis. I have been so many things for so many years...but now, most of my being is going to be wrapped up into being a Mother. I have been working since I got out of high school...now, as far as we can tell...I will be a stay at home Mom. A prospect that sounds very appealing at first, but also makes me wonder if I'm really cut out to be a stay at home Mom? I have always been an extreme social butterfly...I thrive on social situations, but will these be limited now as I face caring for a completely dependant human being? I am a volunteer...I love to be involved, to serve, and to help. I take pride in the fact that I am available and dependable...something I wonder if I will be able to do now. Will I still be able to be involved in ministry?

Finally...Parenting. The vastness of this responsibility constantly overwhelms me. I worry that I won't make the right decisions, or that even if I do...my child may rebel. I worry that he won't be healthy or that the evil in this world will get the best of him. I worry that I can't protect him. I worry that I will try to control him...knowing full well that I can't.

I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture here. Like a bride having second thoughts at the altar...only with this...there really is NO turning back. There is more...but I feel like I've probably said too much already. I didn't want to give the idea that I'm totally freaking out or that these things have me paralyzed with fear. That is not the case. They are just thoughts that enter my head, things that I have to constantly give back to God. And that is what I am doing. I have faced the unknown several times in my life and He has ALWAYS seen me through. I know this time will not be any different. Overall, I still feel so overwhelmingly blessed, excited and full of joy!