What's going on...

So, I know there are a lot of people wondering what has been going on with me lately. I have been through a difficult time and while I wasn't ready to share what was happening, I knew that I desperately needed prayers...from anyone who would pray...to help get me through.

Looking back on it all, it seems a bit over dramatic. My difficult time was no different from any of the other trials that are facing so many people we all know...in fact, it may pale in comparison to many...but it was mine...and to me, it was heartbreaking.

I found out in early January that we were expecting again! We were both really happy...however I have to be honest and say that we were also a bit shocked. Many of you know that it took us 2 years to get pregnant the first time, so when we agreed in December to open our lives up to the possibility of a second child...you can imagine what a surprise it was to see a positive pregnancy test in January!! After the shock wore off a bit...I began to realize how happy I was that I didn't have to go through the struggle of infertility a second time. While we had the normal hesitations of "can we really handle two"...and "what is going on with the economy and our finances...can we afford two"...there was such a relief knowing that God had spared us from the countless months of failed attempts and disappointments.

Don't get me wrong...I learned SO much through our struggle to conceive...primarily, that I am not in any way in control of this! And I remembered that lesson...we talked and prayed about adding to our family and I knew that this time...just like the last...HE would decide if another child was in His will for us and HE would decide when. I just have to be honest...I was SO glad He decided not to wait this time.

Which made what happened 6 weeks into the pregnancy that much more of a blow. I will spare you from the long drawn out details...but at 6 weeks I found out I was having a miscarriage. At that moment, in the tunnel vision of despair and over active hormones...I could not see outside of myself. This was the worst possible thing I could be experiencing and I couldn't see any purpose for it. I was mad. I had already learned my lessons and I couldn't see why God would possibly be trying to teach me even more. This time I went into this with all the "right" angles...I trusted Him first, I gave Him control from the beginning, I was willing to wait for His timing...and THIS is what He decides to do with that? How does that make any sense. If this wasn't the right time...why give it to me and then take it away?

I won't say that I suddenly began to understand or that it all began to make sense...because quite honestly...there is still so much that I don't understand. However, after some tears and a little time...I began to see that He was not doing this to me, but He was going through it with me. Yes, He knows the things that will come in and out of our lives and I believe He could have spared me from it...I believe He can do anything...but I also have come to realize that He uses things in our lives, even things we may never understand...for a bigger purpose...to draw others to Him and to bring glory to His name. For whatever reason, my experience serves to bring Him more glory than if He had allowed this pregnancy to continue...if I will let it.

That's when I realized I don't really have to know why this happened...I just want to do right by Him. I don't want to forget that I DID trust Him and give Him complete control before going into this...so I can know without a doubt that He has a plan for it all. I don't like the plan...I already told Him that (ha ha!)...but I don't want to say that I trust Him and give Him control and then back out of that the moment things don't go my way. When I said it...I meant it...and I'm going to stick by it. My battle is against the enemy and I don't intend to let him win by letting this consume me and make me bitter against God. Instead I plan to be on God's side and defeat Satan by remaining as faithful as I possibly can and allowing Him to have to victory over all of this. I have always prayed that I would be able to handle my trials this way. Thank you God for answering my prayer and for being everything I need to be that person.

So thank you to all of you who prayed, even though you may not have known what was going on. You helped God get everything in perspective for me...and helped Him remind me of the promises I made to Him...but more importantly...of the promises He's made to me. Please continue to pray as we trust Him to bless our family as He sees fit and as we give Him control to take us to that point in whatever way He sees fit. Pray that we will remember HE does not change, so we can stay faithful to Him no matter what we may need to endure.

Hard Times

I have had my share of difficult times. I know we all have. I don't really consider myself to be any different than anyone else on those terms. I have a history of getting through the tough times pretty well, I guess it is something I have picked up from my family along the way.

So hard times come and they go...I learn and I grow. I take a deep breath and find myself letting out a huge sigh of relief when the time passes. Somewhere in the back of my mind I conclude that "I finally got through this, I survived, things will be okay"...and they are...but only for that particular situation.

This is probably going to sound a lot worse than I really feel about life in general, but sometimes it's like I'm just sitting around waiting for the next problem. I guess I get this false sense of security from getting through a difficult time, like I've paid my dues...I'm somehow exempt from any more trouble. Of course I know that is not how it is...I guess that's the point...one difficult time prepares us and equips us to better handle the next. I know that...but I want it to come easier. I feel like I should be able to dive right into the next difficulty with this armor from my last experience that lets me just breeze right through it. Like I should think nothing of it, it shouldn't bother me, and I shouldn't have to feel guilty about how bad I think the whole thing stinks.

I know I put that pressure on myself. No one expects that from me, least of all God. I just wish it wasn't such a surprise when trouble hits again...I wish the things I've learned from previous experiences came back to me faster and easier...I wish the pain I endured in one situation could save me from (or at least dull) the pain of the next. If we all had a magic wand...right?

I'm not holding on to this problem...I'm putting it in His hands. I hate it, and I wish I didn't have to go through it, but I'm not letting it overcome me. My previous experiences have taught me this if nothing else...God will get me through the current situation...just like all the others...and He's the only one that can...if that is the only thing I know right now...I guess that is enough.